Rob Ford, Toronto\u2019s embattled Mayor, is a fiscal conservative with small eyes and big hands. He likes to drive immense cars, call-in to talk radio shows about football and policy, and go to the cottage and float in an inner tube. In spite of the fact that he\u2019s Mayor of Canada\u2019s largest city, he has a reputation for actually disliking urban culture and wanting to make the city more like a suburb. As such, he\u2019s been loath to join in with groups considered either elitist or marginalized, choosing instead the road of the \u201ccommon man\u201d he\u2019s always romanticized.<\/p>\n

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As many of you know, Rob Ford and I went to Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time and were last call drinking buddies. Although we\u2019ve never had a sober conversation, we developed a strange but resilient friendship, one that sees us communicate even to this day. Whenever one of us is drinking alone, we often go on-line to chat with one another, a sort of nostalgic slur back to the good old days.<\/p>\n

At about 3:00 am on Saturday, as Toronto\u2019s Nuit Blanche arts festival was winding down, I got this message from Rob:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Mayor: Her Mur, you there? You go to the French thing last night?<\/p>\n

Me: Rob! You mean Nuit Blanche?<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Yeah, the farts festival.<\/p>\n

Me: What were you doing there? You\u2019re not a fart fan!<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Who says?? BTFSPLK!!!! LOLOLO!! Hey, uever hit a raccoon with a rock?<\/p>\n

Me: Tried to, but always missed.<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Always threw like a girl, Murray! Honest to god, thought ur a fag until we went to that peeler together!<\/p>\n

Me: Juicy Lucy\u2019s.<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Loved that place. Wanted Sylvie so baaaddd!!!<\/p>\n

Me: What about the raccoon?<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Pegged it right in the head, thing fell off the fire escape. I was a goddamn hero, but the press never runs those stories.<\/p>\n

Me: Slobber, you should have been the quarterback.<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Always the QB inside, Mur, u know that.<\/p>\n

Me: So how was your night of arts?<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Fuckin\u2019 AWESOME!!!<\/p>\n

Me: What\u2019d ya see?<\/p>\n

The Mayor: My brother and I dressed up as Droogs from a Clockwork Orange!! Got hammered!<\/p>\n

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Me: You gotta always hide from the press, eh?<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Always wanted to be a Droog. Relate to the Droog. DROOOOOOGGG!!<\/p>\n

Me: DROOOOOGG!!<\/p>\n

The Mayor: We tipped over some shitter that some dick was in.<\/p>\n

Me: He crossed the wrong fucking Droogs!<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Ain\u2019t that the truth! Doug and I were yelling at some chick to show us her tits and then this fancy Charlie got all feminazi on us so we taught him a lesson.<\/p>\n

Me: You \u2018da Mayor!!<\/p>\n

The Mayor: Fuckin\u2019 right, little buddy. And let me tell you, if that pirate girl Justin Trudeau runs for Prime Minisiter, I\u2019m quitting this job and running against him. Show him what a real man smells like! Ford\u2019s Fist, Fucker, Ford\u2019s Fist. Outta Rye, catch ya later little buddy!<\/p>\n

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Rob Ford, Toronto\u2019s embattled Mayor, is a fiscal conservative with small eyes and big hands.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2723,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[712,665,713,129,721,722,325,332,710,715,716,717,723,709,333,718,708,77,50,711,714,38,720,464,719],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2719"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2719"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2719\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2811,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2719\/revisions\/2811"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2723"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2719"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2719"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2719"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}