To: John Podesta

From: HRC

Subject: Locker Room Talk

John:

I think it is very humorous that your first name is slang for a person who consorts with prostitutes.

Emoticon!

HRC

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To: John Podesta

From: HRC

Subject: Re: Friends

John:

That’s a really hard question!

I hope they don’t ask that at one of the debates! But of course if they were going to do that we’d know in advance because we’re colluding with the media in order to fix this election!

Anyway, I think out of all of the characters on Friends I’m most like Monica. She’s very organized and competent, and I think I possess those qualities, too.

Bill is a complete Joey.

You’re Chandler.

HRC

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To: John Podesta

From: HRC

Subject: Manufacturing Jobs

John:

As I was reading about human mannerisms last night I began to drift off on account of my alcoholism and debilitating Parkinson’s Disease. It’s getting harder and harder to hide all my afflictions from the voting public! All I can say is thank God they’re so gullible, stupid and deplorable—they’ll believe anything!! LOL! Imagine if my country actually needed me to help them? I’d probably have just dozed off after taking my meds, and even if I were somehow awake, I bet my hand would be too shaky to even push the button!

The truth is I wish I were as vital and powerful as Vladimir Putin! Just saying his name sends a surge of blood to my old genital regions! Isn’t that ironic? I’m about to become President of the United States of Deploria and all I want to do is pleasure Vladimir Putin!

And kill him.

I want to kill him and pleasure him.

John, did you know that Bill and I had a “safe” phrase?

We did.

“Manufacturing Jobs.”

Bill shouted it out more than once.

I can’t wait to rule the world.

HRC

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To: John Podesta

From: HRC

Subject: Re: Favorite foods

John:

Thanks for the gnocchi recipe!

By the way, I tried the Trump brand steak, and I have to say—amazing! I had no idea a steak could be so delicious, so luxurious!

Really, everything that man touches turns to platinum!

HRC

PS: Hey, I was just thinking, imagine if the public knew that I killed a hooker with Bill back in 92! Boy, that would be a PR disaster! We really dodged a bullet there! And let me tell you, the crossbow, more than just being a truly excellent weapon, is also a real turn-on!