The city of Toronto just recently received two giant pandas from China\u2014named Er Shun and Da Mao\u2014who will be on loan at the city zoo for the next five years. It\u2019s been a stupidly big political event, and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was asked about the pandas toward the end of a gala fundraiser for the Football For Freedom charity.<\/p>\n

What follows is Rob Ford\u2019s response:<\/p>\n

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\u201cThe pandas? What do I think of the pandas? I think I goddamn love pandas!! (Takes reporter and places him in genial headlock while giving him a Noogie.) Ah, just fudging around, look, to be serious with ya for a second though, I got to say that I\u2019ve always related to the panda. They\u2019re big, strong and fiercely committed to their people, just like football players.<\/p>\n

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And you know, they\u2019ve always got the eye black on, so you just know that they\u2019re ready to go into battle. I\u2019d be proud to go into battle with an army of pandas, and Jesus, if I had a team of football playing pandas we\u2019d be as undefeatable as the free market! Just think about it. We wouldn\u2019t lose a single game. Not. A. Single. Fucking. One.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I have to give props to our communist Chinese friends for loaning us these pandas and letting them live in freedom for a few years. Hopefully, once the pandas get a taste for the independent, small government, big city dynamo that is Toronto– it\u2019ll really get them turned-on. Guns \u2018N\u2019 Roses turned-on. Toronto is like an awesome guitar solo, you know? \u00a0Toronto will make the pandas hot, really hot, feeling all sexy like they’re watching a yoga class! \u00a0Does it to me everyday. The city girl make me hot, man, hot, sweaty hot. But Geez, it\u2019s hard to imagine that pandas don\u2019t like sex, but it\u2019s a fact of science. Weird, that. So it\u2019s my hope that Er Shawn is like the Jennifer Aniston of pandas and Dammy can\u2019t keep his paws off of her. It\u2019ll be Panda Time all the time, and we\u2019ll become an industry leader in panda breeding. That means more jobs. More jobs for people who never even dreamed that they might one day get to see panda sex. (High-five)<\/p>\n

Toronto is the city, stinkin’ rich in Asian culture and with a great Chinatown full of real cheap eats (and a spitting problem that I will take care of) where dreams can come true.\u00a0 We\u2019ll be known as panda city and we\u2019ll have those little warrior bears all over the place! It\u2019ll be so cute it\u2019ll make you barf, and listen, I bet you my bottom dollar, that when my fucking downtown fucking casino opens, that the whores will be two for one and that all those baby pandas will clean up the raccoon problem that has plagued this city for years! If I, or any of my constituents have raccoon shit in their eaves troughs again, the whole frigging species is going get it. Raccoons, consider yourself on watch because Rob Ford and the pandas have a plan, and you aren\u2019t in that plan.<\/p>\n

And you know, this might sound all freaky or something, but I\u2019ve had a lot of funny dreams involving pandas. Can\u2019t quite explain it. I once wore a panda mask on Chat Roulette, didn’t even know why. Saw the video after the fact. Anyway, seems like fate that my city is going to be the city of panda sex–wild, eh? ”<\/p>\n

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