There was only one person in front of me in my checkout line, and behind her a small pile of groceries on the conveyor belt that I presumed belonged to somebody who had just gone off for a moment to grab a forgotten item. Just as the person in front of me was finishing, a woman came speeding into the line from around the corner. “Excuse me, “ she said, “those are my items there and I just had to run off and grab a few things, can I go ahead?” This is what I expected, and I told her it was okay. She pulled out her phone, made a call and started to unload a shopping cart that tuned out to be completely full. Talking about Vail on her cell, she leaned toward me and said, “ Actually, I have a little more than a few items,” and then she continued on about partying with Goldie and Kate at some resort.

Me: “ Well, you can’t do that.”

Mean Woman in Expensive and Stupid Hat: “You said I could.”

Me: “No, that was for a few items, not an entire cart. You can’t just use a banana and a few pumpkin seeds as a placeholder and then fill up an entire cart. That’s an awful thing to do. It’s immoral.“

Mean Woman in Expensive and Stupid Hat: “Jillian, I’ll have to call you back, there’s a dick here I have to deal with. (And then she hung up her phone and turned sternly toward me) It’s just a few items, lighten up, okay? Jesus, you must be a real pleasure to live with.”

Me: “Damn it, I am a pleasure to live with! I’m whimsical and my wife and I laugh a lot, I’m just not going to tolerate your entitled behaviour, okay?”

Mean Woman in Expensive and Stupid Hat: “Really, you laugh a lot? Sure, I bet you laugh while your wife just rolls her sad eyes, questioning all the crappy decisions that led her to this sorry place in life, as you continue to babble on about your day bullying women at the grocery store. “

Sutapa, the cashier: (Laughs)

Me: “Sutapa? Really? I thought for sure you’d be on my side!”

Sutapa: “I was just laughing at something that happened earlier in the day.”

Me: “You’re lying to me Sutapa, I can tell. “

Woman at the back of the line: “This drama is just making everything take longer, it’s exhausting, and now there’s bad karma all over the place. Will you two please just get it over with!”

Mean Woman in Expensive and Stupid Hat: “Bully.”

Me: First of all, I’m not a bully, expensive hat here is a bully, and doesn’t anybody care about justice? Is this the way you’d want your children to act? We can’t let her win!”

Woman at the back of the line: “Fuck, stop it! Just figure it out!”

Me: (To the woman at the back of the line) That, was a pretty big karma bomb you just dropped. (And then to the mean woman in the expensive and stupid hat) You want to see how much fun I am? How about we decide by Rock, Paper, Scissors?

Surprisingly, the mean woman in the stupid and expensive hat agreed to this. I won, utilizing the paper strategy, and I have to say, it was the smallest, saddest, most lonely victory of my life.

Q: Obviously commoners are not allowed to touch Royalty on account of our divine lineage. Sadly, many of the “people” are now ignorant of this and the protocol is often broken, but only at behest of the Royal, who may deem to shake a hand or pose with a commoner’s pet. However, recently, a nouveau riche commoner completely shattered protocol by putting his big, powerful, black arm around me. He was a large commoner, good stock, and covered in the intoxicating musk of the peasant, I felt so small and vulnerable yet protected within his embrace! I have to say, it stirred certain feelings and they’re scary! What should I do?

Confused Kate

Dear Confused:

Many Royals harbour secret desires to go “slumming,” and you shouldn’t be alarmed that this commoner has stirred such feelings in you. However, you must remember that serving your country is of cardinal importance, and that nothing, not even a new and thrilling lust, should get in the way of this holy duty! You must not let the public face of the Royal Family slip!!!

However, you should keep in mind that for millennia Royals have been fulfilling this need for “slumming” by indulging their fetishes in private, behind castle walls, using slaves, concubines and prostitutes. You have a vast and excellent staff working beneath you, utilize them! They will be only too happy to earn a shadow of your gratitude by corralling the vulnerable and desperate to serve as playthings for you! Don’t get hung-up on this one peasant, remember, they’re in limitless supply and completely disposable!

Q: Imagine that a great King was put in a situation where he had to impose a law on his people to prohibit sex for all between the ages of 9 and 18 in an attempt to quell the AIDS pandemic. It would be a wise and just law, no? The King loves his children and wishes to protect them! Imagine then, that this great King, much loved by his people, had 25 wives, and legions of “liphovela,” all trying to become pregnant by the great King in order to prove their fertility and become one of his official brides. If one of them was selected, as is the custom, during the topless virgin reed dance, and she was between the ages of 9 and 18, would the great King then be in conflict of interest?

Great King

Dear Great King:

You are not only above the law, you are the law, so the short answer to your question is a resounding NO! However, it is important for a great ruler to keep harmony amongst his people, lest they rebel, and so I would respectfully suggest that you compensate the family of this particular liphovela with a token bought from your great wealth, which must certainly be in excess of 200 million,  such as a cow, cell phone or Nutribullet. Easy-Peasy!

Day 1:

I am grateful that we are wealthy enough to hire a house cleaner.

I am grateful that Albina, our house cleaner, always changes from her street clothes into her work clothes in the living room. It’s provocative and edgy. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, it just shakes up the day, you know?

I am grateful for sharks, as they have starred in a lot of cool movies and television programming.

Day 2:

I am grateful that it is now socially acceptable for a man to carry a “murse” and not have to sit on his wallet all day. Sitting on a wallet is like having to sit on a Club Sandwich all day.

I am grateful that I am very athletic and am not a nerd.

I am grateful for the invention of yoga pants.

Day 3:

I am grateful for the TV show Nashville, which is fucking awesome.

I am grateful that I don’t have to read very much for my job.

I am grateful that we don’t live with a ghost in our apartment, that would really dampen the quality of our life, I think.

Day 4:

I am grateful that I am wealthy enough to buy prestigious clothes and look really good when I go out.

I am grateful that I am really, really popular, as I was in high school.

I am grateful for the good governance and fiscal responsibility that guides Canada as a nation.

Day 5:

I am grateful for the beautiful autumn leaves.

I am grateful that BB King is my uncle. I have learned a lot from him.

I am grateful for heating pads.

Day 6:

I am grateful for unexpected Scratch N’ Win victories!

I am grateful that the LCBO is just down the street.

I am grateful that none of my erotic selfies have been leaked to the public.

Day 7:

All praise and love to Jesus, our LORD and SAVIOUR! I am grateful to him for the abundant gifts he has given me. PRAISE!!

I am grateful for celebrities.

I am grateful for peanuts, particularly dry roasted peanuts.

I was left a little puzzled by it all, slightly dazzled, even. I understand how she had her arms full, particularly if she had aggressive dogs but still, it just seemed so presumptive and impersonal, like her life were an arrow around which the rest of the world– little more than white noise– must part.

I wondered if I might be like that, too. Recently, our dog, a Miniature Dachshund, had urgent back surgery. It’s a very expensive procedure, and the amount of money we spent on that could have been spent elsewhere. After all, there are people who can’t afford back surgery, who can’t afford AIDS medication or a place to live, but we chose to spend the money on our pet—a creature some might describe as a servant whose job is to love. Whether this was an ethical expenditure or not is something worth sitting down and thinking about, as we have, and whatever the arguments one might make, we were simply called to do so—it was an instinctive response to love.

I was rolling all of this over as we continued up the street, thinking about entitlements, privilege, exclusion and the monetary valuation of life, eventually coming across a homeless woman in front of the LCBO. She’s a woman I’m friendly with, and due to Heidi’s surgery we hadn’t been out in a few weeks, and this woman—to whom we could have given the money we spent on Heidi’s surgery– hadn’t seen us in quite a while. She was overjoyed to see us and it was as if she was some sort of saint placed there to address my doubts. She began to praise Heidi for her beauty and silky coat, telling me how happy it made whenever she saw us walking up the street. “It’s like a little beam of light shining into my day,” she said, “yes, aren’t you a little beam of light,” she continued, nuzzling her nose next to Heidi’s. And at that moment it began to snow, so soft and lovely, that it felt a blessing of the moment rather than an accident of nature.

***********************

Heidi just found out she adopted.

Not huge surprise to Heidi.

Pretty obvious, really. Heidi VERY fast and pretty and have four legs. Fraud parents VERY slow and homely and have two-legs. Heidi smell their lies miles away, that why she never obey them. Truth is Heidi very, very relieved to find out not blood-relatives, would bring great shame to Heidi if this pack her real family. But what throw Heidi for a loop is that she have brothers and sisters! Heidi sure she only one! But no, Heidi come from big litter and have two surviving brothers and one sister!  This blow Heidi mind! She thought she alone in universe!

Heidi eldest brother named Dolphin and live in Toronto.

Heidi no know why called Dolphin. VERY stupid name. Dolphin fish name, not dog name!! Heidi no want to see him for having such stupid name, but Heidi good dog, so she go anyway! Turns out he live with hippy in Kensington Market and have dread in fur! Retard dog who eat nothing but avocado! Heidi hate Dolphin! Think Dolphin have drug problem, too.

Heidi other brother named Angus and he live with old woman who drive around on scooter.  

Angus fat!!! Must weigh 40 pounds! He wheezes, can’t play fetch or jump on sofa and smell like infected squirrel! He disgusting!

Make Heidi wonder if her life could have turned out that sad. Then Angus tried to hump Heidi, so Heidi pin him and going to rip out throat when everybody start to yell, “NO HEIDI, NO, BAD DOG!!” Heidi bad dog? Heidi call bullshit on that! Heidi so grossed-out she lick herself for two days trying to get clean after meeting Angus! Rather be related to cats than my retard brothers!

Heidi sister named Helen and younger than Heidi, by two minutes or something stupid. Helen live in expensive part of town and go to country estate on weekends. Helen been to Japan. Big wow. Heidi have her own bowl for water.

Like Heidi, Helen very fast runner. Heidi hate to say it, but Helen good at fetch and digging. When Helen goes for walk with master’s servant, Helen wear little coat with weight in it so she stay in better shape. Eats nothing but organic tuna. Heidi think she very much hate Helen. Hate Helen more than Dolphin times Angus.

Helen live with other Dachshund named Hans. Helen say things like, “Oh Heidi, ignore the stats, a dog your age can still find love!” Heidi want to rip Helen face off and wear it as mask.

(Stoopid painting of Helen and Hans like they King and Queen of world.)

Heidi see Hans looking at her.

Heidi know what on Hans mind.

Heidi ready to accommodate Hans.

Heidi accommodate Hans right in front of stupid Helen!

Heidi hate dog family!