The team was stripped of federal protections for six of its trademarks, including that of their cheerleaders, the Redskinettes. Now this doesn’t mean that the team is going to have to change its name any time soon, but it is one more example of the ever-gathering disapproval that’s raining down upon them. Apologists can argue all they want about the true etymology of the word Redskin, or that the name is meant as an honorific rather than a slur, but it’s irrelevant.
The Native American community, a small and not particularly powerful minority in a vast and powerful nation, have made it clear that they find it an offensive racial pejorative, and that in and of itself should be sufficient motivation for Daniel Snyder, the white, billionaire owner of the team, to step into the world the rest of us live in, or at least the world we hope to live in, and change the name.
I have come up with a few suggestions, which I now offer:
1. The Washington Cherry Blossoms
2. The Washington Indigenous People
3. The Washington 1%
4. The Washington Spooks
5. The Beltway Snipers
6. The Washington House of Lies
7. The Washington Interns (Defensive line known as The Stained Blue Dress)
8. The Washington Anthrax Attack
9. The Washington Department of Doom (Defensive line known as Homeland Security)
10. The Washington Freedom Fighters
]]>Day 1
“Describe how you’re feeling right now.”
I feel good, like I’m ready to dominate. I’m in the zone, just like I was when I attended the Washington Redskins fantasy football camp as a kid. It makes me mad that people think that the name Redskins is somehow racist! It’s an honour to be a Redskin, not an insult! Jesus Christ!! It really burns me, that. Makes me want to punch something in the face really hard. Going to go do some lifting, channel my feelings into a “positive stream” instead of getting sucked into a “self-destructive negativity spiral.
Day 2, 2014
“Describe a recent situation where you felt the urge to take drugs or alcohol.”
“The Situation.”
At breakfast when my eggs were runny.
“Moods”
“1. What did you feel?”
“2. Rate each mood (0-100%)”
I felt really pissed off. I’m paying a shit-ton of good money to be in this facility and I’m not even an addict, so the least you could do is get the fucking eggs right! Is it that hard to scramble some eggs? Fuck! (100%)
I also felt frustrated, like one hundred fucking percent frustrated. Just make the goddamn eggs, okay? (120%!!)
“Automatic Thoughts”
“What was going through your mind just before you started to feel this way? Any other thoughts? Images?”
I was thinking that I was fucking hungry and looking forward to some eggs. In my mind, I saw fluffy eggs, cheesy, fluffy eggs and they were being served by a hot chick who was totally impressed that I was mayor of Toronto. We were going get messed-up and then have sex, maybe with one of her friends, too, and I was going to wear my Redskins football helmet. It was going to be totally awesome, and then I saw my cock-blocking brother Doug laughing at me in front of the chicks, and I couldn’t get it going, you know, and I then I got served some runny fucking eggs!
Day 3
“What are you looking forward to right now?”
I’m looking forward to my first rehab setback. That’s going to be fucking epic.
Day 4
“What is the most positive experience you’ve had through rehab so far?”
I’ve really gotten to look deeply into who Rob Ford is and I think I’ve achieved an inner peace, a tranquility, even, that I’ve never known except on the football field. I’ve learned that some days the eggs are runny, and that’s okay, you just have to deal with it. Also, I had sex with that lush real estate agent from Brampton.
Twice.
That was pretty awesome.
Need to get my suit dry cleaned though.
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