Today is Jennifer Lawrence\u2019s birthday.<\/p>\n

August 15, 2014<\/p>\n

Dear J-Law:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s me, Michael Murray again, just writing you a quick note to wish you a most excellent and happy birthday! It must feel incredible to be just turning 24, having already won an Academy Award and been nominated for a few others, all the while being utterly adored by absolutely everybody on the planet, including the Chinese, who are known to be cautious with their affection.<\/p>\n

Chinese people never seem to like me. I don\u2019t know why but I\u2019m starting to think it might be because I\u2019m really good at ping-pong and that they\u2019re just a really insecure people. Any thoughts?<\/p>\n

I would like to play ping-pong with you- we\u2019d be a great match! ( I am gifted at puns)<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

At any rate, I have to say, I\u2019d really like to feel incredible like you must feel all the time. It must be pretty cool, that feeling. Sometimes I feel depressed. Like right now, as I think about the insecure Chinese and how they hate me, I\u2019m also realizing that I\u2019m old enough to be your father! Funny, that, because it really feels like there\u2019s great chemistry between us. If we starred in a movie together I think we\u2019d become the next great couple.<\/p>\n

Jennichael.<\/p>\n

Do you know what helps depression? Touching. If you were to touch me I would feel less depressed. It\u2019s a medical fact. It\u2019s called Touch Therapy.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

There\u2019s also Sensual Touch Therapy for the people who really care.<\/p>\n

It was a real shame about Robin Williams, don\u2019t you think?<\/p>\n

Anyway, I don\u2019t want to be a drag on your big day, my depression isn\u2019t that bad! I only get down because I’m sensitive and feel life more than most people! I just wanted to give you a big shout-out and wish you an incredible birthday full of much happiness, health, joy and success, and to let you know that Touch Therapy really works. It does, it saves lives. You are beautiful, staggeringly beautiful, and I bet you have cool, soft hands that smell like poems.<\/p>\n

I would love to hang with you if you\u2019re in Toronto for the Film Festival next month!<\/p>\n

Michael Murray<\/p>\n

PS: Bradley Cooper (pretentious name) is much older than you. Did you sleep with him when you made Silver Lining Playbook? I have seen that movie 24 times, once for every year you\u2019ve been alive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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