Ike Davis is the 25 years old first baseman of the New York Mets. His father was a major league pitcher for over a decade, so not only does Ike have excellent athletic genes, but he also grew up rich.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s got great potential as a baseball player and as a family provider, and he also happens to be a cute Jewish boy. For a multitude of reasons this makes him one of the most eligible bachelors in NYC, and one of the women jumping on the Ike train is my friend Yael, who happens to love the Mets, live in Brooklyn and be a member of the Jewish faith. She has asked me if I would write a letter to Ike on her behalf, with the hope that I might be able to help arrange an everlasting and blissful union.<\/p>\n
<\/a><\/p>\n April 2, 2012<\/p>\n Dear Ike:<\/p>\n First of all, I want you to know what a big fan I am of yours. I am hoping that under the power of your bat my fantasy baseball team, A Fury of Pigeons, will claim the championship this year. You are the wind beneath our wings.<\/p>\n Of course, it\u2019s not just time for you to step up on the baseball field, but in your family life, too. You\u2019re not getting any younger, and as your past has reflected, you\u2019re injury prone. I mean, your ruggedly handsome face could easily be broken in half by a foul ball or you could acquire a disfiguring venereal disease from a groupie and then where would you be? You\u2019d be single and childless, Ike, single and childless. And then you\u2019d die. No heaven or anything. \u00a0And so, I would suggest to you that it\u2019s time to settle down with a nice Jewish girl.<\/p>\n Her name is Yael, and although she is older than you and has an unusual genetic condition that prevents her body from growing finger or toenails, she is an avid baseball fan and has dressed up as Mister Met for 13 Halloween\u2019s in a row.<\/p>\n