R: My hockey game just ended and I should be there in about 10!
R: No fights.
R: There are never any fights.
R: Well, thank you, I guess.
R: I appreciate that you think I would be good in fight.
R: It’s one of the nicest things you’ve ever said to me.
R: Very romantic.
R: Oh, you got the best seat in the house!
R: Well done, Pickle!
R: Yes, your charm is considerable.
R: I bet the hostess didn’t stand a chance.
R: Those new sneakers really give you a lot of confidence, don’t they?
R: Imagine how you’d feel if you had a driver’s license and a job, too??
R: You’d be made of confidence! You’d probably take over a country or something!
R: I’m not being sarcastic.
R: I’m being cute, playful and funny.
R: Hockey doesn’t make me mean.
R: Oh, Pickle, you know I love you, and I do appreciate that you got there early and used your charm to get us the best table in the place.
R: Yes, you do have a commanding presence. It’s clear from the way that animals always obey you.
R: Our dog, for instance, she really listens!
R: And remember when the squirrel knocked you over and gave you a bloody nose when it stole a lozenge from you?
R: No? Well, you did hit your head pretty hard, it’s possible you got a concussion.
R: Yes, you just keep up with the online brain games and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
R: I know you skipped grade three, but honey, that was a very, very long time ago.
R: WHAT????
R: REALLY??? HOLY FUCK!!
R: For the love of Christ, DO NOT SAY A WORD TO HIM!!
R: I CANNOT BELIEVE JIM CUDDY IS IN THE RESTAURANT!! OMG!
R: NO!!! Do not tell him that you really admired his work in the Bare Naked Ladies!
R: You know damn well he was in Blue Rodeo.
R: But it’s true, I would be a bare naked lady for him!
R: How does he look?
R: Yes, it is interesting that you got the best seat in the house and not him. HOW DOES HE LOOK?
R: Oh, he’s wearing ugly sneakers, is he?
R: I still love him. I would love him in any weather.
R: Whatever you do, pleasepleaseplease don’t speak to him.
R: Please, promise me that.
R: Look, I’m allowed celebrity crushes.
R: I know you’ve been looking at the nudes of Jennifer Lawrence.
R: I know you say you’d never violate her and that it’s a sex crime to look at stolen photos, but your Internet history tells a different story.
R: Look, let’s cut the bullshit, just make sure I’m sitting where I have a clear sight line to him, I’ll be there in 30 seconds.
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Ponderosa
By Dan
Fucking A.
The Ponderosa delivers like a goddamn steak mailman.
Unlimited chocolate milk? Unlimited awesome.
Love the swinging doors and bacon bits, and almost everybody working there was wearing a hairnet, so you know that they’re serious about their crap. I’d definitely go back. Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!
The Pink Dragon
By Keo
The food is very good here but I swear to God the place is haunted! I went down to the basement to use the bathroom and while I was washing my hands I saw a pale Asian man standing behind me in the mirror, but when I turned around there was nobody there. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but later I was told that the Pink Dragon was built on an old Chinese morgue and was known to be haunted. Apparently a dishwasher stabbed a cook to death there too, and after that they erected those lion-dog sculptures out front to ward off evil spirits. If you take a close look, you’ll notice that there’s no #9 on the menu, and this is because the cook was murdered on the 9th day of September, the 9th month of the year.
Der Speisewagon
By Anthony
Lauren and I used to go to Der Speisewagon together. It was kind of our place. Felt weird, sad-weird to be there alone. When Lauren and I were together German food seemed kind of fun, like a campy polka, but now it just seems blunt and obnoxious. I don’t really remember what I had, some sort of sausage and a shit ton of beer, I think, so you know, just not very memorable. Lauren, she’s memorable. She was my schnitzel.
Chuck E. Cheese’s
By Susan
Look, I know that this is a place for kids, but Jesus Fucking Christ! The food was awful, like garbage they dug out of a hole. Not even a drunk person could eat it. I ordered the “chicken sandwich,” and I am damn sure positive that what they served was not chicken. Maybe goat. Or squirrel. God knows. The staff was lobotomized and dirty, and the kids unsupervised savages. I saw one 6-year-old girl with hot, greasy cheese strands in her hair and two pepperoni slices covering her eyes. The plus side is that they sell beer. I had four. And then, drunk, I drove my son home, swearing to never, ever set foot in that accursed place again. The horror, the horror.
