The Breakfast Club #2
As many of you will have heard, I have started a Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
This is an excerpt from our second episode:
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Me: Hey! Welcome back to The Breakfast Club with Heidi and Mike!!
Heidi: Heidi hungry! Where Heidi breakfast?
Me: We talked about this. You’re supposed to say, “We’re all bark AND all bite!” after I introduce the show.
Heidi: Heidi no say lame catch-phrase, Heidi never say lame catch-phrase! If Heidi in Breakfast Club, Heidi want breakfast!!
Me: Whatever.
Heidi: ( Growling sounds)
Me: Here’s a liver treat, okay? Now let’s just do this, dammit. Alright! Well, that sure was nice of Madonna to stop by to chat with us on her 60th birthday! She’s quite the woman!
Heidi: Madonna big influence on Heidi. Very big.
Me: What do you mean?
Heidi: Madonna help Heidi discover her feminine power. Help Heidi be sexually liberated.
Me: I have to say, I was really suprised to find out you’ve had more sexual partners that she has.
Heidi: Heidi very cute. Heidi always very cute, but Madonna help Heidi understand power of cuteness and unleash sex beast within. She gave Heidi Big Dick Energy.
Me: How many partners did you say you had?
Heidi: Heidi no say, but Heidi not finished. Heidi still counting.
Me: You have to respect that.
Heidi: Heidi Alpha. Pack always respect Alpha. Madonna understand. Pitiful four-eyed two-legger like you never know feeling of Alpha, never understand.
Me: Well, maybe we should move on.
Heidi: Heidi not saying Vanilla Ice. Not saying not Vanilla Ice.
Me: You had sex with Vanilla Ice???
Heidi: Heidi no say that.
Me: What are you saying?
Heidi: Heidi mysterious. Only see Heidi through glass darkly.
Me: Whatever.
Heidi: You stupid face.
Me: Personally, I thought Madonna was kind of dull and I was really suprised by how weak her handshake was! That’s what struck me the most. It was creepy.
Heidi: You creepy fart head!
Me: Moving on.
Heidi: Creepy fart face!!
Me: Moving on.
Heidi: Creepy fart brain!
Me: Bad dog!! Bad, bad dog!!!
Heidi: Ha! Heidi good dog! Heidi Alpha dog! You bad dog! You very bad dog!
Me: Whatever.
Heidi: You like when Heidi talk to you like this. Heidi know. She see history on laptop.
Me: I was researching Madonna for this interview.
Heidi: Not naked interview.
Me: ( Sigh)
Heidi: You no have Big Dick Energy. You have stinky fart face energy!
Me: ( More sighing, a few seconds pass) So, what’s your favourite Madonna song?
Heidi: Heidi like “Don’t Tell Me.”
Me: “Just Like A Prayer,” for me.
Heidi : Should be “Like A Virgin.”
Me: Okay, well it looks like we’ve run out of time, thank you all for tuning in to The Breakfast Club with Heidi and Mike!!
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“Don’t Tell Me” really is a good one. That, and “What It Feels Like For A Girl” are my favourites.
I think it’s a really sexy video. I vividly recall being at the dentist, having something utterly horrible and humiliating done to my teeth, and watching the “Don’t Tell Me” video on the tiny TV above me, and ridiculously, improbably, being turned on. That, I tell you, is some kind of power.
Strange for me to admit that the Madonna video which truly turned me on was … ‘Vogue’.