but recently he’s been opening up a lot of Chatbox windows, always asking strange questions and speaking in an absolutely bizarre voice. At first I though it was a joke, something he liked to do when high, but today I think I put the pieces together.

I recently wrote about the Guardians of Peace, the organization responsible for the massive hack on Sony,

and one of the results of this is that they started to follow me on Twitter. I have to say, this has been unnerving, but perhaps not as unnerving as learning that US Law enforcement has been actively gathering intelligence on the Guardians of Peace through undercover operations on Facebook. I now suspect that the FBI has hacked into Rob’s Facebook account and is now using it to try to gather information about my relationship with, and knowledge of the Guardians of Peace.

What follows are some of the Facebook Chatbox sessions “Rob” and I have had over the last couple of weeks:

Rob: Hey, big guy! How are you favorite sport’s teams today?

Me: The fucking Canadiens were beaten by the Senators! Lost $150!! Please don’t tell Rachelle! She’d kill me if she knew I was still gambling!

Rob: A secret gambling vice, that’s a real exploitable vulnerability, Michael! I bet your enemies could ruin you with that information! Anyway, sure would be nice if the Guardians of Peace hacked into the Canadiens and taught them a lesson or two about football! Can you make that happen, Michael?

Me: Rob, it’s pretty early for bourbon, isn’t it?

Rob: I like our friendship, Michael, it is good that we share! We must go to a strip club soon! You have a Korean fetish, right?

Rob: Who is your favourite sexy actress? I like the way that Miley Cyrus twerks!

Me: Her dancing is cultural appropriation, Rob!

Rob: America is a land of freedom that grants equal opportunity for all, do you not agree with this premise?

Me: No, not really.

Rob: Mike, can I call you Mike? You know what treason is, don’t you? Is treason or revolution something you would support?

Me: I would like to commit various treasons with Jessica Simpson.

Rob: If you had to pick a country to invade, what country would it be?

Me: I don’t know, Russia? Somebody’s gotta make Putin put on a shirt.

Rob: So are you saying that Russia is the next to suffer a major cyber attack???

Rob: The Eagles are a great band. What do you think they would make of the Guardians of Peace and their hack on an innocent corporation (Sony) working within the free market? Do you think if the Eagles knew anything about the terrorist organization The Guardians of Peace, that they would turn that information over to the authorities? I do. I think that the Eagles, your favourite band, would do the right thing.

Me: The Eagles aren’t my favourite band. The Doobie Brothers are.

Rob: The Doobie Brothers always do the right thing. They hate North Korea, love freedom and always give the government useful information in the war against terror!

After family had left and the remaining adults retreated to their bedrooms, the girls began a dance party in our living room. The bass-heavy music thumped away, with the girls singing along together in a harmony that they might never find again. For that moment, they were a perfectly constituted choir—a constellation of sound, movement, energy and potential.

Studying YouTube, they taught themselves new dance steps.

Gas.

Pedal.

Gas.

Pedal.

And as they gained confidence and expertise, their steps grew louder and more choreographed. They were becoming more like the versions of themselves they wanted to be, and their voices, now high-pitched and excited, rose above the music. Lying back in bed watching TV, Rachelle and I could make out flashes of their tossed hair reflected back from the mirror in the hallway, and it was like catching glimpses of agents of nature, unguarded and fierce in their natural habitat.

As it was getting late, we told them that they’d have to keep it down and mind our neighbours, and so they began to dance softly. Having switched to stealth mode, it was as if they were now in moccasins– their feet falling as soft as whispers. And after 30 minutes they had danced themselves dry and all ran to the kitchen, chugging glass after glass of water from the cutest cups that they could find.

And in 10, 20, 30 years, that song they were listening to will come to them over the radio or in a bar, and it will all return in surprising torrents. The moves, like muscle memory, will return, the pretty, downtown dresses bought on Queen Street, the junk food shared and last names suddenly recalled….Yes, that feeling of the endless summer of youth, of being thirsty and drinking cold, cold water, of a life once so simple, pure and beautiful– everything still imperishable and perfect stretching before them.

The present regime is concerned that this is not reflective of the sophisticated, even progressive nature of Iran, as well as being an obvious diplomatic hindrance. With that in mind, the government is considering some alternate slogans, a few of which appear below:

1. AMERICA, WE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR OBESITY!!
2. AMERICA, YOU ARE BEING UNKIND!!
3. AMERICA, WE DO NOT HATE THE JEWS!!
4. AMERICA, THE TWERKING, IT IS NOT DECENT!!
5. AMERICA, WE HAVE NEVER INVADED ANOTHER COUNTRY!!
6. AMERICA, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT FOOTBALL IS!!
7. AMERICA, ARE YOU HAPPY?! WE WORRY!!
8. AMERICA, PLEASE HEAR OUR POEM!!
9. AMERICA, THIS IS QUITE SERIOUS
10. AMERICA, WHEN WILL YOU BE ANGELIC?!

Dear Ms. Cyrus:

Hello, how is the weather? The weather in Ottawa has been a mixed bag. It’s just been so unpredictable this year!  The leaves have started to turn in the Gatineau hills and it’s as beautiful as always. If you’re ever in Ottawa for one of your concerts you should take the time to have a look because it’s really very pretty.

But it’s not the weather that’s making me write this letter, I’m writing to let you know just how much I disapprove of your behaviour. You’re a very bad role model! I know it must feel “cool” or “off the hoof” to be acting out in such a way, but it’s not!! You should listen to what older ladies, and that Irish man, have to say to you because they’ve been through it and you haven’t! Not listening is elder abuse, you know.

When I hear about you shaking your bottom at the camera all I can think of is how you must be hurting your parent’s achy-breaky hearts. Is that the sort of daughter you want to be, the sort of daughter who sticks a knife in the heart of her mother and father by acting the harlot? Don’t you know that if you give the milk away for free nobody will buy the cow? Do you have an education to fall back on? What if this “Twerping” career doesn’t work out and nobody wants to buy your LP’s, what then? What if you get sick???

I was a nurse for 40 years Miley, and I learned a thing or two. One of which is that walking around with your tongue hanging out all the time is not just VERY unflattering, but it’s also VERY unhygienic. Have you ever seen cancer of the tongue? Have you?

It’s not very “sexy” let me tell you, and you can get it if you keep a dirty tongue. You can’t be licking sledgehammers! There are all sorts of germs on them! You need to gargle with salt water and baking soda at least twice a day, and you need to keep your tongue in your mouth! It’s what you sing with, Miley, and you, who hasn’t bothered to get an education, cannot afford to get tongue cancer, lose your career and then be husbandless– because you gave all the milk away when you were young– and force your parents to look after you for the rest of your life! They’re not made of money, you know!

Anyway, it’s time for me to feed Frito, so I should go. I hope it’s a nice day in L.A. and that you’re able to turn your life around so that you’re not so hurtful to your parents. They gave you your life, you know.

Sincerely,

Barb Murray

As many of you know, Rob and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time, and it was at a local pub—Tiddlers—where we became last call drinking acquaintances.  We’ve stayed in a weird contact over the years, frequently messaging one another when up late and partying alone. This is my most recent correspondence with the mayor, which took place sometime after two in the morning on Wednesday.

Rob: FORD NATION KNOCKING!!!

Me: Rob!!

Rob: BRAIN ON FIRE! All sorts of ideas!! Need quick feedback!!

Me:  You always make me feel like I’m on a game show, love it!

Rob: The Quebec charter of values thing, you know, where the French people say you’re not allowed to wear the jew hat and stuff? I like it.

Me: If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything!

Rob: Damn straight! I’m free market, not going to tell people what they can’t do, but if you live in Ford Nation, you’re going to have to walk the walk, get it? If you have to be a weirdo and ride a bicycle, then you have to wear an Argo’s jersey when you do it.

Me: It’s brilliant, Rob, it can’t miss! What happens if you’re culturally un-Ford Nation and exploit a public resource like a library?

Rob: You got to see Iron Man III and eat a Cronut burger.

Me: And then wear the t-shirt, “ I survived the Cronut Burger! Ford For Mayor 2014!”

Rob: Yeah!! Ford Nation: Not as diverse as you’d think.

Me: How about, Ford Nation: Strength in Unity?

Rob: Love it!!! Man, you really GET the heart of Ford Nation! I miss having these late night jam sessions in person!

Me: Me, too, big guy, me, too.

Rob: Know what else I miss?

Me: Tiddlers!

Rob: Tiddlers RULZ!!!!! But dude, I miss Frosh Week. I could fucken live in Frosh Week. I would take my vacations there if I could. Fuck Florida!!

Me: Frosh Week was awesome. But look, what happens to vegans? They’re not Ford Nation at all.

Rob: If you want to be vegan and live in Ford Nation, then you have to be a stripper once a week, too. Don’t care about their religion. Chicks only, tho.

Me: What if somebody isn’t a man of the people? You know, not the type to go to visit people in public housing and put campaign stickers on their door frames?

Rob: Oh! Just got another idea!

Me: Great!

Rob: My fantasy hockey team?

Me: Yeah?

Rob: Gonna call it, Everybody’s Twerking For The Weekend! After the Loverboy song!

Me: Genius.

Rob: Honest, I think it’s the best thing I ever thought of.

Me: Me, too.

Rob: Hey, you see those pictures of that bear chasing the bison down the highway?

Me: Yeah.

Rob: You the bear or the bison?

Me: Not sure. You?

Rob: Both, little buddy, both.

1. Operation Jesus Walks With Me

2. Operation Syrius Shit

3. Operation Assault on Mordor

4. Operation Bash Assad

5. Operation We’ve Been Drinking

6. Operation Destroyacus

7. Operation Mediterranean Diet of Death

8. Operation Twerkstorm

9. Operation Arab Sting

10. Celebrity Death Strike