Today I am posting another instalment of my “Bitter Writer” advice column.<\/p>\n

Dear Bitter Writer:<\/p>\n

What are writers really like?<\/p>\n

Ansell Pitt<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Mister Pitt:<\/p>\n

Writers are the worst.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d be hard pressed to think of any single grouping of people, be they bound by profession, religion, ethnicity, sexual fetish or disease, that are worse than writers.<\/p>\n

Writers are grubby, small, aspirational and hateful people.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

The only thing that they loathe more than themselves are other writers. The success of other human beings, even in some cases animals, is toxic to the writer. If you happen to fall into conversation with one about something that is \u201cgood,\u201d or something that you \u201clike,\u201d the writer will quickly, as if in a panic, change the topic to something that is \u201cnot good,\u201d or something that they \u201cdon\u2019t like.\u201d They will do this in the way that a squirrel might scurry off up a tree when it gets startled. Writers feel diminished by light and joy, and will seek to suck as much of it as possible out of any given day. Never, ever ask a writer to make a speech at a wedding.<\/p>\n

Think of this way:<\/p>\n

If all the writers on the planet were jammed into one insufferable country, it would be torn apart by civil war and terrorism.<\/p>\n

And then likely bombed by every other county in the world, too.<\/p>\n

It would just be that bad a place.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Bitter Writer:<\/p>\n

Hello, love the very helpful blog! My question is book cover designs. What would go on it? Should the character be on the cover or should the cover relate to the content in the story? Thank you.<\/p>\n

Samantha Bell<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Ms. Bell:<\/p>\n

Are you some kind of a moron?<\/p>\n

Look, if some other moron is willing to publish your stupid book, you should let them put whatever the fuck they want on the cover!! As a writer it is essential that you learn to be a sycophant. You must shamelessly align yourself with whatever the prevailing tribe is, and ceaselessly, but with as much elegance and perception as you can muster, lather all editors and associated \u201cliterati\u201d (gag!) with compliments. Tell them how much you love the little, European scarves they\u2019re always wearing and how cool their frames and tattoos are, and for God\u2019s sake, if they want you nude and fully penetrated on the cover, you let them know how much you love their \u201cedgy vision\u201d and ask how many orifices they want penetrated, damn it!<\/p>\n

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