These are the text messages that I received from my wife Rachelle about our 8 month-old son Jones the other day while I was waiting to see the doctor:
Rachelle: Pickle, I’m afraid we’re going to have to make some sacrifices in order to afford some help looking after Jones.
Rachelle: Well, I’ll be going back to work in the fall, and unless you think you can look after Jones on your own, we’re going to need somebody to help.
Rachelle: No, I’m positive.
Rachelle: I can’t take Jones in to work with me.
Rachelle: For a million fucking reasons, okay?
Rachelle: Look, I’ve crunched some numbers and you’re going to have to get rid of your subscription to the Baseball Channel
and stop ordering lunch from Uber Eats each day.
Rachelle: I am not “busting your balls.”
Rachelle: Yes, you probably will starve.
Rachelle: It will be tragic, especially after all you’ve gone through, but at least there will be Jones to carry on.
Rachelle: I’ll make sure he knows of his father’s sacrifice, how you stopped watching baseball 8 hours a day and eating restaurant lunches so that you could afford to pay somebody else to look after him.
Rachelle: Look, I’m not harsh, just a truth teller. You knew that when you married me.
Rachelle: I don’t understand.
Rachelle: What’s a “side hustle?”
Rachelle: Oh, so it’s like a job, but it’s usually illegal, and you only do it when you want?
Rachelle: Why yes, that does sound like a perfect solution to our problems! What will your side hustle be?
Rachelle: Ikea Furniture Builder???
Rachelle: So, you would go to homes and personally assemble their furniture??
Rachelle: That is my favourite thing ever.
Rachelle: Yes, it’s even better than naming a ship Boaty McBoat Face.
Rachelle: So, just curious, how would you get to these homes?
Rachelle: Uber, of course.
Rachelle: Imagine, if you had a driver’s license you could actually be an Uber driver!
Rachelle: Yes, if you passed the security screening.
Rachelle: I know you have a “past,” ran with a tough crowd in junior high. It’s that edge I love, Pickle.
Rachelle: But let’s get back to your side hustle. Once you get to your “client,” how would you assemble the furniture?
Rachelle: Yes, I’m sure you would figure it out. Lots of evidence to support that.
Rachelle: You have a very good mind for all things mechanical.
Rachelle: You did a beautiful job on the crib, for instance.
Rachelle: Yes, it was as much a sculpture as anything else. As you say, Living Art.
Rachelle: But look, you could just get a job, a job could be your “side-hustle.”
Rachelle: You could work in a food court or maybe a discount shoe store.
Rachelle: The Bulk Barn, maybe? You might get a deal on nuts, that would be a bonus!
Rachelle: I don’t think Blockbuster exists anymore, dear.
Rachelle: I know those were good times for you at “The Block.”
Rachelle: Everybody came for the Pickle Picks, I know. You were practically a star!
Rachelle: Yes my love, times have changed.