It was your typical Annex event, and due to the inclement weather all of the attractions had been pushed inside the school. In the gym there were about five bouncy castles, and scattered throughout the rest of the buildings were face-painting stations, games, food and a book sale. It’s always so sweet being in a miniature place like that– children’s happy paintings stuck on the walls, little science experiments trying to grow on the window sill, tiny water fountains– all these things triggering simple, happy memories in those who pass by.
However, it was not all joy. As I was sorting through the books for sale I came across one of mine. A Van Full of Girls. I was astonished to find it because so few were sold, and almost all to friends, family and acquaintances. With mixed feelings I flipped through it, saw that I had actually signed if for Gemma, a dear friend, and decorated it with stickers, drawings and celebratory thoughts. As I was looking at this and thinking about what an asshole Gemma actually was, an icy voice spoke down to me.
“Oh, to come across your own book at a used book fair! How sad!”
It was, of course, Canadian literary legend Margaret Atwood, who lives in the same neighbourhood as we do and with whom I “enjoy” a “relationship.”
Me: Oh, it’s you. Kind of surprised you survived that winter.
Margaret: As Chekov said, “ ???? ?? ????????, ????????? ?? ??? ????? ??? ?????.”
Me: Never took you for a Star Trek fan. Thought you were way too pretentious for that.
Margaret: Of course you did, my poor thing.
Me: And do you have to wear a cape? Is it enshrined in the constitution or something, or are you just trying to distract people from your hair?
Margaret: Oh, look. I found another copy of your book.
Me: NO WAY!!
Margaret: It looks like Colin– to whom you had written a very wordy, messy and somewhat incoherent message on the title page– is no longer interested in having your book in his house.
Me: Colin is a dick.
Margaret: Of course he is, of course he is. And who do we have here?
Me: Jones, come here, stay away from the scary lady! She’s Vampiro!!
Jones: Do you know Bigfoot?
Margaret: I make hotdog and kale soup for him all the time! Oh, he’s a great chap!
Jones: I want hotdog soup with Bigfoot!!
Margaret: Well, one day I’ll have you and Bigfoot over and we will have some soup, okay?
Me: Jones, come here! Jones! Don’t be tricked by her! She’s a liar! She devours little boys!
Rachelle: Miss Atwood, I just want to say that it’s a real honour to meet you, and that we are all very, very grateful for the beautiful gifts you have given to the world.
Margaret: And so you are the long-suffering Rachelle? Oh my, how lovely you are! Such a refreshing contrast!
Me: I’m right here, you know.
Margaret: Yes, yes I do know.
Me: That steak was good.
Rachelle: It was.
Me: Really glad I’m here cuz after the US election really didn’t feel like I’d had enough politics!
Rachelle: Haha!!
Me: What movie would u like to be watching right now?
Rachelle: Babe: Pig in the city.
Me: Yeah, that was good– no nudity though.
Rachelle: Babe was nude.
Me: True.
Me: I thought Lincoln might emancipate a nude slave or something.
Rachelle: Ur thinking Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
Me: Nude vampire slaves? Why r we here????
Rachelle: U still in the theatre?
Me: YES!
Rachelle: Poor, brave pickle!
Me: Where are u?
Rachelle: Walking home from the subway.
Me: Why didn’t u tell me u were leaving?!
Rachelle: U were asleep. Snoring so horribly, I was embarrassed to know u.
Me: The usher has woken up 3 people that I’ve seen, so I wasn’t alone.
Rachelle: You were probably asleep for about 20 more wake-ups!
Me: Hope Lincoln gets assassinated soon.
Rachelle: That’s not very nice, he was a great American!
Me: Lots of “acting” in this movie. Wigs everywhere.
Rachelle: It’s a nice night for a stroll, and look, I just found a five dollar bill on the street!
Me: ur a very lucky woman.
Rachelle: You make your own luck, they say!
Me: I think there’s about 45 minutes left in this movie.
Rachelle: Why don’t u just leave?
Me: Still might be some tasteful nudity.
Rachelle: U want to see Lincoln nude, don’t u!
Me: No! I’m just not leaving till the slaves are free, dammit! I care!
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To compound matters the girl who was instructing me on how to ride had a speech impediment. It might have been that she was deaf, or that she had so many dental apparatuses in her mouth that verbal communication was next to impossible, but the result was that I couldn’t understand a thing she was saying. It was awkward, this, because I didn’t want to draw attention to something she was certainly self-conscious about, but I also didn’t want to give the Horse Explode command by mistake, so I politely asked her to slowly go through the instructions again– something that likely happened to her quite a bit. This made her angry and frustrated, and her instructions were now a reprimand shouted quickly from underwater.
I sat on Grace, who was banging my leg against a wooden fence.
I asked another ranch hand what the original girl had tried to tell me and she said, “Oh, Cathy is alright!” telling me nothing about how to ride a horse. It was my hope that the horse had plodded the little route my group was to take a billion times and that I would be safe, as I had just seen a dozen 10 year old girls return, all giggling and smelling of strawberries and sunshine.
I shrugged, received a dirty look from Cathy, who was probably 17, and fell in line at back of our horse train.
At the front of the line, as if to get back at me, Cathy flirted with a friend of mine who is good at everything and looks like he is good at everything.
“Ah your ah chawbay?” She asked him.
I wanted to be a cowboy.
I’ve always wanted to be a cowboy.
Grace was walking me into low hanging branches and pausing to eat grass.
Up ahead, where all my friends were, they were talking about good names for horses. Now this is something that is right up my alley. I live for moments like these.
Cathy, showing off by riding sidesaddle so that she could face everybody but me—who was way back and to the left–asked, “Wha bout Bella, is ha a gawd name?” I tried to shout out, “For a Twilight geek who wants to marry a vampire” but nobody heard me except Grace, to whom this apparently meant “Detonate.”
She tore off and I stated bouncing wildly around in the saddle, my left foot shooting out of the stirrup. I was completely out of control, like a British comedian, and then the horse slipped on a rock. I did not even know that horses slipped, and as Grace went down to her knees I leapt off her like I was fucking James Bond, and rolled across the trail like I was born to roll across trails, popping up like a ninja ready for combat.
Everybody, even Grace stopped and looked at me with amazement.
Cathy, stunned and with wide-eyes, stared, “Arh ya a cawhboy, too? Cuz ya dan look lie a cahbay, mahbe a jhockey?”
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Heidi never have resume. Always rely on looks, reputation and friends to get Heidi job, but world change! Now must be Linkedin and able to navigate social media! Heidi decide it time to make resume!
Heidi Resume
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Heidi.
Heidi good dog.
Very, very good dog.
Heidi very fast dog with excellent fetch skills. Can chase ball, cat, squirrel or flying two-leg cheat animal. When Heidi catch, Heidi show no mercy! Heidi kill and tear, Heidi Alpha! But in right situation, Heidi work well with pack, no have to be Alpha even though Alpha. Heidi facilitator, ambassador of self-esteem who always make pack stronger! Heidi versatile.
Heidi great at digging!
Heidi almost six and in her prime.
Heidi fixed.
Heidi good dog.
Very, very good dog.
Important for employer to understand Heidi barking skills. Heidi bark like war bomb explosion! Heidi bark like dinner bowl falling from great height! Heidi never stop! Heidi provide first-rate security for all employment needs! Heidi smell and hear anything, then barkbarkbarkbark!! Heidi fierce, mother of dragons!
Heidi hate cats. No work with cats. Cats deal breaker for Heidi.
Heidi have good appetite. Try anything! Be very good food critic. Here sample of Heidi work:
“Meat lasagna good! Heidi eat fast and lick plate! Four star!”
“French fry limp and without texture. Hit all wrong notes for Heidi. Where meat?!”
(More samples available upon request.)
Heidi very committed to all projects she start and always see it through. Heidi once chase moth in den of two-leggers for three days until Heidi kill and eat moth. Heidi extraordinary bug hunter. Talk of reality TV show, Heidi: Bug Hunter!! but fell through because Heidi agent stupid two-leg with ugly face!!
Special Achievements:
Heidi won New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest and was featured on Cute Overload. Heidi capture and kill bat.
Hobbies and Interests:
Squeak toys, scavenging, religion, bugs and conspiracy theories.
References:
Rusty.
Banjo.
Rex.
Heidi not all bark no bite.
Heid bite and bark.
Heidi real deal.
You be crazy not to hire Heidi.
Heidi make your tail wag!
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