I\u2019m pretty damn proud of this painting– it\u2019s not just a representation of Putin, it is Putin.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

The central feature of this work is just how much smaller I made Putin\u2019s left eye than his right. It\u2019s all scrunched up and sleepy, like a little deformity. Personally, I think he\u2019s got something twisted inside him, a torturing secret that keeps that one punky eye twitching and moving all the time. He just doesn\u2019t feel safe, like he\u2019s worried someone\u2019s gonna\u2019 catch him doing something.<\/p>\n

I know I initially said that I saw into his soul the first time I met him and that he was trustworthy, but that was bullshit. Politics is 95% bullshit, which is why I was so dominant at it– the Bush family, we\u2019re like the goddamn New York Yankees of politics, something I think you can see reflected in my self-portrait. I look confident, like a powerful eagle that can just swoop in and have whatever lady bird he wants. I\u2019m not really convinced that Putin likes the lady birds.<\/p>\n

Why? Well, he made a big deal about his dog being bigger than my dog, like he was actually talking about our dicks. I don\u2019t know what they teach you at the KGB, but when I was a cheerleader at Yale we learned that your dick is very different than your dog, and the cheerleaders that were always talking about how big their dog was, well, they were almost sure to be queer.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

One of the guys that was a cheerleader with me at Yale actually became a dental hygienist. Imagine that! Only male dental hygienist I ever heard about. Don\u2019t know about you, but I wouldn\u2019t want another dude cleaning my teeth. Anyway, this guy, Anderson, when he was a cheerleader he was always talking about how big his dog was, so it just goes to show you. Over-compensation, that\u2019s what the shrinks call it.<\/p>\n

Oh yeah, the painting! I also made Putin pout a bit in the painting, like a little crybaby, and I wanted his eyebrows to look like caterpillars because I really don\u2019t like the guy. He\u2019s got no sense of humour, and he\u2019s always wanting to show off his karate moves and flip you. Very touchy-feely, but in an angry way, you know?<\/p>\n

Just a douche.<\/p>\n

He needs an infusion of Jesus Christ in his life.<\/p>\n

Stat.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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