As many of you know, embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time. It was here at a pub called Roosters that we became last-call drinking acquaintances. Ever since that time we\u2019ve maintained sporadic contact, usually in the form of late-night messaging whenever one of us is drinking alone. Last night, around two in the morning, Rob started to message me:<\/p>\n

Rob: You hear about the fucking cronut burger????<\/p>\n

Me: It\u2019s all anybody in Toronto can talk about!!<\/p>\n

Rob: It\u2019s a fucking doughnut that\u2019s been bred with a croissant and a bacon cheeseburger! I want to eat about seven of them!<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: It\u2019s made 100 people sick! The city (YOU) shut down the stand at the CNE!<\/p>\n

Rob: No way! That doesn\u2019t sound like the free market! Gonna fuckin\u2019 look into that. Gotta let the people decide.<\/p>\n

Me: I love the word cronut.<\/p>\n

Rob: I love being drunk.<\/p>\n

Me: Me, too, buddy, me, too.<\/p>\n

Rob: Cronut, it sounds like the fart noise you make after you drink chocolate milk.<\/p>\n

Me: It sounds like the name of a military transport vehicle.<\/p>\n

Rob: Or like the sound of fucking Hulk Hogan\u2019s arm breaking when I arm wrestle him on Friday!!!<\/p>\n

Me: You really doing that?<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Rob: It\u2019s what Da Mayor\u2019s got to do. Can\u2019t back down from bullies. Rule numero uno. It’s good fuckin’ governance.<\/p>\n

Me: You should get him to eat a cronut before the match so he\u2019s poisoned and weak.<\/p>\n

Rob: Good thinking, gonna get my people on that, make a cronut task force. Get special cronuts for Hogan. He\u2019s a bitch.<\/p>\n

Me: He\u2019s a big bitch<\/p>\n

Rob: Like his daughter, tho. She be spicy! Anyway, I like this cronut game. Let\u2019s keep playing!<\/p>\n

Me: Cronut: A verb, slang for shitting the bed.<\/p>\n

Rob: LOLLOLOLOLOLOLLLOO!!!<\/p>\n

Me: The Cronuts: the name of an Improv comedy troupe.<\/p>\n

Rob: Cronut: the sound your head makes when ur really drunk and you fall down!<\/p>\n

Me: Saint Cronut: The patron saint of irony.<\/p>\n

Rob: Cronut: The sound two reporter\u2019s heads make when you fucking bash \u2018em together!<\/p>\n

Me: Cronut: The traditional Serbian ceremony performed when a boy passes into manhood.<\/p>\n

Rob: Getting a cronut: What you say when you mean you\u2019re going out to score drugs!<\/p>\n

Me: My Little Cronut: A pet name for your lover.<\/p>\n

Rob: Rusty Old Crunut: What you call a crack whore.<\/p>\n

Me: Okay, I gotta go to bed. Rob, great chatting with you, and remember, you\u2019re just governing the shit out of this city. Keep up the good work!<\/p>\n

Rob: Don\u2019t I know it!\u00a0 Alright, think I\u2019m gonna go get me a cronut right now, gotta stay alert, get some of the cronuts for my arm wrestling thing! Fuck Hulk Hogan!!! Fuck him!!! Wonder if his daughter will be there?<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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