*******************************

Rachelle: No, it’s not.

Rachelle: I’m sorry Pickle, you’re wrong.

Rachelle: It’s not the Marie Keto diet.

Rachelle: There are two different things. The Keto diet where you eat steak, and Marie Kondo, a Japanese spirit who tidies apartments when you’re sleeping.

Rachelle: It’s an easy mistake to make.

Rachelle: I don’t know how you’re expected to keep up either!

Rachelle: The world moves quickly, it really does.

Rachelle: Did you drop Jones off at daycare?

Rachelle: “Only Jones and Hulk make the rules now?”

Rachelle: He said that to you when you asked him to put on his boots?

Rachelle: OMG, that is the funniest thing I have ever heard!

Rachelle: I’m not sure I’d want to live in a world like that, either.

Rachelle: Can you imagine?

Rachelle: There would just be SO MUCH SMASHING.

Rachelle: Marie Kondo should be part of the Hulk and Jones team, quietly tidying up after they raze city after city.

Rachelle: Really?

Rachelle: How is that sexist?

Rachelle: And disrespectful to Asian culture?

Rachelle: It just is? Is that all you’ve got???

Rachelle: Look, proclaiming that you’re tolerant of everything but intolerance is not an explanation for why you think I’m sexist and racist.

Rachelle: No it isn’t.

Rachelle: It doesn’t even really make sense.

Rachelle: Yes.

Rachelle: By extension you don’t really make sense either.

Rachelle: Yes, all your friends know that.

Rachelle: For a very long time now.

Rachelle: When you really get going we call it “Murrbling,” as in, “Man alive, was Michael ever Murrbling last night!”

Rachelle: I don’t have time right now, Pickle. My hockey game is about to start.

Rachelle: Okay, I’ll pick up some Jackson Triggs on the way back, and of course I’ll come home with my shield, or on it. They don’t call me the Blonde Volcano for nothing!

Rachelle: Love you, too, and don’t let Jones and the Hulk push you around. You make the rules!

Rachelle: Yes.

Rachelle: By that I did mean I make the rules. xo

A true family leader.

As such, I often find it necessary to call family meetings so that my wife Rachelle, and our nearly three year-old son, Jones, can discuss important issues as they arise. These are the minutes from a recent meeting:

*************************************************************************

Michael: Okay, Meeting #36 is now in order. On Friday we’ve been invited to Claire’s for dinner. However, it’s not a simple matter. There are options, so please listen carefully. We can go in the afternoon, with Jones, and have a swim then an early dinner, getting back in time for Jones’ bedtime, or we can go over later, without Jones, and have an adult meal. Concerns? Preferences? Please speak freely, this is a safe space.

Rachelle: Do you know where the corkscrew is?

Michael: Since when did we start buying wine that needed a corkscrew?

Jones: I WANT TO WATCH THE SCARY SKULLS!!

Michael: Jones, we are having a family meeting right now. You can watch a video later.

Jones: NO!!!

Rachelle: Found it! It was in your desk drawer. Amidst several corks.

Michael: Well, that’s odd.

Rachelle: Not if you’re a secret drinker, it’s not.

Michael: That’s a pretty big glass you’re pouring yourself.

Jones: SCARY SKULLS!! SCARY SKULLS! SCARY SKULLS!!

Michael: No Jones! We’re having a meeting here, and there will be no videos until we’ve come to a decision about dinner on Friday! Also, you get stigmata from watching too many videos. It’s very bad for your eyes, and you want to be able to see everything, just like the Falcon that soars in the sky above, right?

Jones: WANT TO SEE SCARY SKULLS!!

Michael: Sweet Jesus child, okay, okay, okay.

Rachelle: The optometrist said that by feeding him an excessive diet of videos in order to avoid responsible parenting and gain his approval you were putting him at risk for astigmatism, not stigmata. Stigmata is the spontaneous manifestation of marks on the body that correspond to Jesus’ crucifixion wounds,

while astigmatism is an eye problem.

Michael: Are you sure?

Rachelle: Yes.

Michael: Patricia Arquette. She was in a movie called Stigmata, wasn’t she? Now I remember! She was a hot hair dresser in that one.

Rachelle: Yes.

Michael: Remember the bath scene? She was having a bath and then some invisible demon seizes her and she’s trashing about like mad, kicking and flailing her arms, yet somehow, somehow you still don’t see anything? So unrealistic.

Rachelle: Yes, I thought the exact same thing. Stigmata, a movie about a sex bomb with demonic possession, was unrealistic because you never got to see the lead actress entirely naked.

Michael: Okay, let’s get back on track here. We have to figure out how we’re going to approach Friday.

Jones: Can I have strawberries, mommy? I want strawberries.

Rachelle: After dinner, sweetie.

Michael: What is for dinner anyway?

Rachelle: It was your turn to get it.

Michael: Oh. Right. Yeah, I was going to make a special rice and carrot thing in the Instant Pot.

Rachelle: We will all look forward to it, and by the way, I spoke with Claire and we’re going to go over around three, have a swim and a light snack, and then return home in time for Jones’ bedtime at 7:30.

Michael: Oh.

Michael: All in favour?

Michael: Okay, motion passes.

Michael: I think I read somewhere that the Instant Pot was dangerous, like a bomb, so maybe we can have Swiss Chalet instead. They’re offering crispy chicken as a featured item now. The Family Pak comes with pickles and dinner rolls. It’s a pretty solid deal.

The site enables people to trade all manner of goods, absolutely anything you have lying around or might want to cook. If somebody likes what you posted, they send you a message and the bartering begins.

This was my first post:

Posted by Michael Murray
Toronto Division

Genuine Sialkot Pro Field Hockey Stick

Made in India, this vintage field hockey stick is a real gem! Nicknamed “Sally,” it was used by high school Goddess Victoria Reid during the season that saw her team, The Lisgar Lancers, win the Ottawa city championship in 1983. Victoria scored a record 36 goals with Sally!

The stick, which feels solid and sure in the hands, is also rumoured to have been used as a murder weapon. So if you’re looking for a little bit of security around the house and are still unsure of guns, this is what you’re looking for, as the stick’s hooked nature guarantees that irregular and jagged wounds would be cut into any invader. I hate to give up this wonderful piece of history, but my wife insists, believing it to be cursed. Ha, ha. Let me assure you, Sally is not cursed, just brutally effective, as many squirrels and at least one homeless man rooting through our garbage for empty wine bottles can attest. It is also important to note that Sally never has conversations with me. I don’t get “different” around her, and you won’t get “different” around her either, just stronger, more violent and a little unpredictable!

All reasonable trade offers will be considered. #Sports #Hockey #Vintage #Murder #Weapon #ProbablyNotHaunted
Response from Dealer Dave
Toronto Division
Bullshit.

I don’t believe your story for one second, but I need something to use for my son’s birthday pinata and your field hockey stick sounds like it would work. I have a Chinese bootleg CD of the U2 album How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, would that work?

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

No, a crappy U2 CD will not do.

Do you have any wine?

Response from Dealer Dave
Toronto Division

No, I am not giving you wine for a piece of wood. I have a CD by the Tea Party, would you prefer that?

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

No deal!! Sally says no!!!

Response from Cindy84
Toronto Division

Your dog is super cute! I also like your carpet. Would you be willing to trade either one of those instead of the creepy stick? I have gift cards…
Response from Make$2000AWeekFromHome
Toronto Division

I’m impressed, I have to admit. Seldom do I come across a blog that’s both equally educative and interesting, and without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head. The problem is an issue that too few folks are speaking intelligently about. I’m very happy I found this during my search for something relating to this.
Response from Redrum
Toronto Division

Interested in the weapon.

Do you know what became of Victoria Reid?

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

Heard it was a suicide, but even after all these years there’s still a lot of controversy surrounding her death. Th CBC is said to be making a mini-series on it called, “The Possession of Victoria Reid.”

Sometimes she comes to me in my dreams.

Response from Redrum
Toronto Division

I work at a packing plant and have meat to trade. Lots of ground beef. One pound of ground beef for the weapon?

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

I’m worried about food safety. I got Listeria once and will not go through that again. Do you have any wine? Sally likes you and wants to serve you.

Response from Redrum
Toronto Division

I have a half-full box of Jackson Triggs Merlot.

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

Deal!

The first thing we came to understand is that you have to cede a lot of control and adapt to your baby rather than have your baby adapt to you. It’s also been important for us to discover that there are a billion different ways to raise a child, and any attempt at raising the child in a glittering, TV commercial kind of way is doomed. For instance, our Doula was an ex-cop who took smoke breaks throughout Rachelle’s labour, and shouted things like, “Push like there’s no goddamn tomorrow, push till you feel like you’re going to shit, then push ’til you feel like you’re going to shit and puke!” It wasn’t what we expected, but it worked.

When we found ourselves overwhelmed, disoriented and exhausted after the first week of being parents, we reached out for the help of a night nurse who would come in once a week and look after the baby while we slept. We found a man named Jim through an ad on Craig’s List. He had a super reasonable rate ($75 and a bottle of wine) and seemed very nice on the phone, so we thought we’d give him a try.

These are the notes he wrote for us (feeding time, amount fed, etcetera) when he was caring for Jones:

August, 23

11: 15 pm— James is a cute, little bugger. Sometimes when he’s sleeping it looks like he’s punching at somebody. Think he’s going to grow up to be fighter. We gotta give him a fighter nickname. I like “Little Fister,” but it’s your baby, so it’s your call!

11:45 pm—Had quick shower.

11: 50 pm—Crying like it’s the goddamned end of the world. Solution? Bottle. Four ounces of the good stuff. He loved it, just like a little wino. Got him to burp, then changed his diaper (Hoo, daddy!) and told him stories about the greatest hockey fights of all time until he fell asleep at about 12:30 am.

12:35 am—Didn’t see any cheese in the fridge. Not a big deal, but just thought I should let you know. Always good to have a lot of cheese in the house.

1:00 am—Now watching Netflix and completely into the totally awesome Deep Impact, which is a way better end-of-the-world flick than Armageddon. Can’t believe how young Leelee Sobieski is in it! She looks like a little child! Hard to believe she grew up to be a sex bomb. Not that long ago, somebody hacked into her cell phone and spread her “personal photos” all over the internet. Did you see them? Me neither. I’d never look at stolen material. (LOL!!)

2:00-2:30 am—Smoke Break: Left some Loggins and Messina on in the nursery to help calm little Jimbo. (Note: You have raccoons in your backyard)

2:45am—James crying. Fed him four ounces of milk, changed his diaper (just pee!) and then soothed him while watching the rest of Deep Impact. By the end, James had stopped crying and I’d started!

3:15 am—Put James to sleep. As a point of interest, this is the time in the Amityville Horror movie when the father killed his entire family while they slept. Always gives me the creeps this time. Weird thoughts.

3:20 am—Washed hands.

Rachelle, my wife, had to work and was unable to make it. These are the text messages that she sent me over the course of the evening:

*************************************

Rachelle: Pickle, tell me, how’s dinner going?

Rachelle: Really? You’re giving it a C minus, maybe a D?

Rachelle: That’s strange.

Rachelle: Really? You’ve lost a lot of respect for the family?

Rachelle: Did they call you out for bringing half a bottle of wine again?

Rachelle: You have to stop doing that. It’s embarrassing!

Rachelle: It is.

Rachelle: No, I’m not embarrassing, you’re embarrassing.

Rachelle: Oh, I think I know what happened.

Rachelle: What did you wear out?

Rachelle: You wore your black turtleneck and that jacket, didn’t you?

Rachelle: I know you think it makes you look like Carl Sagan.

Rachelle: I know.

Rachelle: But I still don’t understand why you think that’s a good thing.

Rachelle: Look, I don’t hate the cosmos.

Rachelle: Or space exploration.

Rachelle: Just bad clothes.

Rachelle: Now come on, just tell me what happened.

Rachelle: Oh, sweet Jesus that’s hilarious!!

Rachelle: So, just before everybody was about to start dinner, Marston said, “Edgy Pastor, would you please lead us in grace?”

Rachelle: I love that girl.

Rachelle: No, she’s not full of herself.

Rachelle: She’s so clever, and she’s right, when you wear that outfit you do look like an edgy Pastor.

Rachelle: Yes, you do.

Rachelle: Yes, like some white dad who’s going to rap Genesis or something.

Rachelle: Oh honey, I would never get in the way of your relationship with God!!

Rachelle: There’s more?

Rachelle: Hannah said, “It looks like a jacket you mother might have bought you.”

Rachelle: It’s like that girl is my daughter.

Rachelle: And then she added, “At a store called For Your Son.”

Rachelle: “For Your Adult Son.”

Rachelle: Oh Lord!!! Tears are streaming out of my eyes I am laughing so hard!

Rachelle: And then Marston said, “And she paid for it with a coupon she clipped from a newspaper?”

Rachelle: Oh Pickle, you really are defenceless in the face of those girls!

Rachelle: So what did you do?

Rachelle: Oh.

Rachelle: Do you think that was a good idea?

Rachelle: Well, it’s just if you’re always pretending to have an asthma attack, people might not be very responsive when you actually do, that’s all.

Rachelle: See? I told you!

Rachelle: That is just too funny, I love that they all held hands and prayed for the edgy Pastor during your fake asthma attack!

Rachelle: Did you end up saying grace?

Rachelle: Well, I think you should have embraced the persona and rapped it!

Rachelle: Yes, your life is nothing but a series of missed opportunities.

Rachelle: Oh, I’ve got to go, work calls!

Rachelle: Well, my edgy, little Pastor, I’ll see you in two hours, may you walk with the Lord!

It’s long been a dream of mine to play professional hockey, and this is a goal I’ve worked very hard to achieve. Unfortunately, I’ve never been quite good enough to make the grade, and as the years pass by my chances of making the NHL are rapidly diminishing. In an effort to remind the NHL GM’s and coaches who might still be looking for a character guy in the locker room, of just how committed I am to this dream, I am providing a short list of some of the things I’m willing to do to fulfill my dream of playing in the NHL.

I am perfectly willing to serve as a shutdown, 4^th line centre, instead of the natural, 1^st line scorer I am, if it gets me into the NHL faster.

I will continue with my figure skating lessons, trying to improve my balance and explosiveness on the ice in order to make me a better team player.

I would not hesitate to drop the gloves.

I will cut back on my shifts at David’s Tea in order to train more.

I would consent to wearing a suit and tie to and from the rink for every game.

I would kill a bird with a rock.

I would be willing to relocate.

If necessary, I would subordinate my natural leadership skills in order to better serve the team.

I will say no to hanging out with friends and going out to parties because I know I have to be up early the next morning to train.

I would have sex with Tom Hardy– even though I’m not gay or even remotely curious about what being gay might feel like– in order to prove how serious I am about playing in the NHL.

I would also have sex with Tom Hardy and Daniel Craig– even though I’m not gay or even remotely curious to know what it might feel like to be gay with two other stunning and sexy men– in order to prove how serious I am about playing in the NHL.

I would give up my participation in fantasy hockey in order to protect the integrity of the NHL and the great game of hockey.

I would take up hunting in order to better fit in with my peers.

I would consider giving up gluten.

I would also consider giving up Choir! Choir! Choir! in order to more fully dedicate myself to my dream of playing in the NHL.

Here is a selection of them:

Gravity’s Alec @AlecButModarn

Kanye has inspired me to start working on my novel again, thank you Kanye

Raymond Herrera @rayy_rayyy

I guess not working on my novel for a few days works for me cuz once I begin again I dominate!

shay cleckley @1educatedworld

Late night working on my novel. I’m determined to finish it this year. Full speed ahead.

??Mateus Ward Fan?? @schroer_schroer

Working on my novel “Fears Of The Unexpected.”

Jake Reinhardt @JakeRhino

I’m back in black. I’m working on my novel and nothing can stop me!

The Becoming Suchnez @FefeFatale

I’m so happy being at home that i’ve started working on my novel again. And I LOVE IT!!!!

Max is NOW! @maxisnow

Drinking white wine and working on my novel.

Jodz @ImAlwaysWriting

Working on my novel & the main character loves cemeteries lol its weird but i kinda understand her point of view

Kelli Stuart @kellistuart

Coffee, chocolate and writing. They go together so perfectly. Working on my #novel today.

? koda ? @kodasilly

really need to start working on my novel, I think I’m really onto something with this idea

Patrick Nathan @patricknathan

If each day could consist, as this one, of working on my novel and reading Proust…

JackyRobus @JackyRobus

Love technology! Working on my novel as I sit outside (in my car) during lunch break!

Cheryl CottrellSmith @CottrellSmithC

A bottle of red, a hot bath, and working on my novel until my man gets off work. Sounds like a fantastic start to the holiday.

Lauren Hardy @lauren_hardy

Working on my novel while the pizza bakes in the oven. #whataperfectnight

Natasha E. Neagle @agirlnamednat

Dishwasher repair man is here. I’m working on my novel. He wants to talk. I want to write. AAAHHHHHHH

Sean Hannifin @seanthebest

still working on my novel’s climax, a battle sequence… tricky to get the pacing right

Cassandra Hennessey @LiteraryWomen

I’m working on my novel “Stranded in Paradise” wherein a Goth Rock Star does a complete 180, risking fame and fortune.

Sierra Brown @SoulAlexis135

Currently working on my novel and listen to really nice music. Yeah I’m a writer deal with it.

Pierce Novak @piercenovak

Listening to metal and working on my novel. Must say I am enjoying both.

Sara Wynette @saradoodle_

Staying up late, listening to swing music, working on my novel. I don’t need a guy!!!

Haley Sudduth @haysudds

I’m planning on moving to London to open my own gluten free bakery, but at the moment I’m just kind of laying low and working on my novel.

Sharon @WriterPhotog76

work out was fantastic today! watching some CSI: Miami and working on my novel!

Amanda is a haunting. On every street I feel her presence, our shared past inhabiting the city like weather. I was sitting at the bar and I imagined that at any moment she might come striding in, the door swinging open and a fresh smile cutting across her face, and this expectation of the sudden, visual manifestation of my sorrow is the ghost I live with.

Beside me at this bar sat a woman with blonde hair. We were talking about whether it is a good thing or a bad thing to have a large family and there was a look in her eyes that I hope is not present in my own. She looked like she wanted to talk to someone, like she desperately needed to talk to someone. We chatted for nearly an hour, and when she got up to leave there was a pause. She was opening up a space where love might rush in, and strangers, we could have kissed forever in that field, but instead I said good-bye and turned away from, and she walked out the door, now just a little more brittle than when she had walked in.

Everything is punished when love falls away.

Colin

A moment later I passed a man of around 70. He was wearing a leather bomber jacket and wrap-around sunglasses, the sort of look a suburban 50 year-old dad with a rock n’ roll heart might sport at a concert. He sat alone on a patio eating an omelette and drinking a half-liter of white wine–somehow anachronistic, as if a postcard from another era. It was a perfect autumn day and he was unhurried, inhaling the sunlight and pretty girls walking by as if they were oxygen– the leaves turning purple and orange around him.

And from not far off, the sound of opera drifted unexpectedly through traffic. In a language imagined rather than understood, a woman’s voice, clear and controlled, rose and fell to a piano keeping pace. The music was coming through a church window, and upon hearing something so perfect in its accidental trajectory, I had to close my eyes and let the world become just that one thing.