One of my New Year\u2019s Resolutions was to follow evangelist Joel Osteen on Twitter and hopefully absorb as much of his wisdom and inspiration as possible. Joel, who preaches the prosperity gospel, knows that God wants us to make money, and as such, I felt that I very much needed Osteen\u2019s encouragement and advice. These are some of his Tweets in the New Year, and some of my responses to them:<\/p>\n

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Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 1 Jan<\/p>\n

Don’t go into the New Year holding a grudge from last year. Leave the hurts and disappointments behind.<\/p>\n

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Michael Murray @michaelmurray 1 Jan<\/p>\n

But I am still very angry and disappointed! Why did God forget to make me money???<\/p>\n

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Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 1 Jan<\/p>\n

Get ready; things are shifting in your favor. Don\u2019t talk yourself out of it. Believe this is your year for acceleration.<\/p>\n

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Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 1 Jan<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t understand. Do you mean my anger and disappointment are going to accelerate or that God is some kind of passive-aggressive reverse psychologist?<\/p>\n

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Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 2 Jan<\/p>\n

This is a new day. The tide of the battle has turned. Declare freedom from anything that is holding you back.<\/p>\n

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Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 2 Jan<\/p>\n

I declare freedom from our Visa bill. Also, amnesty from poker debt. Supernatural debt relief is completely fucking awesome!!!<\/p>\n

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Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 3 Jan<\/p>\n

Make room for something new. Go out today expecting blessings, divine connections & unprecedented favor.<\/p>\n

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Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 3 Jan<\/p>\n

I am stoked. Will wear my favourite, God-approved argyle sweater!! Look out, ladies!<\/p>\n

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Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 4 Jan<\/p>\n

Whatever wrong has been done in your life, get past it. God knows what He\u2019s doing. You are not at a disadvantage.<\/p>\n

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Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 4 Jan<\/p>\n

I only have one lung. God made humans with two lungs. I have one. How is that not a disadvantage??!! Do you or God even have an idea what getting through a humid day with one lung is like???<\/p>\n

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Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 5 Jan<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t settle in the land of barely enough. Have an abundant mentality. Make room for God to show you His goodness in a new way.<\/p>\n

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Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 5 Jan<\/p>\n

Still angry about your last post, but it\u2019s true, I\u2019ve been living in the land of barely enough WAY too long. Also, God would want me to let your last post go, right?<\/p>\n

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Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 6 Jan<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t think thoughts of lack and expect to have abundance. We serve a God of more than enough.<\/p>\n

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Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 6 Jan<\/p>\n

And Satan is like the tax department? You\u2019re starting to confuse me, or a demon has seized me with the bafflement. Maybe both.<\/p>\n

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Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 7 Jan<\/p>\n

Good news: The right people are already in your future. It\u2019s just a matter of time before they show up.<\/p>\n

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Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 7 Jan<\/p>\n

And they\u2019re bringing the money, right? God and I need to be straight on this.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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