Dear\u00a0Bitter\u00a0Writer:<\/p>\n

I\u2019m just starting out as a freelance\u00a0writer\u00a0and I\u2019m not \u201cconnected\u201d in any way to the decision makers in publishing. Do you have any tips on how to\u00a0write\u00a0a successful query letter to an editor?<\/p>\n

Lost in the big city<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Lost in the big city:<\/p>\n

A \u201cfriend\u201d I know, after reading a really brilliant and funny and smart query letter I had written to an editor, asked me this: \u201cDid you\u00a0write\u00a0that while you were in your bathrobe?\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, of course. The bathrobe is like the\u00a0writer\u2019s uniform.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

This jealous guy, whom I will call Wilson and who doesn\u2019t have a tenth of the talent I do, went on about how my 800-word e-mail was \u201cdoomed from the first exclamation point\u2013laden paragraph.\u201d He wasn\u2019t finished, \u201cYou can smell the desperation. It\u2019s obvious you have all the time in the world in which to splash words about the page,\u201c he said, \u201cand editors are busy people, they don\u2019t have time for juvenile charm offensives. They just want good\u00a0writing\u00a0delivered swiftly.\u201d And then he paused to chuckle\u00a0<\/a>and say, \u201cYou didn\u2019t really send that, did you?\u201d Later, he posted it on his well-attended blog as a piece of \u201cfound fiction.\u201d<\/p>\n

Wilson and I have not spoken in years.<\/p>\n

The point that the talentless Wilson was making was that if you\u00a0write\u00a0like you don\u2019t have a job\u2014 like you have no compelling reason to put clothes on each day, you won\u2019t get a job.<\/p>\n

Because the industry is clogged with unimaginative nobs that are all sleeping together, they have little time for outsiders. The best thing to do is to keep your query letter short and sweet. Briefly flatter them, pitch your idea with some graceful economy, link to a few of the finer examples of your\u00a0writing, and remember your job isn\u2019t to be the \u201cnext big thing,\u201d it\u2019s to make your editor\u2019s job easier. They don\u2019t want to be scrolling through some windy pitch, they want to be out having drinks with somebody they want to sleep with, or at the very least, somebody who might want to sleep with them.<\/p>\n

Bitter\u00a0Writer<\/p>\n

PS: Have you considered veterinary technician as an alternate career?\u00a0\u00a0Writing\u00a0sucks.<\/p>\n

PPS: Do not add, \u201cI am poor and almost 50. Everything around me crumbles,\u201d to your query.<\/p>\n

Please send any questions to mm@michaelmurray.ca or just post them to the comments page here.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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