Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s Letter of Apology to Councilor Karen Stintz

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has allegedly gone to rehab after the most recent video of him smoking crack surfaced. His reckless, bullish life is skidding wildly out of control, taking city blocks with it like it was Godzilla’s tail. Those who have suffered in the wake of his over-sized appetites and furious insecurity are pretty much incalculable, but one person who will be forever changed by his words is Karen Stintz, a City Councillor who is running for Mayor. Ford, in a state of florid, oozing debauchery, said, “I’d like to fucking jam her.” Stintz may well have vomited and attempted some sort of disfiguring self-harm when she heard these words, as it’s such a vile, personal and intolerable formulation.

Ford, perhaps anticipating all of the apologies he’s going to have to make as part of his 12-step program, is said to have already written one to Stintz:

Dear Karen:

Geez, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for saying that I wanted to fucking jam you. It was inelegant of me, and you are a classy lady who deserves better. In fact, when I get back (I will have a tan and expect to have lost another 30 pounds) I would like to take you out for an elegant dinner at Splendido (Spendido!).

Just the two of us.

On me, not the city.

I can apologize in person and we can talk policy and then you could listen as I explain how business and government work. You are easily the most attractive of my opponents, and it wouldn’t bother me in the least to give a pretty lady like you a little help.

I think it would have been cool if we went to high school together. I was really good at sports, rich and quite a bit thinner than I am now, and I bet we would have gone out. Do you ever think about alternate universes? I do all the time. In one alternate universe I bet we’re together, in an open kind of relationship, and are political dynamos. In another alternate universe I live in California and spend a lot of time on the beach and in another I’m an MMA fighter.

But right now I’m confronting reality head-on. It’s what a man does.

Anyway, now that I’ve wrestled and vanquished my demons, it’s time to forget the past and move forward. I’ve survived a terrible disease now, showing a lot of courage in doing so, and I’m no longer going to be a victim to drug monkeys, the media or left-wing politics. I am going to be a new and improved Rob Ford, slimmer and more deserving of having an affair with a woman like you. I swear, you’re so pretty that you could be a figure skater or a hot sportscaster.

I really respect you, Karen and look forward to working with you in the future!

Cheers,

Rob Ford