Based on the old New York Times Photo series, What They Were Thinking, I came up with an idea to post the unflattering picture of Ford before it made a splash, and have the Mayor, in his own words, tell the public exactly what he was thinking the moment the photograph was snapped. This way, we would be ahead of the envelope and we could see the inner, vulnerable Mayor.
This photograph, taken late Thursday night at a CJPAC event, shows the Mayor kindly posing for a photograph with a fan.
What The Mayor Was Thinking:
“Well, it was International Woman’s Day, so I was thinking about all the amazing contributions women have made to the world. If it weren’t for women, I don’t think that there would be any cookies, babies, or lingerie football, and I bet Cute Overload would have tanked. There’s tons of other stuff, too, and I was thinking about that, also. I mean, women have written books and starred in movies, there have even been lady Mayors! It’s amazing, when you think about it, and I was considering all of it, the sorts of make-out music they like and how they’re scared of spiders. I was really feeling the lady vibe right then. Like, the way that they smell, the way they feel, and the way that their voices are higher and softer than your own—it’s just so cool. You know, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Aniston, The Kardashians, Jennifer Lawrence, Pamela Anderson, hell, even Lindsay Lohan, and Scarlett Johansson, yeah, her big time…The list just goes on and on. Women are fucking awesome, and I really like it when they’re around, especially when I’m feeling a little lonely, and believe me, even a big, cool Mayor like me gets lonely from time to time.”
*Late on Thursday night while at a CJPAC event, Sarah Thomson, a former candidate for Mayor, posted the photograph of Rob and her at the function, stating that he said she should have been in Florida with him last week because his wife wasn’t there and then grabbed her ass.
]]>Scandal Scenario #1
A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.
Scandal Scenario #2
What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.
Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.
Scandal Scenario #3
Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally. Stop the gravy train!
Scandal Scenario #4
Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.
