A Netherlands-based group called Mars One is now accepting applications from intrepid earthlings who want to go forth and colonize Mars. It\u2019s an expensive and complicated venture, and as such, people will be provided with passage only to Mars and not back. Further, in an effort to help finance the ambitious mission, Mars One is planning on creating a reality TV show out of the whole thing. It\u2019s kind of like Lord of the Flies<\/i> meets Big Brother, only in outer space.<\/p>\n

As it turns out, Rob Ford, Toronto\u2019s embattled, fiscally conservative, crack-smoking mayor is amongst those who have applied for this one-way ticket to the future.<\/p>\n

This is his application.<\/p>\n

Tell us a little about yourself:<\/p>\n

My name is Rob Ford and I\u2019m still mayor of Toronto, one of North America\u2019s largest cities and greatest sport\u2019s towns!! You might have heard of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the CN Tower or maybe some lies that the media made up about me. We\u2019re pretty big-city here.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I\u2019m an alpha male, big and powerful, like a lumberjack or a white football player who ferociously protects his QB; loyal, not stubborn. I\u2019m a straight-shooting son of gun who tells it like it is, and I like to have a good time. Let me tell you, you\u2019ll always know when the Big Dog is in the house because there\u2019ll never be a dull or non-confrontational moment! I will bring the energy and flat-out RAWK the Martian Mansion! I am a walking exclamation point!!! Think Snooki times six!<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m also straight. The idea of guys kissing grosses me out. They can do what they want underground or wherever, but when it\u2019s in front of me, I need them to show some respect.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m really into the ladies, am likely still able to father children and would be totally open to any romantic entanglements that might develop on Mars. I think everybody should have a shot at love, even if it\u2019s on a different planet far away from your wife that you\u2019ve been married to for a like a billion years. Personally, I like blondes the best, blondes like Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager and Jessica Simpson. Hell, I don\u2019t care that Jessica Simpson went out and put on some weight from drinking and having a baby! She was under a lot of stress, which I completely and totally understand, so if Jessie put on a few, big whoop, it just means there\u2019s more for me!<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Favourite movie: \u00a0A Clockwork Orange<\/i><\/p>\n

Favourite city: Chicago<\/p>\n

Favourite band: Triumph<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tell us why you\u2019d like to go to Mars:<\/p>\n

My favourite colour is red. LOL!! I\u2019m just kidding. (I have a really good sense of humour and could really boost the spirits of the other pioneers, and keep our massive viewing audience laughing.)<\/p>\n

But seriously, Commander Chris Hadfield, the Canadian who was up in the International Space Station Tweeting back to earth, has inspired me to want to become an astronaut. I could totally do what he did.<\/p>\n

Here are some of my sample Tweets:<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom space, Chicago is an intricate tapestry of partying lights.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho let the dogs out? Rob! Rob! Rob!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe Earth, small and blue and beautiful in eternal, floating silence.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cQuietly, like a night bird, floating, soaring, wingless, I can blot you out with my thumb.\u201d<\/p>\n

Anyway, Hadfield is like a saint around here and can\u2019t do anything wrong. The media, who tell lies about me and hunt me like I was a big, beautiful wild animal, think that everything he does is right and everything that I do sucks and instantly turns to crap. They\u2019re trying to tackle me, the media, and that\u2019s not fair. Earth people are negative all the time, and just don\u2019t get Rob Ford. I think I\u2019d like to get off this little blue bean and take on the challenge of colonizing a new, media-free planet.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not scared to kill things with my hands if that\u2019s what it takes to live on Mars.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

If I can quote, \u201cI\u2019m not the man they think I am at home<\/p>\n

Oh, no, no, no, I\u2019m a rocket man.\u201d<\/p>\n

Also, I believe very strongly in free enterprise and would friggin\u2019 love to start a brand-new economy that has no bureaucrats and very little municipal governance. That would be a dream, that and coaching football again. I would LOVE to be the greatest football coach in Martian history, and one day, I would hope to become mayor of Mars, too, or rather, my district of Mars.<\/p>\n

I was built for space.<\/p>\n

Rob Ford<\/p>\n

PS: The rumors that I was rejected for \u201cCelebrity Apprentice\u201d are ridiculous.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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