The movie Risky Business, which launched the from-this-point-forward-it-will-always-be-in-your-face career of Tom Cruise, came out in 1983. <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

My hatred of him was immediate, visceral and enduring, and over the years I have taken time out of my busy, important life to write him a note each year on his birthday. This is a small sample of some of the letters I have written him:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 3, 1986<\/p>\n

Dear Maverick:<\/p>\n

Your call sign in Top Gun should have been Muffin.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re a loser and flash in the pan and it\u2019s obvious you don\u2019t have a clue how to play beach volleyball.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Your smile makes me want to punch you with a rake.<\/p>\n

Happy 24^{th<\/sup>, moron.<\/p>\n}

Michael Murray<\/p>\n

PS: Please send an autographed photograph.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 3, 1992<\/p>\n

Dear Tom:<\/p>\n

I want to congratulate you on your Irish accent in Far and Away.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

You\u2019ve really been acting the shit out of things lately, especially when you made us all understand what it must feel like to be Tom Cruise in a wheelchair in Born on the Fourth of July. That was some heavy shit, really brave, and you deserve a milk carton full of Oscars for that role.<\/p>\n

Happy 30^{th<\/sup>, loser, it\u2019s all downhill from here.<\/p>\n}

Michael Murray<\/p>\n

PS: I have named my band Cole Trickle after your character in Days of Thunder. Inspired by your acting, we formed as a group even though none of us can play any instruments.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 3, 2000<\/p>\n

Tom:<\/p>\n

What the fuck was up with your package in Magnolia???<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

I mean, please! Are you really that vain that you have to make it look like you have a giant cock? Really?? And did you even know what Eyes Wide Shut was about? Truly, you are the worst actor ever.<\/p>\n

Happy birthday.<\/p>\n

Michael Murray<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 3, 2005<\/p>\n

Dear crazy Scientology person:<\/p>\n

Joey will never love you.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

You will never have her.<\/p>\n

You may jump on sofas all you want, but you will never win her heart. You are a robot, a robot made of money and teeth, and although she has likely signed a contract, that contract will end and she will leave you. Mark my words, Cruise, mark my words.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re 43 now, and although you don\u2019t know it, things are beginning to slip away.<\/p>\n

Happy birthday.<\/p>\n

Michael Murray<\/p>\n

PS: I am taking the bus to America to buy a crossbow on the weekend.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

July 3, 2014<\/p>\n

Tom:<\/p>\n

I’m on medication now and am doing well. I understand boundaries. I am sorry about the genetic material I sent to you on your 50^{th<\/sup> birthday. It was inappropriate of me, to say the least, and trying to get you to introduce me to your ex-wife, the Katie Holmes version of your ex-wife, was insensitive. I just want to thank you for our friendship over the years, wish you the best as you move through your 50\u2019s and let you know that I am really just fantastically excited for Top Gun II.<\/p>\n}

Happy birthday, old friend!<\/p>\n

Michael Murray<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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