Last night Rachelle had an ice hockey game at 9:00 pm. I expected she\u2019d be back by 10:30 or 11:00, but when I hadn\u2019t heard from her by midnight I decided to send her a text to find out what was up. What follows are her responses to my various messages:<\/p>\n

Yes, I\u2019m alive.<\/p>\n

????<\/p>\n

No, nobody is eating my face.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t believe me?<\/p>\n

You think the killer has my iPhone?<\/p>\n

Of course.<\/p>\n

If I was a face-eating killer I think I\u2019d stop to text with the victim\u2019s husband.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s only polite.<\/p>\n

You want me to prove I\u2019m myself?<\/p>\n

Ok.<\/p>\n

How would you like me to proceed?<\/p>\n

My favourite animal?<\/p>\n

OK.<\/p>\n

Satan.<\/p>\n

Yes, he is.<\/p>\n

How do you know Satan isn\u2019t an animal?<\/p>\n

They call him the Beast and in pictures he has horns.<\/p>\n

Is 2.<\/p>\n

Is 2.<\/p>\n

Another animal?<\/p>\n

I like baby sloths.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Your remind me of a baby sloth.<\/p>\n

Ok.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m glad you believe it\u2019s me.<\/p>\n

Why r u so spooked?<\/p>\n

Yes, the news is scary right now.<\/p>\n

Lots of weird murders.<\/p>\n

That Magnotta is a bad man.<\/p>\n

It is like the world is ending!<\/p>\n

Really?<\/p>\n

You think our downstairs neighbours are face-eaters?<\/p>\n

What do you think a face tastes like?<\/p>\n

If it tasted like chocolate, I might eat one.<\/p>\n

No!<\/p>\n

No!<\/p>\n

I am not going to eat your face!<\/p>\n

Or tear out your still beating heart.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have the zombie disease.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Alright, you devise your escape plans.<\/p>\n

I hope it involves a speedy boat!<\/p>\n

And maybe a giant bird.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not making fun of u.<\/p>\n

But be realistic.<\/p>\n

U don\u2019t have a driver\u2019s license.<\/p>\n

How r u going to escape the zombie apocalypse?<\/p>\n

Honestly, u\u2019d be the first they ate.<\/p>\n

I know you used to be good at sports.<\/p>\n

But that was a long time ago, honey.<\/p>\n

Zombies won\u2019t know about your \u201creputation.\u201d<\/p>\n

They just want to eat your face.<\/p>\n

You just bought a boat on-line?<\/p>\n

An inflatable raft?<\/p>\n

Yes, I\u2019m sure it was a good price.<\/p>\n

And that you will float to safety when the apocalypse comes.<\/p>\n

Can zombies swim?<\/p>\n

Well, maybe you should look into that.<\/p>\n

Yep.<\/p>\n

Yes, I bet they would post the video of your face being eaten on-line.<\/p>\n

No, not as an example.<\/p>\n

Just so they could admire their work.<\/p>\n

They\u2019d savor you, I bet.<\/p>\n

Well, they\u2019d probably come up from the basement where they\u2019ve been living.<\/p>\n

Through the open window where you have the AC.<\/p>\n

Is the AC on now?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not even hot.<\/p>\n

Jesus.<\/p>\n

You are a money waster!<\/p>\n

You\u2019re wasting money and making yourself vulnerable to zombie attack!<\/p>\n

Yes, they\u2019ll come through the open window!<\/p>\n

And you won\u2019t even hear them because of the AC racket!<\/p>\n

And then your face will be gone!<\/p>\n

Yeah.<\/p>\n

The dog probably licks your face just to clean it for the zombie attack.<\/p>\n

Gotta go now!<\/p>\n

C u soon.<\/p>\n

Just finishing a beer with the girls.<\/p>\n

Please cancel your boat order.<\/p>\n

xox<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last night Rachelle had an ice hockey game at 9:00 pm. I expected she\u2019d be back by 10:30 or 11:00, but when I hadn\u2019t heard from her by midnight I decided to send her a text to find out what was up. What follows are her responses to my various messages:<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2222,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[223,221,228,226,227,222,151,224,225,182,220,219,218],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2219"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2219"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2219\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2314,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2219\/revisions\/2314"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2222"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2219"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2219"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2219"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}