Last weekend Rachelle and I took our dog Heidi to Christie Pits to have a little picnic. Shortly, not far in the distance, appeared a shirtless man with long, red hair and reflective sunglasses. He was wearing jeans and carrying a bullwhip, which he was snapping about in various postures of expertise and masculinity. The bullwhip, you should know, is loud, really loud. I was actually kind of shocked, as it sounded like a gun going off, each snap reverberating throughout the entire park as if a catastrophe.<\/p>\n

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The shirtless dude started off near a garbage can but soon moved into a more central position by a big, beautiful tree. It was here where he began to bullwhip the leaves off of the tree. Such a dedicated warrior! Such terrifying accuracy!! As he didn\u2019t seem like the type who was adverse to a little bit of attention, Rachelle and I took the dog over to have a closer look. He nodded at us, and we nodded back, noticing that he was actually stunningly good looking.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Cool!!<\/p>\n

Douche with the whip: (In a completely posh British accent) Would you like to try?<\/p>\n

Rachelle: (Giggles)<\/p>\n

Me: (Holding the twig I had been using to play fetch with Heidi and in an unfortunately thin and raspy voice) Are you a Indiana Jones or something?<\/p>\n

Douche with the whip: I\u2019m sorry sir, I couldn\u2019t quite hear you.<\/p>\n

Me: (Clearing my throat and taking a lozenge) My allergies are bothering me, I said, \u201cAre you Indiana Jones?\u201d<\/p>\n

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Rachelle: (Stepping forward) I\u2019d like to try now, please!<\/p>\n

Douche with the whip: (Smiling like Jude Law) No, I\u2019m not, but my agent thought it would be a good idea if I learned a little bit about the whip as he has an audition for me in a new role on Game of Thrones. I can\u2019t tell you how thrilled I am to have that opportunity, so you\u2019ll have to forgive me if I\u2019m making a display of myself out here, but you really need space to practice. (To Rachelle) Of course you can try!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: (Jumping up and down and clapping her hands)<\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019m a well-known writer. I\u2019ve been interviewed on TV.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Oh, that was a long time ago, Pickle! You haven\u2019t been a columnist in years!! (To the douche) Everybody on Game of Thrones is so beautiful, I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll get the part!!<\/p>\n

Douche with the whip: (Holding Rachelle around the waist and guiding her hand as she held the whip) You have to really relax your wrist and use a very free and easy motion.<\/p>\n

Me: I think Game of Thrones is over-rated. Without the nudity nobody would even notice the show.<\/p>\n

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Rachelle: Will your character be asked to do any nudity? Oh, and I\u2019m Rachelle (she actually tossed her hair), what\u2019s your name?<\/p>\n

Douche with whip: My name is William Burroughs, like the author. Apparently we\u2019re related but I don\u2019t know exactly how.<\/p>\n

Me: Rachelle, Heidi\u2019s not feeling well and needs to go home.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Okay Pickle, you take her, I\u2019ll catch up later!<\/p>\n

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