Over the years I\u2019ve developed a reputation for being really bad at all things mechanical. This includes math, putting things together, reading maps and working my phone, amongst many other things. It\u2019s all true, I\u2019m afraid, and my wife Rachelle, who is really, really good at figuring out how things works and then applying that knowledge, typically shoulders most of the responsibility for my deficits in these areas. I\u2019m more than a little sensitive about it, and yesterday I decided to assemble our newly purchased barbeque on my own while Rachelle was at work. These are the text messages that I sent to Rachelle while I was engaged in this project:<\/p>\n

M: I\u2019m going to assemble our barbeque.<\/p>\n

M: Yes, I am.<\/p>\n

M: Yes, I\u2019m serious.<\/p>\n

M: No, Chris isn\u2019t here. I\u2019m on my own.<\/p>\n

M: Really.<\/p>\n

M: Just me.<\/p>\n

M: Don\u2019t be condescending.<\/p>\n

M: All the pieces are spread out before me in the backyard.<\/p>\n

M: No, I can\u2019t put them back in the box.<\/p>\n

M: Because I threw out the box.<\/p>\n

M: And the instructions.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

M: I don\u2019t need them. It all looks pretty obvious.<\/p>\n

M: I can intuit these things.<\/p>\n

M: Yes, like I can intuit the presence of a ghost or when a waitress has a crush on me.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

M: You\u2019re very funny.<\/p>\n

M: Do we have a screwdriver somewhere?<\/p>\n

M: I don\u2019t know what type of screwdriver, one that works, I guess.<\/p>\n

M: Really? Screwdrivers have names?<\/p>\n

M: Phillip is a funny name for a screwdriver.<\/p>\n

M: Are you making that up?<\/p>\n

M: Whatever.<\/p>\n

M: I found it.<\/p>\n

M: Geez, there are a lot of little pieces here.<\/p>\n

M: And they all look kind of alike.<\/p>\n

M: No.<\/p>\n

M: No, I am not going to turn on the webcam.<\/p>\n

M: You\u2019ll just have everybody at work watching! I know you!<\/p>\n

M: Remember how the pastor said you had to believe in me?<\/p>\n

M: Well, he said something like that anyway.<\/p>\n

M: Just believe in me, dammit!<\/p>\n

M: Oh, hell.<\/p>\n

M: Do we have any Band-Aids?<\/p>\n

M: Very minor accident.<\/p>\n

M: Wasn\u2019t expecting the dog to jump up on me while I was attaching the black thing to the silver thing.<\/p>\n

M: Really muscling it, you know, and then Heidi started to lick my face.<\/p>\n

M: It all just kind of sprung back into me.<\/p>\n

M: Knocked my glasses off.<\/p>\n

M: Might have lost part of a filing, too.<\/p>\n

M: No.<\/p>\n

M: No, I\u2019m not positive, it could have been an old piece of a peppercorn.<\/p>\n

M: Actually, I think I would do well on Survivor Island.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

M: Probably finish in the top three.<\/p>\n

M: Fuck!<\/p>\n

M: A squirrel just took off with a small black thing.<\/p>\n

M: He\u2019s sitting on the fence with it. Mocking me.<\/p>\n

M: Mocking squirrel fled in the face of barking dog.<\/p>\n

M: Small black thing now gone.<\/p>\n

M: Feeling flushed. Hate global warming.<\/p>\n

M: Going to lie down and turn on AC for a bit.<\/p>\n

M: Yes, even if AC does contribute to global warming.<\/p>\n

M: Return to project later.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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