On Wednesday morning I went to have a physical assessment in preparation for a 30-week fitness course I am about to take. These are the text messages that I sent to Rachelle while this was taking place:<\/p>\n

Me: Kind of scared.<\/p>\n

Me: Kind of very scared.<\/p>\n

Me: What if there\u2019s a rope?<\/p>\n

Me: I can just imagine it hanging from the ceiling.<\/p>\n

Me: Swaying ominously.<\/p>\n

Me: They\u2019ll force me to climb up it.<\/p>\n

Me: There might be a rope!!<\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019m not overreacting.<\/p>\n

Me: Look, I know it\u2019s not grade 4 gym class.<\/p>\n

Me: No, I\u2019m not expecting dodge ball.<\/p>\n

Me: It would be nice if you were supportive rather than sarcastic.<\/p>\n

Me: I don\u2019t have dodge ball nightmares.<\/p>\n

Me: Not anymore.<\/p>\n

Me: Fartmares.<\/p>\n

Me: Very funny.<\/p>\n

Me: No, I\u2019m not going to ask them if they can do anything about my \u201cgas problem.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: Because there is no gas problem.<\/p>\n

Me: My trainer?<\/p>\n

Me: Her name is Laetitia.<\/p>\n

Me: She\u2019s French, France French.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: She thinks I\u2019m really funny.<\/p>\n

Me: No, funny ha-ha.<\/p>\n

Me: Cute accent.<\/p>\n

Me: She really loves the anchor tattoo on my hand. It reminds her of Marseille.<\/p>\n

Me: I know it was a commitment tattoo I got with you, but I can\u2019t help it if other women find it attractive.<\/p>\n

Me: My hands don\u2019t look old.<\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019d say they look like they belong on a 25 year-old man.<\/p>\n

Me: She\u2019s going to test my grip.<\/p>\n

Me: No, not my grip on reality.<\/p>\n

Me: Man alive!<\/p>\n

Me: My right hand has like a GI Joe Super Kung Fu grip!!<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: Laetitia is really impressed! Gave me a hug!!<\/p>\n

Me: Oh, you know the French.<\/p>\n

Me: They\u2019re like that.<\/p>\n

Me: Yes, whorish.<\/p>\n

Me: Such beguiling giggles, too.<\/p>\n

Me: Are you going to your girl\u2019s night out Salsa Dance Slut thing again tonight?<\/p>\n

Me: Your sisters are a very bad influence on you.<\/p>\n

Me: Alejandro.<\/p>\n

Me: No, I don\u2019t want him coming to my birthday party.<\/p>\n

Me: I just don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Me: I don\u2019t want to talk about it.<\/p>\n

Me: I don\u2019t care if the therapist said I have to communicate more.<\/p>\n

Me: All right.<\/p>\n

Me: I communicate that I hate Alejandro.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: Well, didn\u2019t he poke somebody in the back with his boner while dancing????<\/p>\n

Me: I can\u2019t do this now, I have to prepare for my next test.<\/p>\n

Me: Mentally. I have to get in the zone.<\/p>\n

Me: I want Alejandro out of the zone!!<\/p>\n

Me: The next test?<\/p>\n

Me: I have to walk briskly for the next six minutes.<\/p>\n

Me: Yes.<\/p>\n

Me: Well, why wouldn\u2019t I take off my shirt?<\/p>\n

Me: The French are used to that sort of thing.<\/p>\n

Me: And I\u2019m going to get a good sweat on.<\/p>\n

Me: Oh.<\/p>\n

Me: Apparently the equipment works better if I keep my shirt on.<\/p>\n

Me: No.<\/p>\n

Me: I don\u2019t see any equipment.<\/p>\n

Me: I think Laetitia might be a drunk.<\/p>\n

Me: She\u2019s all worried about me texting when I do the brisk walk test thing.<\/p>\n

Me: Thinks I might walk into a wall or something.<\/p>\n

Me: As if.<\/p>\n

Me: Hate Laetitia and her bad skin.<\/p>\n

Me: Glad I\u2019ve never been to France.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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