My wife Rachelle and I were at a friend\u2019s cottage a few weeks ago. At one point during lunch I had to excuse myself from the group and head off to an outhouse that was about 25 yards from the main cabin.<\/p>\n

What follows are the text messages that I sent to Rachelle.<\/p>\n

*******************************************<\/p>\n

Me: Is Angus still gaying it up in there?<\/p>\n

Me: Can\u2019t believe he was married.<\/p>\n

Me: Really, who did he think he was fooling?<\/p>\n

Me: I could tell from the first time we went bowling that he was gay. Way too much follow through.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: Rachelle?<\/p>\n

Me: Rachelle?<\/p>\n

Me: Remember what our therapist said about you ignoring me?<\/p>\n

Me: I feel invalidated.<\/p>\n

Me: That\u2019s why I drink so much. You invalidate me.<\/p>\n

Me: Rachelle?<\/p>\n

Me: Door to outhouse seems to be locked.<\/p>\n

Me: Door is locked.<\/p>\n

Me: I AM TRAPPED IN THE OUTHOUSE!!!<\/p>\n

Me: HELP!!<\/p>\n

Me: I THINK THERE IS AN EVIL GHOST ON THE ISLAND!!<\/p>\n

Me: IT LOCKS PEOPLE IN OUTHOUSES AND WATCHES AS THEY GO INSANE AND DIE OF HEART ATTACKS!!<\/p>\n

ME: IT\u2019S PROBABY AN INDIAN GHOST MAD ABOUT US STEALING LAND!!<\/p>\n

Me: I HATE EVIL GHOSTS!!!<\/p>\n

Me: Must calm down and breathe deeply.<\/p>\n

Me: Sweet Jesus!<\/p>\n

Me: Breathing deeply was a very bad idea.<\/p>\n

Me: Now very dizzy. Could vomit.<\/p>\n

Me: Must be 1000 degrees in this coffin.<\/p>\n

Me: Fuck global warming.<\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019m going to bang on the door and yell.<\/p>\n

Me: Listen for me!<\/p>\n

Me: Dizzy again, now with splinters.<\/p>\n

Me: Pretty sure I\u2019m going to die here.<\/p>\n

Me: In my poo coffin.<\/p>\n

Me: Amazing how strong outhouse is and how weak I am.<\/p>\n

Me: Feel like a girl.<\/p>\n

Me: Going to die feeling like a girl.<\/p>\n

Me: Going to die never having seen a UFO or discovered my spirit guide.<\/p>\n

Me: Never got to go to Japan.<\/p>\n

Me: So sorry I never got to take you to kinky Japan.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: I love you Rachelle.<\/p>\n

Me: I loved you with everything I had.<\/p>\n

Me: Never really cheated on you.<\/p>\n

Me: I want you to go on and live a beautiful life without me– like that speech in Titanic.<\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019m Jack and you\u2019re Rose.<\/p>\n

Me: Watch that and think of me swimming around in the water.<\/p>\n

Me: But DO NOT hook-up with Armand.<\/p>\n

Me: Yeah, don\u2019t think I don\u2019t notice the way you light up around him.<\/p>\n

Me: Armand. Stupid name.<\/p>\n

Me: Like a perfume.<\/p>\n

Me: How could you like him???<\/p>\n

Me: Would haunt the hell out of you if you hooked-up with him.<\/p>\n

Me: HE IS A DICK.<\/p>\n

Me: Getting darker in here.<\/p>\n

Me: Oxygen must be getting low.<\/p>\n

Me: Don\u2019t know how much longer can last.<\/p>\n

Me: Would like Sigur Ros played at my funeral and that scene from Armageddon when Bruce Willis is saying good-bye from space projected as backdrop.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: My love, you were always the best part of me.<\/p>\n

Me: I will be with you always.<\/p>\n

Me: You were my everything.<\/p>\n

Me: Waiting now for the chariot to swing low.<\/p>\n

Me: When the light comes for me I will go to it.<\/p>\n

Me: I am ready.<\/p>\n

Me: NO!!!<\/p>\n

Me: I will fight for you!<\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019m not going to give up!!<\/p>\n

Me: Splinters be damned!!<\/p>\n

Me: Oh.<\/p>\n

Me: Just spotted little clasp under handle.<\/p>\n

Me: WOW!!<\/p>\n

Me: The clasp releases the external lock!!<\/p>\n

Me: The world is an explosion of sunlight!<\/p>\n

Me: Electrolytes dangerously low, but will stagger to cottage.<\/p>\n

Me: Realize how precious life is now.<\/p>\n

Me: Hate abortion!<\/p>\n

Me: Just stubbed toe on rock!<\/p>\n

Me: Hate abortion, rocks and global warming!<\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019m coming for you, my love, I\u2019m coming.<\/p>\n

Me: If you get this, please save croissant for me, feeling peaked.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My wife Rachelle and I were at a friend\u2019s cottage a few weeks ago.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2730,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[729,734,138,724,177,276,728,585,726,581,732,281,53,731,151,69,725,482,727,730,50,735,733],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2726"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2726"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2726\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2732,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2726\/revisions\/2732"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2730"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2726"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2726"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2726"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}