As many of you know, Toronto\u2019s fiscally conservative mayor Rob Ford struggles with his weight<\/p>\n

Back in January he launched a public campaign called The Cut The Waist Challenge, where he pledged to lose 50 of his 330 pounds in five months. It was a campy circus, this, with the mayor having public weigh-ins (sometimes with girls in lettuce bikinis!) each week and TV stations reporting on it as if it was a sports event. However, after a period of time the mayor stopped showing up for the weigh-ins, and then gave up on the entire project about month before it was to end.<\/p>\n

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You should know that I used to drink with Rob Ford back when he was a student at Carleton University in Ottawa. We were both last call regulars at a local bar and we became friendly in the way that only barflies bound by drinking can. The truth is that I don\u2019t think we ever had a sober conversation, but we bonded through this somehow, and even though we haven\u2019t seen one another in over 15 years, we still text one another when drinking alone. A kind of nostalgia, I guess.<\/p>\n

I hadn\u2019t heard from Rob in quite a long time, but on Friday, at 1:45 in the morning, he sent me a text.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Mur? You thare?<\/p>\n

Me: SLOBBER!!!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Cowabangle, dude!<\/p>\n

Me: How\u2019s it hanging, captain?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Straight and strong, straight and srtong!<\/p>\n

Me: What up, big dog?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Just watched Along Came Polly. Would totally do Jennifer Aniston!!!<\/p>\n

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Me: She\u2019d be a lucky woman.<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: I\u2019d be her fucking friend, if you know what I mean.<\/p>\n

Me: You\u2019d be a glamour couple, like the goddamn Kennedy\u2019s!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: I wonder what she smells like????<\/p>\n

Me: Suntan lotion and misspent money?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Ha! She smells like big government! Let me tel u, I would cut the hell out of her deficit!<\/p>\n

Me: Wacha drinking?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Gin, lotto gin tonight. On the patio throwing ashtrays at squirrels. You?<\/p>\n

Me: Playing Angry Birds and drinking rum. \u00a0I miss the old days, Slobber!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Me2, little buddy, me2.<\/p>\n

Me: ME2 sounds like a robot in a movie! Saw the Avengers the other day. Awesome!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: 3-D rules. I completely fucking relate to the Hulk!\u00a0 He my man!!<\/p>\n

Me: Puny humans bother Hulk! Hulk smash!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!<\/p>\n

Me: Hey, how\u2019s the weight-loss thing going?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!<\/p>\n

Me: Not so well?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!<\/p>\n

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Mayor Ford: You know what my favourite part of the Avengers was?<\/p>\n

Me: The smashing?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Yeah and Scarlett Johansson\u2019s ass. Love the 3ddee.<\/p>\n

Me: Aniston or Johansson?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: BOTH!!! HAHAAHAHAHA!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Fuck, I love gin.<\/p>\n

Me: Still get high?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Does a bull shit in a chinashop?<\/p>\n

Me: Why\u2019d you quit the weight-loss challenge?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Barbeque Season. Pulled fucking Pork.<\/p>\n

Me: What about austerity measures?<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Barbeque season ain\u2019t no time for austerity measures!<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Go Argos!!<\/p>\n

Me: YOU THE MAN!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: Lead, follow or get under the doggamn bus!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: HULK SMASH BUS!!<\/p>\n

Me: Testify!<\/p>\n

Mayor Ford: I think globarl warming is real. GEts hotter all thetime. Love ya little buddy! Dizzy bedtime.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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