In an effort to get in better shape, my wife Rachelle recently hired a \u201cWellness Coach.\u201d These are the text messages that I received from her after her first session with her new trainer:<\/p>\n

*******************************************<\/p>\n

R: My Wellness Coach is named Jamie and I think she\u2019s still in high school.<\/p>\n

R: It feels like I have to meet her for my session during her spare.<\/p>\n

R: Hot?<\/p>\n

R: Really? Did you really just ask me that?<\/p>\n

R: Oh, it was autocorrect. I see.<\/p>\n

R: You wanted to know if she was wearing a hat?<\/p>\n

R: If what you say is true, then what you meant to write was, \u201cIs she hat?\u201d<\/p>\n

R: It doesn\u2019t make any sense.<\/p>\n

R: It just doesn\u2019t seem a likely thing for you to have written.<\/p>\n

R: Of course, of course, I\u2019m over-sensitive and always misunderstanding you.<\/p>\n

R: Look, you can\u2019t bring Fassbender into this, that\u2019s not fair.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

R: Whatever.<\/p>\n

R: Look, let\u2019s just get past this, okay?<\/p>\n

R: Yes, I love you, too.<\/p>\n

R: It\u2019s hard to believe, but I swear this girl weighs about 80 pounds.<\/p>\n

R: She practically qualifies as carry-on luggage.<\/p>\n

R: She reminds me of Marcel the Shell.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

R: I wonder if her parent\u2019s know she\u2019s doing this?<\/p>\n

R: She\u2019d make a lot more money than baby-sitting, that\u2019s for sure.<\/p>\n

R: Well, I\u2019m on a Paleo diet now.<\/p>\n

R: And I have a workout schedule.<\/p>\n

R: I know.<\/p>\n

R: You were a natural athlete with a very fast metabolism.<\/p>\n

R: Not so much anymore.<\/p>\n

R: It\u2019s true, my love.<\/p>\n

R: You have these, I don\u2019t know, kind of lump handles around your waist now.<\/p>\n

R: Mostly on the left side, which is weird.<\/p>\n

R: Yeah, maybe you should mention it to the doctor.<\/p>\n

R: I don\u2019t think so, dear.<\/p>\n

R: I just don\u2019t think you have what it takes to be a doctor.<\/p>\n

R: Well, for one thing you could never keep your coat white.<\/p>\n

R: It would be covered in stains, like a tornado hit your lunch and sprayed it all over you.<\/p>\n

R: It is true.<\/p>\n

R: And then there\u2019s the academics.<\/p>\n

R: You\u2019re good at other things, yes.<\/p>\n

R: I don\u2019t know how much Jesus weighed.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

R: My guess would be 185, that sounds like a godly weight to me.<\/p>\n

R: I bet Jesus would make for an fantastic Wellness Coach.<\/p>\n

R: He’d be an awesome motivator.<\/p>\n

R: You\u2019ve always wanted to be on Survivor Island with Jesus, you say?<\/p>\n

R: Just you and him in the final.<\/p>\n

R: And then you would demand he sacrifice himself for the good of the island?<\/p>\n

R: I\u2019m not sure I understand your strategy.<\/p>\n

R: All right then, it is the will of the Lord. Fine.<\/p>\n

R: You\u2019re right, that is a good argument ender.<\/p>\n

R: Remember to take the dog out and get something for dinner, okay?<\/p>\n

R: Right, I mean hunt. You and the hound go out and hunt for dinner, please.<\/p>\n

R: Like Paleoiths.<\/p>\n

R: I\u2019ll be home around 7:00.<\/p>\n

R: xoxo<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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