“ I was in a house in a valley. It was raining heavily. I went out to the terrace and could see a dark black tornado formation in the sky. I could also hear children’s voices, but I could not see them. The voices sounded distant, as if coming from across water or through fog. I was worried, and started to frantically search for them, but they were nowhere to be found. I was exhausted and could feel the wind spinning around me. I thought I would surely perish, but as I looked up to the sky I saw a beautiful angel floating before me. His eyes were jewels. I stretched out my hand and just as I was about to touch him, I woke up.

I have carried this with me for almost 30 years.

This dream, more real than anything else I have experienced in my life.”

I did not want that image in my head.

It’s a haunting, is what it is, and I think I would rather be plagued by the image of a baby being pulled from a sewage pipe in China or of doomed storm chasers trying to drive through an apocalyptic tornado in Oklahoma. I just don’t want to have to think about Michael Douglas doing that, okay?

With that in mind, and in an effort to cleanse my mind of the image by actually exploding it, I have created a list of some other things that should never be associated together.

Rob Ford: Cunnilingus

Jack Nicholson: Cunnilingus

Toenail: Kickstand

Groupon: Dentistry

Donald Trump: Showering and/or Cologne Application

Joan Rivers: Blowjob

Michael Douglas: Blowjob

Ann Coulter: Sex tape

Rob Ford: Your washroom

Compound fracture: A Parent

Cosplay: Olympic Event

Segway Tour: Wine Country