http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/toronto-tunnel-dug-by-2-men-as-man-cave-police-say-1.2978109

Ever since I was asked to leave my UFO Watchers club and Fantasy Hockey League, I’ve been kind of lost and having a really hard time filling my days. My wife Rachelle suggested that instead of just lying around watching Friends on Netflix all day, I get a hobby, and so I did.

Tunnel Diary: Day 1

The best thing about my Hobby Tunnel is that it really puts me in touch with nature. It’s really going to be more of a “Fun-nel” than a tunnel! It’s so nice being alone in the forest with my shovel. The trees are my friends and I think digging a hole in the middle of the woods is an absolutely great hobby! I mean, it’s fantastic exercise and inexpensive! And I’m not scared, cold or lonely at all. Nope, my mind never wanders to worst-case scenarios, and I doubt very much that the curious assemblage of twigs, branches, dismembered dolls and a candle over there has anything to do with satanic ritual. The wind probably just blew it there like that so it’s reaching out to me like a message, not an accident. Nature sure is funny!

Tomorrow I will bring my iPod.

Reminder: Make digging play list.

Tunnel Diary: Day 2

Bringing the dog with me as company and protection was an excellent idea. It’s nice to be able to spend some quality time with her and watch her do something that she really loves. It’s true, Dachshunds are amazing diggers and she’s scared away at least two squirrels! Good dog, Heidi, good dog!

It’s funny though, whenever she goes near the dead doll shrine at the big oak she starts to whimper. Actually, looks like there’s a new disfigured doll over there today, one with a little pet dog doll.

Reminder: Research satanic rituals and voodoo.

Tunnel Diary: Day 9

All I think about is the tunnel, about how when it’s done it will be exactly like a long, narrow grave for many squirrels. How many squirrels? That’s a good question. Maybe 300, but it depends on the squirrels.

The trees have voices. My iPod cannot drown out the tree voices. Some trees like to share bad thoughts.

Tunnel Diary: Day 18

Today I killed a squirrel that strayed too far into our territory. It was a cleansing. I suffocated it with a zip lock baggie I had left over after my snack. (All the shoveling and tunneling really works up an appetite) In the wild you must learn to use anything you can to defend yourself and complete your mission. My grave tunnel will fit 666 of such purified squirrels, the exact number the trees require, and then the mission shall come to darkness.

Reminder: Remember to pick up tetra pack of white wine for tonight’s Game’s Night.

There are three other apartments in the house, and as we’re still relatively new to the place, we’re not entirely sure how we get along with the other tenants. The couple downstairs complained about our dog and a party, the single man who lives upstairs will often come down and peevishly ask us to turn up the heat (we control the thermostat for the entire house, apparently) and the collection of interchangeable girls who live directly above us, well, we can’t discern a thing about them.

At any rate, we live in a densely populated area and when either Rachelle or I check the Wi-Fi status on our computers, there are typically about a dozen other ones visible. You know what I mean. They have names like, BELL902 or Dan98, stuff like that. The other day, while trying to figure out why downloading Game of Thrones was taking so long, we checked our connection speed and found that somebody had changed their Wi-Fi ID to:

YourDogBarksTooMuch.

Subtle.

It’s the sort of passive-aggressive thing that I despise.

Even though I don’t know exactly who did this, I’m now fighting back. Each day I change our Wi-Fi ID in an effort to communicate some sentiment, grievance or threat to our fellow tenants. What follows is a partial list of our ever-changing Wi-Fi ID’s:

HeidiTheDogSeeIntoYourBlackSoulAndBarkHerHate

LovesNewCrossBow

YourSexSoundsAreNauseating

YouAreAllSlutsAndYourLivesWillBeFailures

TakingUpVoodoo

DoNotWorryAboutTheSmellJustANewSpiceICookWith

SoStressedAtEndOfRopeSuchRage

FaggotBitch

DoNotGoOutWearingThat

YouHaveAFatAss

UnderQuarrantine

YouLookPaleAreYouFeelingOkay

IThinkYourCoughMightBeSerious

RedRumRedRum

TheGhostsInMyHeadScream

YourTattooIsSoBigAndStupidItLooksLikeACrossbowTarget