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Me: Oh.
Me: I didn’t know you were getting a massage.
Me: I thought you were at the Dufferin Mall trying to improve our phone plans.
Me: Sure was off with that one!
Me: Well, I hope the massage is doing the trick, anyway!
Me: Awesome. You really do deserve to have a “tender yet forceful experience that lifts you out of your body and punishes you in all the right places.”
Me: What’s the masseuses name again? Yana? Didn’t she used to be a hot Russian long jumper before some sort of sex scandal?
Me: Pierre?
Me: He’s your masseuse?
Me: I thought he was your power skating coach.
Me: Both, eh? That’s a little weird.
Me: I see.
Me: He’s a renaissance man.
Me: I do too know what that means.
Me: It means he’s a douche.
Me: You know he lied about being in the NHL, eh?
Me: That’s something sacred, you don’t lie about stuff like that!
Me: Oh, he was in the German league then.
Me: Not. The. Same. Thing.
Me: Like playing in Peewee.
Me: I would dominate that stupid league.
Me: Whatever.
Me: Whatever.
Me: You did what?
Me: Look, my Fantasy Baseball Stats file is private.
Me: I have no idea why you found a bunch of racy photographs of Kristen Stewart in there.
Me: Not a clue.
Me: Maybe Jones put them there.
Me: Really? That’s the stupidest thing you ever heard?
Me: Look, I’m not stupid just because I failed math a bunch of times.
Me: Or French.
Me: Or any other subject!
Me: I’m Alt-Smart.
Me: No, it’s different than being “special.”
Me: You’re being a bully.
Me: You are not a safe space!
Me: Look, look, why are we fighting? It’s Christmas!
Me: Sure.
Me: Of course I’ve been doing my Christmas shopping!
Me: I’m no rookie.
Me: Practically done.
Me: You and Pierre wanted tickets to that Pentatonix concert, right?
Me: Or was it the travelling version of The Price is Right?
Me: Maybe I’ll get you two both!
Me: Yes.
Me: Wow, that would be great!
Me: I had no idea they made Kristen Stewart sex dolls!
Me: What do you mean, “That’s not what my Internet history says?”
Me: Well, I don’t know.
Me: Must have been some mistake.
Me: Maybe the baby sitter was looking up Kristen Stewart sex dolls? How would I know!?
Me: Also, maybe my account was hacked by a Russian?
Me: Well, I’m a pretty important writer.
Me: The Russians know that if they attribute something to me it will have great influence on the public.
Me: They’re smart, the Russians.
Me: You ever see them play hockey? So very clever!
Me: I did not think that Aleppo was a type of dog food two months ago!
Me: I’m pretty keyed in to world events. Always have been.
Me: I have always stood with Syria.
Me: Sure I did.
Me: I gave away that old bathroom scale to a Syrian refugee family.
Me: Well, yes.
Me: The organizer never did come to pick it up, but that’s on her!
Me: She’s the one who doesn’t care about Syrians, not me!
Me: I care about their weight, about how they adapt to the North American diet!
Me: Don’t want them to get diabetes!
Me: Sorry?
Me: Why did I text and interrupt your massage?
Me: I don’t remember.
Me: Oh, now I remember!
Me: If the last three women on the planet were you, Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence, I would choose you.
Me: Yes, I am very sweet.
Me: I love you, too, see you soon! xoxo
]]>Achieving one of the highest pollution ratings in the history of the planet last week, the city of Shanghai was almost completely enveloped by smog.
The skyline was obscured, schoolchildren were ordered to stay inside and all manner of commerce was suspended. This was a monumental, even apocalyptic kind of problem, but the government decided to use it as a rather cheerful opportunity to disseminate propaganda, pointing out that the smog was excellent for national defence as it acted as a kind of shield, discombobulating the navigational systems of enemy missiles. I present to you a short list of some of the messages the government passed along to the people in the hopes of quelling their anxiety and boosting their morale:
“Although criminals may think the smog conceals their actions from our surveillance cameras, the people of China will always do what is right!”
“Now free from the courageous bustle of industry, it is a lovely time to stroll the streets of Shanghai!”
‘It is important for the people of China to understand that the pollution we see in the air is definitely not living invisibly in the water, earth or food sources of our nation! China: United in safety!”
“The brownish, rank smog must know that the colour of Red China will never change!”
“Be indomitable in physical training to strengthen the physique, but please, not outdoors in peak smog hours!”
“The people must keep the birth rate low to defeat the smog! ”
“We are fortunate and blessed not to have a flu epidemic while the people fight smog!”
“The smog is our shield against aggressive capitalist imperialism!”
“It is good that Kanye cancelled his concert in Shanghai because of the smog for he is decadent and corrupt!”
“Like smog, the Gods of wealth can enter the home from everywhere if the worker is committed!”
“Chinese women’s volleyball, #1 the envy of the world!”
