******************************************
Rachelle: I’m sorry, honey, that’s just not the way that it works.
Rachelle: Although you identify as a two-lunged person, it does not change the fact that you only have one lung.
Rachelle: Yes.
Rachelle: Yes, I think it would likely disqualify you from being hired as a bodyguard.
Rachelle: Hate speech?
Rachelle: Really? You think that’s hate speech?
Rachelle: Well, yes! You should Tweet about it then!
Rachelle: That will really help get things done!
Rachelle: I like the way you fight for justice, you really are the sharp end of the spear!
Rachelle: Oh Pickle, if it’s of any consolation, there are all sorts of reasons beyond you needing supplemental oxygen that would likely stop a person from hiring you as a bodyguard.
Rachelle: Well, you’re pretty weak.
Rachelle: I know.
Rachelle: That rope hang test back in primary school was hard!
Rachelle: I don’t know what they were thinking.
Rachelle: I agree.
Rachelle: It was biased against those with upper body strength issues.
Rachelle: I’m sure you would have gotten a gold star if not for that test.
Rachelle: Well, bronze for sure.
Rachelle: Regardless, my love, I think it’s time to let that go now.
Rachelle: It was a long time ago.
Rachelle: Okay. If Tweeting about it will make you feel better, you Tweet away!
Rachelle: I’ll wait.
Rachelle: What did you Tweet?
Rachelle: FUCK THE ROPE!
Rachelle: Well, that will show them!
Rachelle: Do you think people will know what that means?
Rachelle: Yes. I am very naive.
Rachelle: I believe you. It probably will go viral.
Rachelle: But look, there are other reasons you might not flourish as bodyguard.
Rachelle: You’re kind of clumsy. You move like a pigeon, all jerky and unpredictable.
Rachelle: Also, you don’t enunciate very clearly. I think people would have a hard time understanding the things you reported into your lapel microphone.
Rachelle: Yes. There could be confusion.
Rachelle: Communication is key for a bodyguard.
Rachelle: You’d have to repeat yourself all the time. Lots of wasted time. A terrorist only needs a second to blow himself up.
Rachelle: Oh Michael, I am not “shitting on your dreams.”
Rachelle: His name is Richard Madden. He’s the star of the tv show Bodyguard.
Rachelle: THAT IS NOT TRUE!
Rachelle: He is not an asshole.
Rachelle: He’s just very organized and knows what he wants.
Rachelle: It’s called confidence and strength, and it can be very, very sexy.
Rachelle: A commanding, strong man.
Rachelle: No.
Rachelle: That’s not hate speech either.
Rachelle: If I was an “Alt-Right Nazi” who wanted to “exterminate” those who lacked confidence and strength, do you really think I would have married you, Pickle?
Rachelle: Yes, it is true.
Rachelle: Your potential was, and still remains great. Very great.
Rachelle: You’re my favourite bodyguard.
Rachelle: No.
Rachelle: Sorry.
Rachelle: I was mistaken when I wrote that.
Rachelle: Richard Madden is still my favourite bodyguard.
Rachelle: He could guard my body any time.
Rachelle: Yes.
Rachelle: Sexually.
Rachelle: Well, as much as it would pain me, if a beautiful actress asked you to be her bodyguard, I wouldn’t stand in the way.
Rachelle: I expect Jennifer Lawrence already has a security team in place, though.
Rachelle: But maybe she’d still hire you on. I hear she has a big heart.
Rachelle: You could be The Littlest Bodyguard.
Rachelle: Maybe get on Ellen.
Rachelle: Yes, it would be the Christmas story the world needs right now.
]]>*************************************************
From @realDonaldTrump:
Ron Glass died! Black guy on Barney Miller. Very fussy and wordy. Maybe gay. Easy to overlook. Just 71. Still in the prime of his life. Sad.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Florence Henderson died! America’s original MILF. Did I? Wouldn’t be classy to tell, but as Flo is dead– yes, many, many times. Once with Marcia, too.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Leonard Cohen died! Think it was a nut allergy. Might have to ban nuts. We’re losing too many of the good ones to them.#WarOnNuts!
From @realDonaldTrump:
I am in perfect health. No nut allergy. Can eat nuts by the handful. Shame about Crooked Hillary’s health. So very sick. Tired all the time. Crooked Hillary next to die?
From @realDonaldTrump:
Jose Fernandez died! Great, great pitcher for Miami. Un hombre sincero. Had box seats for his last start. Great service. Stunning waitresses. They love me in Florida.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Sharon Jones died! Pancreatic cancer. Nasty. I stand with the black people, who love me, love me so much, during this sad, sad time. I will fix your broken inner cities!!
From @realDonaldTrump:
Pat Harrington Jr. died! The janitor guy on One Day at a Time. Decent show. Maybe not the best. Preferred Three’s Company. Chrissy? She was a 9, for sure. Body and face.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Actress Suzanne Somers played Chrissy. Blonde and jiggly. I won’t lie to you, I had sex with her many times. So many times you wouldn’t believe.
From @realDonaldTrump:
One time we did it in the linen closet of a 5 star restaurant. She was a great piece of real estate, that lady. Outstanding. #WomenLoveMe.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Muhammad Ali died! Great showman. Brought lots of people and money into the casinos. Huge amounts. He got so shaky in the end, though. Sad.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Former Miss New Jersey Cara McCollum has died! Saw her naked more than once in the change room at the pageant. Body a solid 9. Face? Maybe a 7 on a good day. We mourn her passing.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Prince has died! He was never my thing. Straight or gay? Hard to tell. Always changing his brand. Very confusing for the consumer. Made him a bad businessman. #BuyTrumpBrandWater
From @realDonaldTrump:
David Bowie died! Had a glass eye. Was married to a Somalian supermodel. Guy was way out there. Tried to get him on Celebrity Apprentice but there were scheduling problems.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Gene Wilder died! Alzheimer’s Disease. Couldn’t remember a thing in the end. I am in perfect health. My mind is like a platinum trap. Ivy League educated. So, so very smart. #HighestPresidentialIQOfAllTime
From @realDonaldTrump:
Chyna has died! Drug overdose. I have never taken any drugs in my life. Unlike Crooked Hillary who is on HUGE amounts of meds. She’s all weak and shaky like Ali was before his death. Don’t think she has long.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Chyna was a great lady wrestler. Really tall. Kind of homely, but still able to turn a profit in porn. Gotta admire that.
Always thought Ivanka could dominate the industry if she chose.
]]>TheBoxFactory: Not only is a box an excellent and unexpected Christmas gift, but it’s also what you put the gift in! #Boxenthusiasts
TheBoxFactory: A Christmas box classic! http://ow.ly/rNgZg
TheBoxFactory: Are you getting excited to find out what Santa has in his box for you?
TheBoxFactory: It is important for Box Factory workers to show up on time for their shifts.
TheBoxFactory: The Ultimate Box: The Box To End All Boxes (as featured in The Hobbit). Don’t forget to add this to your Christmas list! #Boxenthusiasts
TheBoxFactory: Employees of The Box Factory, don’t forget the office Christmas party on Dec. 14!
TheBoxFactory: The fridge in the staff kitchen is disgusting. People need to clean out their own rotting food!!!
TheBoxFactory: This fridge needs to be clean by December 14th!
TheBoxFactory: Life in not like a jar of chocolates, it’s like a BOX of chocolates!! http://ow.ly/rNhxD
TheBoxFactory: Appreciate the excellent work on the fridge! Looks like things will be good to go for our big party tomorrow!! Remember, potluck.
TheBoxFactory: We make the best boxes.
TheBoxFactory: Christmas party tonight!! BYOB!! (Bring your own box! LOL!)
TheBoxFactory: I will be bringing a bucket (I mean box!) of KFC! #MichaelMurrayPartyCentral
TheBoxFactory: Am very disappointed to hear that Manuel will be doing the music tonight. It’s going to be a Christian rock kind of Christmas party. Barf.
TheBoxFactory: Party starts at 5:00 sharp!
TheBoxFactory: The first song that Manuel played was about Jesus and sung by white people. Nobody dancing. Way to go, Manny.
TheBoxFactory: Manuel is a loser who makes shitty boxes.
TheBoxFactory: And wears stupid sweaters.#ReasonsToHateManny
TheBoxFactory: Janice and Sandro just snuck off behind the SBM 86.
TheBoxFactory: I think they’re gonna do it again just like last year.
TheBoxFactory: If you hear somebody yell, “Mother of dragons,” you know that Janice and Sandro are breaking company policy and “God’s law.” #ThingsMannyWouldSay
TheBoxFactory: As a reminder: Company Policy: 9:42: The Box Factory prohibits a dating/sexual relationship between one employee and any other, be they full, part-time or temporary, other than his or her spouse.
TheBoxFactory: If I was DJ this is what would be playing: http://ow.ly/rOA9b #fun
TheBoxFactory: Getting nice buzz on.
TheBoxFactory: Didn’t think I could beat Jelena at arm wrestling, but there you have it!!!
TheBoxFactory: Best party ever. I love you Boxonians!
TheBoxFactory: If anybody wants some dope, Marvin is in the parking lot by the loading bay.
TheBoxFactory: Good shit.
TheBoxFactory: Also, potato salad tastes really weird. Might contain some weird ethnic spice. Be warned!!
(The second half of the party Tweets will appear later)
]]>One of the people who escaped the mall on that day was Toronto Blue Jay third baseman Brett Lawrie. This is what he tweeted to his more than 125, 000 followers:
“pretty sure someone just let off a round of bullets in the eaton center mall…Wow just sprinted out of the mall…Through traffic…”
“ People sprinting up the stairs right from where we just were…Wow wow wow”
These are some other eyewitness reports:
“Everybody panicked and ran as fast as they could. We sprinted up the escalator and people were falling on top of one another and I was very scared I was going to get trampled or shot in the back. It felt like America not Canada.”
“My wife jumped on our kids and protected them. She pulled my youngest out of the stroller and laid herself out beside her. She sang songs to her and pulled out her breast so as to comfort her. It was an amazing and beautiful thing to do. She’s a hero.”
“I knew something was wrong when I heard two different groups of people screaming and crying as they ran past. I was frozen, not knowing what to do. An Asian woman stopped to tell me what had happened. She had a tattoo of a man standing in front of a tank on her wrist, and when I saw it I knew it must have been inspired by Tiananmen Square, and I wondered if I was feeling the same sort of terror that they felt on that day. I was still stunned, but the woman tugged me on the shoulder and then I began to run, too
“ When I heard the shots and all the yelling I couldn’t help thinking that it was my mother’s birthday. I just kept saying, “I can’t die on my mother’s birthday, I can’t die on my mother’s birthday,” and I just ran with the mob until I hit the street.”
“Ever since I was a child and I saw the Columbine shooting on TV, I’ve had recurring nightmares about this sort of thing. I’d always been waiting for it to happen, I guess, and there it was, happening. I should have been scared, but I wasn’t, I was calm, thinking that I had a role to play and had been summoned by God to be present on this day.”
“I’d just bought a new high definition TV and I didn’t want to drop it. I worried about people running over it. But I did drop it and then I ran like hell.”
“Me and my friends come down to hangout at the food court all the time. There’s a girl who works at the Dairy Queen I’ve always wanted to talk to, but she’s so pretty I get too nervous. When the shooting started I thought of her. I didn’t want her to be scared. I wanted to save her, but everything happened so quickly that I don’t even remember running. Suddenly I was standing outside on the street and I knew right then that I wanted to marry her. I hope to tell our grandchildren that story one day.”
