*************************************************
From @realDonaldTrump:
Ron Glass died! Black guy on Barney Miller. Very fussy and wordy. Maybe gay. Easy to overlook. Just 71. Still in the prime of his life. Sad.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Florence Henderson died! America’s original MILF. Did I? Wouldn’t be classy to tell, but as Flo is dead– yes, many, many times. Once with Marcia, too.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Leonard Cohen died! Think it was a nut allergy. Might have to ban nuts. We’re losing too many of the good ones to them.#WarOnNuts!
From @realDonaldTrump:
I am in perfect health. No nut allergy. Can eat nuts by the handful. Shame about Crooked Hillary’s health. So very sick. Tired all the time. Crooked Hillary next to die?
From @realDonaldTrump:
Jose Fernandez died! Great, great pitcher for Miami. Un hombre sincero. Had box seats for his last start. Great service. Stunning waitresses. They love me in Florida.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Sharon Jones died! Pancreatic cancer. Nasty. I stand with the black people, who love me, love me so much, during this sad, sad time. I will fix your broken inner cities!!
From @realDonaldTrump:
Pat Harrington Jr. died! The janitor guy on One Day at a Time. Decent show. Maybe not the best. Preferred Three’s Company. Chrissy? She was a 9, for sure. Body and face.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Actress Suzanne Somers played Chrissy. Blonde and jiggly. I won’t lie to you, I had sex with her many times. So many times you wouldn’t believe.
From @realDonaldTrump:
One time we did it in the linen closet of a 5 star restaurant. She was a great piece of real estate, that lady. Outstanding. #WomenLoveMe.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Muhammad Ali died! Great showman. Brought lots of people and money into the casinos. Huge amounts. He got so shaky in the end, though. Sad.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Former Miss New Jersey Cara McCollum has died! Saw her naked more than once in the change room at the pageant. Body a solid 9. Face? Maybe a 7 on a good day. We mourn her passing.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Prince has died! He was never my thing. Straight or gay? Hard to tell. Always changing his brand. Very confusing for the consumer. Made him a bad businessman. #BuyTrumpBrandWater
From @realDonaldTrump:
David Bowie died! Had a glass eye. Was married to a Somalian supermodel. Guy was way out there. Tried to get him on Celebrity Apprentice but there were scheduling problems.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Gene Wilder died! Alzheimer’s Disease. Couldn’t remember a thing in the end. I am in perfect health. My mind is like a platinum trap. Ivy League educated. So, so very smart. #HighestPresidentialIQOfAllTime
From @realDonaldTrump:
Chyna has died! Drug overdose. I have never taken any drugs in my life. Unlike Crooked Hillary who is on HUGE amounts of meds. She’s all weak and shaky like Ali was before his death. Don’t think she has long.
From @realDonaldTrump:
Chyna was a great lady wrestler. Really tall. Kind of homely, but still able to turn a profit in porn. Gotta admire that.
Always thought Ivanka could dominate the industry if she chose.
]]>
Your Highness:
You ever have one of those days?
I was very nervous about meeting you, because I’ve never met anybody who was a direct descendent of God. That must be so cool. I come from a long line of sheep thieves who have always fled debt, not Gods. At any rate, I really wanted you (A GOD!!!) to like me, and in spite of taking an Ativan and drinking two glasses of wine before going to bed, I had trouble sleeping. When this happens I often listen to a calming CD of rainstorms, 
which is what I did, and to make a long story short I ended up sleeping through my alarm and missing my opportunity to meet you. I had my blue suit laid-out on my bed and everything.
I had studied you in a completely non-invasive and totally not creepy way, and was going to make some pretty dazzling conversation, I think. I honestly do believe that we would have become best friends, likely participating in the same fantasy sport’s pools, attending Illuminati meetings together, texting one another about Game of Thrones and partying on boats with supermodels.
The One percent rules!
Do people make a lot of Hamlet jokes to you?
I bet that they do.
People are stupid.
Ninety-nine percent of people, in fact.
The rich are not stupid–especially not the rich who are descended from Gods.
I see from Wikipedia that you married a commoner, run marathons, are an expert sailor, have been on expeditions to Mongolia and Greenland, have extensive military training and care about the environment. It’s pretty amazing how much we have in common, as I also care about the environment. I really can’t stand that every summer is getting more and more humid, and I have to say, if it weren’t for my AC, well, it would be pretty tough slogging.
Look, Your Highness, I really hope you can find it in your gracious heart to forgive me for sleeping in this morning and that we can still become the friends that God wants us to become. By means of apology, I would like to invite you and your commoner wife over for Game’s Night on Thursday. We play a Star Trek version of the Settler’s of Catan and it’s an awful lot of fun– some people even dress in character for it!
Looking forward to seeing you soon,
Michael Murray
]]>Here are a couple of book synopses that I’ve prepared for my publisher:
“Duke Miller and the mystery of the over-spiced and runny eggs.”
Duke, a young American food critic, is the sort of man who always knows where he’s going. He’s not afraid to send food back or say something that he believes about homosexuals, even if it’s not politically correct to do so. Duke, combining the brash individualism of the US with the delicate sophistication of Europe, travels the world reviewing restaurants with his constant companion, a miniature pot-bellied pig named Clipper.
In this introductory novel, Duke encounters a plate of over-spiced and runny eggs while on a trip in France, and investigates the mystery of how this happened. I do not want to give away the ending, but a flashlight plays a key role in solving the mystery!
“Duke Miller and that hostess from Montreal.”
In this transitional book, Duke investigates his romantic feelings for Audrey, an older, seductive hostess from a Montreal bistro. However, it turns out that Audrey is not really in love with Duke but just wants to secure a good review for her restaurant, something that Clipper cottons on to long before Duke. In the end, ‘Ce Coeur De Mien’ gets the review it deserves and Duke and Clipper are once again set on their happy, wandering ways.
“Duke Miller and the mystery of why the coffee tasted like jalapenos.”
Set in the exotic local of Cuba, this novel features a sub-plot of a resort worker—Freddy– who wishes to escape the terrible food and totalitarian regime of Cuba. Duke, investigating the mystery of the coffee, stumbles upon Freddy, who was being forced by a mean, tourist-hating chef to grind hot peppers into the coffee beverage served at the resort. Duke, shocked, agrees to help Freddy escape. Things go well until Duke discovers Freddy is a homosexual, at which point Duke’s morals will no longer permit him to help.
He couldn’t be stopped, his dick had to be seen.
Of course, politicians have long been engaged in reckless, sex scandal drenched behaviour. Vladimir Putin, President of Russia and robust anti-gay activist has actually been celebrated for his aggressive sexual posturing, with his PR team strategically releasing sex room chat transcripts to the public in an effort to bolster his macho image by “gay-baiting,” a practice common in Russia, a nation now dealing with the fallout from Putin’s new anti-gay laws.
Here is one of those transcripts:
Bear60: Tell me! What is it you are wearing!!
Twink23: Black leather chaps and a wife beater. Also, I’m hard.
Bear60: You must prove this to me! I demand it!! You are submissive!!
Bear60: Ha! I am not gay and now you have sent me a photograph of your hard penis!! The joke is on you, fag-boy!!
Twink23: I like it when you talk like that, you want some more, don’t you?
Bear60: It is a nice penis you have, strong. It is a shame you waste it on men and not women!
Twink23: I would waste it on you.
Bear60: Tell me Twink, what sort of men do you like? Do you like Russian men?
Twink23: Oh, you know I do. I love the HARD consonants of the language, I love everything HARD about Russians—their lives, their hands, their dark secrets.
Bear60: Maybe it is one of your homosexual fantasies to imagine sex with a powerful Russian man who was once a killer in the KGB!!?? Perhaps that excites you Twink23!?
Twink23: Tell me more, Bear, tell me more!
Bear60: This man, he would take you roughly because he hates that you have unnatural sex! And to show you his anger and disgust he would tear off all your clothes, and it would just be the two of you in the secluded barn that had been sheltering you from the storm! Because you are weak, you would demand to be punished sexually for the things you have done and the Russian Bear would humble you with great force and beauty, and then your skin would glisten and emit a satisfied and loving rosy hue!
Bear60: Ah, Twink, I see I have tricked you into sending me another abberant photograph of you! Ha, you are a fool, but I see you must workout! A lot. I also work out, for I am a very vigorous and heterosexual man. Do you know where it might be possible for me to trick a black homosexual into sending me a picture of his penis and muscles? Maybe the three of us could chat?
Whenever I hear it I think of Casablanca—the music is an inspiring pulse of light that surges through me and lifts me up, inspiring me to save Ingrid Bergman from the Nazis. I had always assumed that they lyrics would convey that noble simplicity, too, but it wasn’t until a friend read me the lyrics that I actually realized what they were saying.
I had no fucking idea.
The Anthem is crazy.
Here’s an excerpt:
“Do you hear, in the countryside,
The roar of those ferocious soldiers?
They’re coming right into your arms
To cut the throats of your sons and wives
And rape your mistresses!”
I started to look around at the lyrics of a number of other countries and this is some of what I found:
An excerpt from the Chinese National Anthem:
“Without resting day or night,
Follow the Principles.
Swear to be diligent, play the violin
And master mathematics!
With one heart and one virtue,
We carry through until the very end!”
Egypt:
“Egypt! Most precious gem,
A blaze on the brow of eternity!
O my homeland, be for ever free,
Until mummies walk the land!”
Japan:
“May your reign
Continue for a thousand,
Eight thousand,
One hundred thousand generations,
Until the pebbles
Grow into boulders
Lush with moss.”
Lithuania:
“Tiny Lithuania, as true as a bullet
That flies through the sky
To pierce our enemies heart!
Our homeland is mighty,
We fear no dangers!
Live forever and be happy,
Dear, sweet Lithuania!”
Mexico:
“War, war without quarter to any who dare!
War, war! Let the national banners
Be soaked in waves of blood.
War, war! In the mountain, in the valley,
Let the cannons thunder in horrid unison,
War, war, war, war, war, Mexico will always win!”
Brazil:
“Brazil, an intense dream, a vivid ray
Of love and hope that descends to earth.
Come closer she whispers in the night,
I am your lover and you mine,
Brazil, in thy luscious, smiling skies
And curvy hills,
Do I make my eternal love.”
Canada:
“Good governance, good governance
Shall lead us true and free!
Good governance, good governance,
Bonne gouvernance, bonne gouvernance,
Canada sera toujours tirer et marquer!”
Laos:
“The Lao people of all origins are equal
And will no longer allow imperialists
And traitors to harm them.
Landlocked we may be,
But united and determined, we need no shining sea!”
