Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property wpdb::$categories is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/wp-db.php on line 760

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property wpdb::$post2cat is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/wp-db.php on line 760

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property wpdb::$link2cat is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/wp-db.php on line 760

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_FormTag::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/form-tag.php on line 396

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_FormTag::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/form-tag.php on line 388

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_FormTag::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/form-tag.php on line 382

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_FormTag::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/form-tag.php on line 400

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_Validation::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/validation.php on line 78

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_Validation::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/validation.php on line 72

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_Validation::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/validation.php on line 59

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_Validation::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/validation.php on line 82

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Block_Type::$skip_inner_blocks is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-block-type.php on line 357

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198
The Hater Mater | Welcome To The Magical Friendship Squad!
Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198
Skip to content

The Hater Mater

I am now in the App creation business.

My most recent invention is a dating service called Hater Mater, where people are paired based on the things they dislike rather than the things that they like.
This is the preliminary questionnaire I have written for people using the App:

1. On a scale of 0-10, how much do you hate the sky?

2. Please choose the stupidest fucking sign in the zodiac.

3. Order these celebrities in the sequence in which you would most want to see them surreally injured in a crossbow incident:


Amy Schumer
The Ikea Monkey
Ethan Hawke
The entire cast from Orange is the New Black
Eric Trump
Adam Driver and Terry Richardson

4. On a scale of 0-10, how much do you hate the ocean?

5. Which Margaret Atwood novel gives you the worst stabbing stomach pain?

6. What do you hate more, squirrels or birds? (Please elaborate)

7. Do your parents hate you more than you hate them, or do you hate them more than they hate you?

8. Is you best friend kind of an asshole?

9. Do you find chopsticks to be infuriating and stupid and pretentious?

10. Do you often find yourself fantasizing about making over-rated Canadian author Margaret Atwood cry?

11. Which part of this passage from a celebrated Margaret Atwood novel do you despise the most?

“Who are you? And I mean really. Who are you?”

My gut tells me that if I tell her right now, in this moment, it will not be well-received. “A friend,” I say, my gaze lowering to her lush mouth and lifting. “And the man who wants to kiss you. Really kiss you. Can I kiss you, Myla?”

“You’re asking?”

“Yes. I’m asking. After all you’ve been through-”

“He hasn’t destroyed me. He hasn’t beaten me and I don’t like that you think he has.”

“I don’t think he’s beaten you.”

“He hasn’t,” she insists. “I’m not giving him that power and damn it, you better not either by treating me like I’m broken and fragile. So kiss me if you’re going to kiss me or let me go, if you don’t want-”

I cup the back of her head, and slant my mouth over hers, my tongue sliding against hers, stroking, caressing, and the taste of her, one part hunger I welcome, but the other part, the torment, I intend to drive away. I deepen the kiss, my hand pressing beneath her tank top, finding warm, soft skin. My fingers splay over her rib cage, while my mind reminds me that no matter how big she talks, she wants this escape for a reason. She has been abused, used, hurt. “

12. “Everybody loves a parade,” true or false?

13. Is Real Estate for fools?

14. When you hear the word “Mindfulness” do you want to build an attack drone or buy a magic killing sword?

15. What do you hate more, having to use a sink or writing with a pen?

16. Which superhero would you most like to beat-up in a fight?

17. Do you hate it when people say, “Good Morning!”

18. Are relationships insanely unrealistic and entirely impossible?

19. On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you hate non-Spanish speaking people who pronounce Nicaragua as ‘Knee-ah-rah-hah?”

20. If you heard that Margaret Atwood opened a restaurant and that all the sandwiches were named after her poems, would you immediately vomit?


Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Query::$comments_by_type is deprecated in /home2/michafe9/public_html/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 1525
3 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jon Miller #

    Brilliant invention and perfectly timed for this era.

    June 22, 2017
  2. Rachel #

    Oh, Mister Murray. I am crying. Actually crying. Bless you.

    June 23, 2017
  3. Steffen Knippel #

    Where do I download this app?

    June 23, 2017

Leave a comment to Steffen Knippel Cancel reply

You may use basic HTML in your comments. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS