I have been a huge fan of yours ever since Winter’s Bone. You are my Ozark Mountains, and our substantial difference in age, looks and talent does not make the purity of my affection creepy. It makes it real, and you Jennifer Lawrence are real. We should be together.
Michael Murray
Dear Jennifer:
I dreamed that you and I were walking along a beach together, holding hands. I was worried that a small sand crab might bite one of your bare feet, but you weren’t. “Hush now, my little turtle, “ you said, the salt air breezing through your hair.
Michael Murray
Dear Jennifer:
I saw you in The Hunger Games and I have to say, “I’m hungry for you!” Haha! No, that would be creepy and I’m not creepy. Would you come to my birthday party? If the answer is yes, please where a white dress in your next televised appearance, but black if it’s no.
Michael Murray
Dear Jennifer:
I consider myself a feminist and believe in equal rights for women. I just want you to know that. I would fight for your rights.
Michael Murray
PS: Anne Hathaway is a bitch
Dear Jennifer:
I think it’s really cool that you served as an assistant nurse at the summer camp your mother ran while growing up. I tell you, if I was attending that camp, I would have been sick with stomach problems all the time! You should star in a movie about a nurse who falls in love with an older hernia patient and then has a forbidden and torrid affair with him. I have some drawings and notes if you’d like to see them.
Michael Murray
PS: Please send an autographed photograph.
Dear Jennifer:
The other day I had a dream that some breed of super rats were attacking me. I was valiantly fighting them off, but there were too many of them and all I could feel were their horrible teeth and claws slashing at me. And then you came into the room and everything smelled like pumpkins and the rats vanished. Holding hands, we ran together into a forest, the sound of waterfalls in the distance.
Michael Murray
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These are a collection of Taliban Tweets:
The Taliban cannot tolerate biased media.
Too long have we been mocked and misunderstood.#Unclesamisunclean
8 puppets killed, 3 vehicles destroyed in Langham battle: bit.ly/XnJr2m
Victory! A Mujhadeed has seized a motorbike from the unholy invaders!
Invader General Petraeus should be shot by relatives from his mistress’s family or stoned to death.
Mondays always make me feel blue, and this cold is not helping. Sinuses clogged.
@Puppetobama what sort of man would kiss another?! It is unholy!
I do not like the rain. May it rain on America for an eternity!
An invading infidel walks into a market and asks for nuts and the patriot vendor says, “ We have no nuts, puppet!!”
The Taliban has enduring patience and long-term Jihadist strategies against the malicious plots of the enemy!
Mortars hit infidel invader camps. The Blood of our enemies flows: bit.lu?MoYr6h
I fear that one of my wives has fallen out of love with me. We used to laugh together so much, but now, never.
The Taliban will not abandon the struggle for freedom and will not pardon you until the withdrawal of your last soldier. #Unclesamisunclean
RT: America you are a Big Mac! Fat and greasy!
Taliban fun fact: The Pathans are notorious for family feuds, often the result of disputes over zar, zan or zamin – gold, women or land.
@anglinajolie You are a whore.
A woman is like having a flower. You water it and keep it at home for yourself to look at and smell. It is not supposed to be taken out of the house to be smelled. #truth
Landmines eliminate 2 US-nato tanks in Khan-e-Sheen district: bit.ly/SFi7oA
2 puppets of special-forces killed in bomb attack.
RT The Lakers have contacted Phil Jackson. He’s reportedly interested in the job. #WeWantPhil bit.ly/SWgLK8
@Amir Please feel free to DM me—bored at work.
Taliban shout-out to Aarif who proudly declared that he had killed seven male members of a Mahsud family for having insulted his wife, and so far only his brother had been killed in the revenge!
I wish Taylor Swift were one of my wives. I would cover her in the finest raiments and play for her the rubab.
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