Today I have given the Blog over to Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.<\/p>\n

***********************<\/p>\n

Heidi just found out she adopted.<\/p>\n

Not huge surprise to Heidi.<\/p>\n

Pretty obvious, really. Heidi VERY fast and pretty and have four legs. Fraud parents VERY slow and homely and have two-legs. Heidi smell their lies miles away, that why she never obey them. Truth is Heidi very, very relieved to find out not blood-relatives, would bring great shame to Heidi if this pack her real family. But what throw Heidi for a loop is that she have brothers and sisters! Heidi sure she only one! But no, Heidi come from big litter and have two surviving brothers and one sister! \u00a0This blow Heidi mind! She thought she alone in universe!<\/p>\n

Heidi eldest brother named Dolphin and live in Toronto.<\/p>\n

Heidi no know why called Dolphin. VERY stupid name. Dolphin fish name, not dog name!! Heidi no want to see him for having such stupid name, but Heidi good dog, so she go anyway! Turns out he live with hippy in Kensington Market and have dread in fur! Retard dog who eat nothing but avocado! Heidi hate Dolphin! Think Dolphin have drug problem, too.<\/p>\n

Heidi other brother named Angus and he live with old woman who drive around on scooter. \u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n

Angus fat!!! Must weigh 40 pounds! He wheezes, can\u2019t play fetch or jump on sofa and smell like infected squirrel! He disgusting!<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Make Heidi wonder if her life could have turned out that sad. Then Angus tried to hump Heidi, so Heidi pin him and going to rip out throat when everybody start to yell, \u201cNO HEIDI, NO, BAD DOG!!\u201d Heidi bad dog? Heidi call bullshit on that! Heidi so grossed-out she lick herself for two days trying to get clean after meeting Angus! Rather be related to cats than my retard brothers!<\/p>\n

Heidi sister named Helen and younger than Heidi, by two minutes or something stupid. Helen live in expensive part of town and go to country estate on weekends. Helen been to Japan. Big wow. Heidi have her own bowl for water.<\/p>\n

Like Heidi, Helen very fast runner. Heidi hate to say it, but Helen good at fetch and digging. When Helen goes for walk with master\u2019s servant, Helen wear little coat with weight in it so she stay in better shape. Eats nothing but organic tuna. Heidi think she very much hate Helen. Hate Helen more than Dolphin times Angus.<\/p>\n

Helen live with other Dachshund named Hans. Helen say things like, \u201cOh Heidi, ignore the stats, a dog your age can still find love!\u201d Heidi want to rip Helen face off and wear it as mask.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

(Stoopid painting of Helen and Hans like they King and Queen of world.)<\/p>\n

Heidi see Hans looking at her.<\/p>\n

Heidi know what on Hans mind.<\/p>\n

Heidi ready to accommodate Hans.<\/p>\n

Heidi accommodate Hans right in front of stupid Helen!<\/p>\n

Heidi hate dog family!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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