Not only were the bikes like riding something from the 19^th century, but the program struggled financially and has been being rebranded to “Bike Share Toronto,” and is currently looking for a new corporate sponsor.

I have submitted a list of new names for “Bike Share Toronto” hoping that they might prove appealing to the public and sponsorship!

1. Le Dificyle

This name will honour Canada’s bilingual nature, the city of Toronto’s multicultural character and be completely up front about how hard it is to ride the massive bike.

2. World Class Bicycles

This name would highlight Toronto’s status as a World Class City.

3. The Bumbaclot

Inspired by Rob Ford, the world’s greatest Mayor, this name harkens back to his drug fuelled rant in Jamaican patois that was filmed at the Steak Queen. Bumbaclot, as everyone now knows, is Jamaican slang for a cloth or rag used for menstrual blood before tampons were widely available, an accurate reflection of contempt considering how most people feel about the rental bikes after using one.

4. The Film Festival Flash (Triple F)

Tying in with Toronto’s World Class International Film Festival, this name will publicize the great event and all the stars, posers and wannabes who populate the streets during it’s run, and the bikes will also be promoted as a safe and alcohol-friendly conveyance by which to get from party to party!

5. The Velociraptor

Piggybacking on the success of the Toronto Raptors basketball team, and cleverly using the French word for bicycle as a nod to Toronto’s great multicultural personality, the Velociraptor would make for a stellar moniker for the bike rentals! (Suggestion: dinosaur arms holding a basket protruding from handlebars of bike)

6.   The Catapult

Given that the streetcar tracks all over the city streets spell doom for cyclists, especially those (tourists) not familiar with the roads, and typically catapult cyclists into cars and streetlights, the Catapult is a perfect name for the bikes.

7. LAGFPPS’s (Little Above Ground Foot-Powered Private Subways)

In keeping with Rob Ford’s promise to bring more subways to Toronto, this name will revolutionize the public’s perception of just what a subway is and will, as usual, save the taxpayer billions of dollars.

8. The Ton O’ Fun

This playful name will combine the weight of the bike with the joy of cycling, making an adventure on the city streets as much fun as a carnival ride!

9. The Ontarian

A classic homage to this great province in which we live!

10.  The Pussy Wagon

This name, once again inspired by Toronto’s Mayor, references his statement that he “has more than enough pussy to eat at home.”  Gritty, urban and controversial, it gives Toronto the World Class, Tarantinoesque edge it has always sought.

Like Andy Kaufman before him, Ford has the ability to create and live in the Venn Diagram overlap between the fiction circle and reality circle. Ford seems happy there, with the rest of us staring on in bewilderment, uncertain if what we’re witnessing is self-aware performance art or the Frankenstein id of some moron bully unleashed upon the world. Currently, Ford’s in the midst of what might be his masterpiece, his descent (with brother Doug and brother Randy) into Hollywood where he was rumoured to be attending the Oscar’s and is to appear on the Jimmy Kimmel show on Monday night.

Last night, while the Academy Awards were taking place, Ford was at the Kimmel party blogging fashion commentary on what the stars were wearing:

Pharrel

Look how small Pharrel is! I tell you, he never would have made the high school football team and if he dared to show up at school in that sissy outfit, we would have beat the crap out of him. I love that Robin Thicke video he’s in, though. Crazy hot.

Jennifer Lawrence

She’s a pretty girl, this one, but I have to say I’d have preferred if she passed on the Dior gown and wore that naked blue get-up she had on in the X-Men. You know what I loved about the name of that character, Mystique? Name of a stripper, and as she was always nude, it was perfect! Mystique was way hotter than any of the chicks from Avatar! Anyway, even with clothes on JLaw definitely deserves an Oscar for best boner!

Jared Leto

Okay, this guy played a sort-of-girl in a movie, so that’s why he has the long, Jesus hair, but that red bow tie? Trying WAY too hard. Why not a simple NFL tie, say a good working class team like the Cleveland Browns? That way he could make a statement, “Yeah, I might have long hair and play a rainbow in a movie, but I still like football!” and could still be an action hero or a guy who steals cars in his next movie. It’s weird what actors will do. You couldn’t pay me enough money to play a woman, even though I have tremendous respect for them and really value them as people and hope that they come out to vote and support Ford Nation on October 27^th!

Glenn Close

Has the appearance of a retired tennis player, somebody who would make you take off your ball cap when you went in her house. A real buzz kill. Looks like she’s going to a funeral, but she might be holding a flask in her left hand so maybe she’s still cool.

Lupita Nyong’o

She’s a string bean, but look at those arms! Really toned. I bet she’d make a great wide receiver or defensive back. She probably runs just as fast as hell. I’m glad that slave movie did well. Many of my voters come from slave people.  Looks like she’s wearing Prada to me.

Day 1

Firstly, I just want to thank Mikhail Prokhorov for flying me over to beautiful Sochi to report on the Olympic games for a publication as respected as The Beating! Mikhail is a class act and a great example of what the free market can accomplish and why traditional family values must be upheld!

I want to say how much I love Russia and their culture. I really get it. It’s just a great party, 24/7, and the sensible restrictions they impose on the media are something that Canada, Toronto in particular, desperately needs. There is a lot we can learn from Russia, and not just about drinking! (LOL)

I’m a straight shooter, so I have to tell you that the Opening Ceremonies are not really my thing. Personally, I find them a little airy-fairy, more for the wife than for me, so I have to admit I didn’t watch them, choosing instead to take in some MMA with staff and new friends. I tell you, you Russians are warriors! You wouldn’t know it from how you fight in hockey, but in the Octagon? Ass kickers!

Day 2

No blog post.

Day 3

That guy, Johnny Quinn? Fucking awesome! He is the hand’s down star of the Olympics. Not only does he have a movie star/astronaut/ fireman name but he played in BOTH the NFL and the CFL, AND just broke down his own bathroom door when it wouldn’t unlock!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself in the same friggin’ position and responded with exactly the same kind of rage, confusion and entitlement that Quinn showed. This guy is not just the Olympic spirit stuffed in an athlete’s body, but is a shining example of how capitalism bashed through the walls of communism to bring freedom to the great people of Russia!

Day 4

Simply cannot believe how gross Bob Costas’s eyes have become. They make me want to puke.

Day 5

I haven’t seen any beggars here in Sochi. In Toronto they cover downtown like a disease, always asking for handouts. I’ve only given money to a beggar once, a lady one who was wearing a Denver Bronco’s hat, my favourite team. I will always give money to a Broncos fan, but never to anybody else, because of the free market.

There should be football in the Winter Olympics. You know, a big, huge snow bowl. A women’s game, too, because I am entirely for equality of the opposite sexes.

Day 6

No blog post

Day 7

I got to say, the athletes here are freaking beautiful. Super sexy. Justine Dufour-Lapointe? Holy fucking shit. I’ve gotten my staff to get me that Tinder dating App– which is what all the athletes are using to hook-up ( http://sochiontinder.tumblr.com/ )– and am hoping maybe to get the opportunity to party with her and  the Jamaican bobsled team, who I bet get tons of tail. Anyway, I’d also like to meet some of the Dutch girl speed skaters. Those outfits, the superhero ones that cover them like skin, are dead sexy.

P.S: So far, I’ve only seen four dead dogs, so I don’t know why the LIBERAL media was making such a big deal about that.

What follows is a partial transcript of what some of their surveillance revealed:

2:43 am: Ford drives his Escalade, distinctive Ford You license plate and brass balls hanging from the vehicle’s undercarriage visible, into 7-11 parking lot. Tom Cochrane “Life is a Highway” plays loudly through the speakers.

2:45 am: Ford urinates against a nearby dumpster and enters store.

2:46 am: Ford buys large bag of Cheesies, opens them and begins eating them.

2:47 am: Ford says that each Cheesie is like “ a little orange blow-job,” and then offers some to the clerk.

2:48 am: Ford associate Sandro Lisi drives into the parking lot.

2:49 am: Ford asks clerk about his accent, wants to know if it was real or just something he made up.

2:50 am: Cheesie dust all over the mayor, he tells clerk that if city hall wasn’t so stuck-up, he’d speak with an accent all the time.  Loves the Jamaican accent he says in Jamaican accent.

2:51 am: Ford gives clerk his business card, tells him to call if he has a pothole problem.

2:52 am: Sandro Lisi honks car horn.

2:53 am: Police receive tip from psychic that Ford might be in New Jersey. Helicopter dispatched. Possible we are currently following a double. Ford not to be underestimated.

2:54 am: Ford hurries out of 7-11, avoiding all eye contact with Lisi, unrolls Escalade driver’s side window and then goes and hides behind the dumpster.

2:55 am: Lisi, one arm in a sling, enters into 7-11 and buys a pepperette, bottle of Gatorade and a Scratch N’ Win ticket.

2:57 am: Lisi scratches ticket and wins. Very happy. Punches good arm up into air. Cashier gives him $10.  Lisi buys five more tickets, scratching each one at counter. No wins. Lisi, angry, but clearly more disappointed in himself.

2:58 am Lisi leaves 7-11 and drops small parcel into front seat of Ford’s car.

3:00 am: Lisa makes cell phone call to Rob Ford. Undercover detective working as 7-11 clerk hears ringing behind dumpster. Lisi drives away

3:01 am: Rob Ford pops up from behind the dumpster and runs to car, looks in window at parcel Lisi had placed on the front seat. Does window of vehicle back up and returns to 7-11, buying rolling paper, matches and a copy of Maxim Magazine.

3:05 am: Ford exits 7-11.

3:06 am: Ford returns to 7-11, buys chocolate milk, drinks it, sticks several “Ford for Mayor” fridge magnets on a variety of products and surfaces.

3:10 am: Ford exits 7-11. Spots raccoon near dumpster, throws empty chocolate milk carton at it, shouting “Go deep, raccoon, go deep!”

3:11am: Two more raccoons emerge from shrubbery near dumpster, they all stare back at Ford with determined, glowing eyes.

3:12 am: Ford hurries into car and quickly departs parking lot.

*1 “I don’t want to be conceited and I don’t want to toot my own horn. But I believe when it comes to my fiscal policy, I am by far the best mayor the city has ever had.” Rob Ford, Nov 3, 2013

There’s his passion for football, for instance, as well as smoking crack with drug dealers, calling the media “maggots” and getting thrown out of hockey games for being drunk, but there’s a lot more to the man that just his robust vulgarity. For years now, Ford has been a big fan of the New Yorker Magazine, in particular their weekly cartoon caption contest, and each week the mayor always finds time to submit to the contest. What follows are a collection of some of his better submissions:

While you’re down there….

I may have had a whale of a time, but I am not a crack cocaine addict right now!

Stupid leftie pinkos and their subways!

Ask #3 to spread her legs wider so I can get a better look.

I’d do anything for some chicken wings!!!

Remember when you used to drill me? Wanna get drunk?

Ondrej Pavlec

Goaltender, Winnipeg Jets

Ondrej:

Lay off the fucking booze and hookers!

Or at least wait until the off-season.

Christ, you couldn’t stop one of those giant Earth Ball things all year, and it was clear that you played every game over-sexed and hung-over. You might be able to get away with that sort of shit in Mother Russia, but not here. Got it, Ivan?

And stop hanging out with Mickey Rourke, he’s a bad influence.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Adam Henrique

Center, New Jersey Devils

Adam:

It’s hard for me to imagine what a disappointment to your family you must be. You had 5 assists all season. I could get 5 assists in just one period, and I wear glasses. You’re a disgrace. You don’t belong on a Fantasy Team, you belong on a Nightmare Team.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Zack Kassian

Right Wing, Vancouver Canucks

Zack:

You are such a douche.

You’ll probably whine, moaning that you’re still only 22, but your built like a fucking Bigfoot and if you don’t have the talent to play with real men, then you have to use your size and primitive, douche instincts to their greatest advantage! You have to intimidate and beat-up your opponents!! It’s called “making space” for your teammates. Stop being such a pussy. You don’t deserve the nickname “The Kassassian,” you deserve the nickname “The Kack Factor.”

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Ilya Kovalchuk

Left wing, New Jersey Devils

Ilya:

That was the worst season of your career.

Thanks a lot.

I hate you.

You are not welcome in the city of Toronto.

Your last name sounds like the noise I make while looking at your final numbers and throwing-up.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Eric Cole

Left wing, Dallas Stars

Eric:

Why didn’t you retire?

Your performance was worse than useless all season long.

You’re ugly and I hope your post-career car dealership goes bankrupt.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wow.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking wow.

@TOPDOGMAYOR:  Don’t think that guy will be finishing the race. What a shame. : (

@TOPDOGMAYOR: It breaks your heart when an athlete is injured like that.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto salutes Boston, city of Bravery, Brawn, Brains and Beans and Lettuce.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: We are all Boston Beans today.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking hate terrorists.

@TOPDOGMAOR: White or brown terrorists? Send in your votes!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Should decide this once and for all on the football grid, like men!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Who is your favourite football player? Free parking spot to person who submits best answer.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Authorities saying bomb was made from Crock Pot full of nails and BBs.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Like my Crock Pots to be full of chili. LOL.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Can’t believe they canceled Bruins-Pens game. Must be very serious situation.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto, you are safe, I am at the helm.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Probably won’t go to Florida this week, but if I do, contact: councillor_dford@toronto.ca in case of emerg.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: So many heroes. Like that guy in the cowboy hat.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Free lifetime parking spot in Toronto for guy in cowboy hat!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: He is a cowboy, on a steel horse he rides! Guns N’ Roses, man, Guns N’ Roses.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Suspects in bombing ID’d!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wouldn’t want to be wearing white ball cap in Beantown today!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope Ben Afflect makes movie about this. Argo ruled!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Now donning Red Sox baseball cap in honour of victims. Suggest you do the same.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Send poison in the mail to this Mayor, expect a world of trouble.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Elvis impersonator terrorists, I am watching you.

@TOPDODMAYOR: Some cop killed in wild shootout at Harvard!!!

@ TOPDOGMAYOR: Evil doers carjack classy Mercedes and knock-off 7-11!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: It’s like a Tarrantino flick. Completely fucking awesome.

@TOPDOFMAYOR: Heart goes out to family of fallen hero.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope guy with cowboy hat gets involved and kicks ass!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Really like to see Uma Thurman character involved, too.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Not a movie, but feels like movie.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: HUGE FUCKING SHOOT-OUT IN BEAN TOWN!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: One Borat guy now dead, looking for other!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: All of Boston shut down! Fucking love Boston!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Love to be mayor of Boston. Got big, brass balls!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Dead guy was athlete. Shame when athlete dies young, even if terrorist athlete.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: @Dougford Can’t delete last Tweet. WTF???

@TOPDOGMAYOR: MAYOR FORD DOES NOT CONDONE TERRORISM IN ANY FORM, EVEN BY ATHLETES.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Other Borat now hiding in boat. On land. What a moron!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Interesting. Boston seems to be doing fine without mass transit. Must be saving a shitload.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: No vowels in the Borat names. Weird. How do you say them??

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Little Borat captured!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Great day for Boston, great day for freedom!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Bet they riot in streets in celebration! Love to be there!! Go Boston!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: USA!!USA!!!USA!!!

Based on the old New York Times Photo series, What They Were Thinking, I came up with an idea to post the unflattering picture of Ford before it made a splash, and have the Mayor, in his own words, tell the public exactly what he was thinking the moment the photograph was snapped. This way, we would be ahead of the envelope and we could see the inner, vulnerable Mayor.

This photograph, taken late Thursday night at a CJPAC event, shows the Mayor kindly posing for a photograph with a fan.

What The Mayor Was Thinking:

“Well, it was International Woman’s Day, so I was thinking about all the amazing contributions women have made to the world. If it weren’t for women, I don’t think that there would be any cookies, babies, or lingerie football, and I bet Cute Overload would have tanked. There’s tons of other stuff, too, and I was thinking about that, also. I mean, women have written books and starred in movies, there have even been lady Mayors! It’s amazing, when you think about it, and I was considering all of it, the sorts of make-out music they like and how they’re scared of spiders. I was really feeling the lady vibe right then. Like, the way that they smell, the way they feel, and the way that their voices are higher and softer than your own—it’s just so cool. You know, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Aniston, The Kardashians, Jennifer Lawrence, Pamela Anderson, hell, even Lindsay Lohan, and Scarlett Johansson, yeah, her big time…The list just goes on and on. Women are fucking awesome, and I really like it when they’re around, especially when I’m feeling a little lonely, and believe me, even a big, cool Mayor like me gets lonely from time to time.”

*Late on Thursday night while at a CJPAC event, Sarah Thomson, a former candidate for Mayor, posted the photograph of Rob and her at the function, stating that he said she should have been in Florida with him last week because his wife wasn’t there and then grabbed her ass.

“In this picture I was thinking about the colour of the car, how it was like the bottom of one of those above-ground swimming pools that the poor people put up in their backyards. I grew up with a real pool. We were rich. Pools are a good way of excluding people and creating pecking orders. The football guys liked to hangout at our pool, but without the pool, who knows? I was also wondering about all the sex that took place in that car. A lot, I bet.

“ In this photograph I was thinking about what it would feel like to shoot a monkey, the Ikea Monkey in particular. What was his name? Genesis? Something stupid. Anyway, ever since that monkey became a big media story I’ve been having fantasies about shooting it. Not sure why. It might be the little, gay coat that bugs me. It’s not natural that a boy monkey is dressed that way. “

“ Blow Jobs and the way that pets look at you funny when you’re having sex.”

“I don’t want to sound vain because I’m a man of the people, but I was thinking that I look good in hats. A lot of people say that you can measure a politician’s success by how natural and at ease he looks in different hats. (Don’t know what the policy is for chicks). I think a lot of my political success has to do with my ability to look good in a hat.

“ I probably should have been thinking about the owl, but I was deep in thought right there considering the works of Roman poet and philosopher Lucretious and his views on Epicurean principles and Atomism. I think that a lot of people misunderstand hedonism and I was trying to untangle that philosophical quandary and than suddenly I was like, “Oh fuck, an owl!”

Scandal Scenario #1

A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.

Scandal Scenario #2

What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.

Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.

Scandal Scenario #3

Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally.  Stop the gravy train!

Scandal Scenario #4

Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.