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Toronto Argonauts – Welcome To The Magical Friendship Squad! http://michaelmurray.ca Michael Murray Writes Things Wed, 30 Jan 2013 01:17:24 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.2 Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s Christmas Card http://michaelmurray.ca/toronto-mayor-rob-fords-christmas-card http://michaelmurray.ca/toronto-mayor-rob-fords-christmas-card#comments Thu, 27 Dec 2012 16:52:50 +0000 http://michaelmurray.ca/?p=3013 Rob Ford, Toronto’s embattled, nearly ousted Mayor, sent out an e-mail Christmas card to all of his supporters this year:

I know it’s not politically correct to do this but I’m going to do it anyway, Merry Christmas everybody! I could say something like “Happy Holidays,” or “Season’s Greetings,” like the nerds in the office want, but I’ve got to be me! Rob Ford is Rob Ford, and if that means taking the difficult path of the warrior, then that’s the car I gotta drive, and if you don’t like it, well, you can just sit on it. So if you’re gay or an Indian or Jewish and don’t respect Jesus and commerce, well, just ignore this and continue with your Chinese food and movies. (By the way, if you’re looking for a movie to see I’d recommend The Hobbit. It is WAY cool! I’ve seen it three times and consider it an early Oscar favourite.)

Now that I’ve gotten the “politics” out of the way, I just want to say, WOW!!!!

What a freakin’ year!

Our very own Toronto Argonauts won the Grey Cup, there was a bunch of black on black killings in gangtown, and until the left-wing media drove me to quit, I went on a diet. Even more, we’ve all had to battle through the NHL lockout and the subsequent hockey pool draught it’s caused, we shared in the emotional roller coaster that was the Ikea Monkey, and finally we all survived the Mayan Apocalypse! (I tell you, I was never happier to have a vacation property in Florida (two swimming pools) than I was on December 21st when I thought it was all coming down! Anyway, I want you all to know that it was my honour to serve as your captain through all this joy and pain, all this sunshine and rain. Toronto, you can always count on me to be your quarterback.

I want to add that at city hall we’re really proud that we’ve been able to slow down the gravy train. It’s third and long for the socialists and downtown elite and soon we’ll have a casino the size of an airport right in the middle of Toronto, firmly establishing us as a world-class city. We have an awful lot to look forward to in 2013, so rock on, T.O!

Here’s hoping you all fight hard, but fight fair on Boxing Day, and that you get the stuff you want!

Rob

PS: And remember, if you get stopped during a holiday ride program, always say that you haven’t had anything to drink so that the police officer doesn’t have reasonable cause to give you a breathalyzer!

]]> http://michaelmurray.ca/toronto-mayor-rob-fords-christmas-card/feed 3 My conversation with Rob Ford about the Cut The Waist Challenge http://michaelmurray.ca/my-conversation-with-rob-ford-about-the-cut-the-waist-challenge http://michaelmurray.ca/my-conversation-with-rob-ford-about-the-cut-the-waist-challenge#comments Mon, 28 May 2012 16:48:07 +0000 http://michaelmurray.ca/?p=2200 As many of you know, Toronto’s fiscally conservative mayor Rob Ford struggles with his weight

Back in January he launched a public campaign called The Cut The Waist Challenge, where he pledged to lose 50 of his 330 pounds in five months. It was a campy circus, this, with the mayor having public weigh-ins (sometimes with girls in lettuce bikinis!) each week and TV stations reporting on it as if it was a sports event. However, after a period of time the mayor stopped showing up for the weigh-ins, and then gave up on the entire project about month before it was to end.

You should know that I used to drink with Rob Ford back when he was a student at Carleton University in Ottawa. We were both last call regulars at a local bar and we became friendly in the way that only barflies bound by drinking can. The truth is that I don’t think we ever had a sober conversation, but we bonded through this somehow, and even though we haven’t seen one another in over 15 years, we still text one another when drinking alone. A kind of nostalgia, I guess.

I hadn’t heard from Rob in quite a long time, but on Friday, at 1:45 in the morning, he sent me a text.

 

Mayor Ford: Mur? You thare?

Me: SLOBBER!!!

Mayor Ford: Cowabangle, dude!

Me: How’s it hanging, captain?

Mayor Ford: Straight and strong, straight and srtong!

Me: What up, big dog?

Mayor Ford: Just watched Along Came Polly. Would totally do Jennifer Aniston!!!

Me: She’d be a lucky woman.

Mayor Ford: I’d be her fucking friend, if you know what I mean.

Me: You’d be a glamour couple, like the goddamn Kennedy’s!

Mayor Ford: I wonder what she smells like????

Me: Suntan lotion and misspent money?

Mayor Ford: Ha! She smells like big government! Let me tel u, I would cut the hell out of her deficit!

Me: Wacha drinking?

Mayor Ford: Gin, lotto gin tonight. On the patio throwing ashtrays at squirrels. You?

Me: Playing Angry Birds and drinking rum.  I miss the old days, Slobber!

Mayor Ford: Me2, little buddy, me2.

Me: ME2 sounds like a robot in a movie! Saw the Avengers the other day. Awesome!

Mayor Ford: 3-D rules. I completely fucking relate to the Hulk!  He my man!!

Me: Puny humans bother Hulk! Hulk smash!

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!

Me: Hey, how’s the weight-loss thing going?

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!

Me: Not so well?

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!

Mayor Ford: You know what my favourite part of the Avengers was?

Me: The smashing?

Mayor Ford: Yeah and Scarlett Johansson’s ass. Love the 3ddee.

Me: Aniston or Johansson?

Mayor Ford: BOTH!!! HAHAAHAHAHA!

Mayor Ford: Fuck, I love gin.

Me: Still get high?

Mayor Ford: Does a bull shit in a chinashop?

Me: Why’d you quit the weight-loss challenge?

Mayor Ford: Barbeque Season. Pulled fucking Pork.

Me: What about austerity measures?

Mayor Ford: Barbeque season ain’t no time for austerity measures!

Mayor Ford: Go Argos!!

Me: YOU THE MAN!

Mayor Ford: Lead, follow or get under the doggamn bus!

Mayor Ford: HULK SMASH BUS!!

Me: Testify!

Mayor Ford: I think globarl warming is real. GEts hotter all thetime. Love ya little buddy! Dizzy bedtime.

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