For a number of years now, I\u2019ve been sending celebrities postcards on their birthdays. This last week saw a host of well-known people celebrate their big day, and as is my custom I sent off a number of encouraging notes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Monica Lewinsky 40:<\/p>\n

Dear Monica:<\/p>\n

I just want to say that it\u2019s amazing and impressive that you\u2019ve lived this long. I think everybody in the media was sure you\u2019d die in a self-loathing pit of drugs, despair and faded memories, but no! You took up knitting! That is completely awesome, and I wish more borderline celebrity types would do this. MC Hammer? He should be knitting. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a most excellent and happy 40^{th<\/sup> and continued success in living an anonymous and not disastrously adjusted life! You\u2019re doing great!<\/p>\n}

<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lynda Carter 62<\/p>\n

Dear Lynda:<\/p>\n

You probably know what you meant to me when I was a boy growing up, so I won\u2019t get into that here. But sweet Jesus, you were hot. My friend Ian used to hump the TV when your show Wonder Woman came on. Can you imagine that? I tell you, young boys will put their dicks on anything. Sorry, maybe I shouldn\u2019t have written that to you, it\u2019s kind of gross, I guess. But I don\u2019t know, maybe it makes you feel kind of proud, too? You are getting old, after all. I don\u2019t mind admitting that women, even Wonder Women (LOL) have always confused me. Anyway, you\u2019re beautiful on the inside and out, and all of us are very proud of you for being a spokesperson for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I\u2019m on a gluten-free diet, myself. Happy birthday!!<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Kevin Spacey 53<\/p>\n

Dear Kevin:<\/p>\n

I have to say, and you\u2019re now old enough to hear it, you\u2019re a VERY over-rated actor. This doesn\u2019t mean you shouldn\u2019t have a happy birthday, you should, but you just need to stop hamming it up so much.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Elisabeth Moss 31<\/p>\n

Dear Elisabeth:<\/p>\n

I just want you to know that I think that Peggy Olson, your character on Mad Men, is made of steel. She takes no shit!! I mean, it\u2019s a man\u2019s world where she works, but Peggy stands up for herself, changes with the times and learns how to dress! It\u2019s awesome. How does it feel to have your own doll? Pretty cool, I bet. I\u2019d like to have my own action figure. He\u2019d be playing table tennis. Do you know Jennifer Lawrence? Happy birthday!<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Selena Gomez 21<\/p>\n

Dear Selena:<\/p>\n

You know what\u2019s weird? It\u2019s weird that on your birthday I was riding my bicycle by a fancy hotel in Toronto that was being swarmed by gitchy teen girls in really short shorts all waiting to see Justin Bieber, the guy you dumped. What a bunch of losers! Like you, I’m not a Belieber, and you know what? I\u2019m old enough to be your father but still find you really sexy! Funny, eh? Happy birthday, Selena, may your 20s be wild, unpredictable and very experimental!<\/p>\n

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