Me: Thanks so much for sitting down with me.
Jane: It’s my pleasure, jobs, justice and particularly climate change are the defining issues of our times, and with what little time I have left, I want to do all I can to bring attention to them.
Me: Of course, of course. Nice hat, by the way—I think it says, “Let’s Change The World Now!” At any rate, you said, “with what little time I have left,” how old are you?
Jane: I am 77 years-old, and fortunately I’m in good health and have lots of energy, so I’m very hopeful that I can keep using my celebrity to bring attention to these causes before it’s too late.
Me: My mother is 77 years-old and she doesn’t look anything like you. Practically a different species.
Jane: I’m sure your mother is a very, very lovely woman, although looking at you I’d think she was much older than 77. But anyway, I’m from Hollywood and I’ve had so much work done I’m practically a cyborg.
Me: Ha!! A sex-cyborg! That’s funny! I’d love to see a Jane Fonda sex-cyborg. I hope the Japanese invent one after you’re dead. But back to the interview. You can imagine how confusing it was for me growing up to have you on one hand, a hot star I wanted to have sex with, and my mother on the other hand– and both being the same age! Very mixed-up– still am, I guess!!
Jane: Well, I hope you got some help for that. That’s one of the good things about Canada, it has universal health care so that people with mental illnesses such as yourself, can be treated.
Me: I loved you in Barbarella. When you made that film, did you have any idea how many strip clubs in North America were going to name themselves Barbarella’s? There must be hundreds, probably thousands.
Jane: The sex industry is a very complicated one, but what is clear is that women should have the right to do what they want with their bodies, be it free choice, stripping or prostitution. We need to enact laws to protect and empower women so that they’re in control of their bodies and lives, treated fairly and in a safe environment.
Me: Okay, good point. This one is a three-parter: Is acting a form of prostitution? Does Hollywood treat women fairly? Do you have sex with all of your leading men, or women, such as the case may be?
Jane: Yes, I think that acting is a form of prostitution, and…
Me: I have never in all of my years been to a prostitute. Never had to pay for it.
Jane: As I was saying, Hollywood has a long, long way to go before men and women are treated equally, particularly older women. Once you hit a certain age, the roles just vanish and you become invisible!
Me: Which is why you’re at a rally in Canada instead of, saying, selling aerobics videos
or starring as a lawyer or sexy, mean matriarch in some movie. I get it. They say that women in Hollywood have a best before date, a point where they become unfuckable. Do you think you became unfuckable, and if so, at what point in your career? Maybe Stanley and Iris or Monster-in-Law?
Jane: (Gets up and leaves)
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“In this picture I was thinking about the colour of the car, how it was like the bottom of one of those above-ground swimming pools that the poor people put up in their backyards. I grew up with a real pool. We were rich. Pools are a good way of excluding people and creating pecking orders. The football guys liked to hangout at our pool, but without the pool, who knows? I was also wondering about all the sex that took place in that car. A lot, I bet.
“ In this photograph I was thinking about what it would feel like to shoot a monkey, the Ikea Monkey in particular. What was his name? Genesis? Something stupid. Anyway, ever since that monkey became a big media story I’ve been having fantasies about shooting it. Not sure why. It might be the little, gay coat that bugs me. It’s not natural that a boy monkey is dressed that way. “
“ Blow Jobs and the way that pets look at you funny when you’re having sex.”
“I don’t want to sound vain because I’m a man of the people, but I was thinking that I look good in hats. A lot of people say that you can measure a politician’s success by how natural and at ease he looks in different hats. (Don’t know what the policy is for chicks). I think a lot of my political success has to do with my ability to look good in a hat.
“ I probably should have been thinking about the owl, but I was deep in thought right there considering the works of Roman poet and philosopher Lucretious and his views on Epicurean principles and Atomism. I think that a lot of people misunderstand hedonism and I was trying to untangle that philosophical quandary and than suddenly I was like, “Oh fuck, an owl!”
has done his time on reality TV, served as a columnist for Vice Magazine, has been to jail, shares all his late night “inspirations” on Twitter and completely loves cars. In short, he is a 12 year-old boys idea of what the American dream could be, and for a moment that dream was to become mayor of Toronto.
Last week as Canseco was Tweeting his New Year’s resolutions, which included, “Fight Shaq in MMA cage match,” and “ help people getting screwed wherever I can,” he also enthused about running for mayor of Toronto—the city where he hit 46 home runs for the Blue Jays back in 1998. This was pretty much the best thing that I had ever come across on Twitter, and I immediately Tweeted back to Canseco in an effort to help.
@josecanseco: Don’t worry about any Citizenship issues in Toronto mayoral bid, I will gay marry you!
@josecanseco: But first you should try to become one of the Beauties on The Price is Right—they are now accepting men!
@josecanseco: It would make our union credible and be good PR!
@josecanseco: Secure the downtown Grinder vote.
@michaelmurrayca: Jose swings for the fences, not with other dudes!
@michaelmurrayca: I am having my people look into citizenship issues.
@josecanseco: But weren’t you in prison?
@michaelmurrayca: I called it Jose’s Castle, and I was in charge.
@josecanseco: Got it, I hear you!
@josecanseco: I have some campaign ideas for you, I am an idea factory!
@josecanseco: The Ikea Monkey will be your campaign signature, always standing on your flexed bicep– like a fetish.
@josecanseco: Open up Jarvis Bike Lane and make the Ikea Monkey municipal symbol.
@josecanseco: Ikea Monkey everywhere!
@michaelmurrayca: Ford too much trouble to be effective. Gotta fix budget, traffic, get new $ not from taxes, get more businesses, and help schools.
@josecanseco: The only thing that can help schools is a casino!
@josecanseco: A monkey themed casino!
@michaelmurrayca: I’m listening. Contact my assistant.
@josecanseco: And forget about Shaq, you must challenge mayor Rob Ford to an MMA fight. All proceeds to go to the monkey casino for the children!
@josecanseco: Ford is slow and easily confused.
@michaelmurrayca: I will throat punch him.
@josecanseco: He will die if you do that!!!
@josecanseco: Hey, did you ever have sex with Madonna? I bet she was pretty aggressive.
@michaelmurray: Just heard from my assistant and I can’t run for Toronto Mayor.
@michaelmurrayca: Will now just work harder on my anti-aging drink Ponce de Canseco.
@josecanseco: Nothing gonna keep you down! You are my hero. Can I have an autographed photo?
@josecanseco: You remind me a bit of Fred Flintstone, but in a good way!
