At this point, it\u2019s pretty widely known that Bill Murray doesn\u2019t like me.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re related, although the mechanics of this familial connection remain distant and unknown, and we only met once at a huge wedding about 15 years ago in Chicago. I thought we got along entirely brilliantly, but he proved reluctant to continue any sort of correspondence or relationship with me after the fact, growing more and more biting and bitter–as many aging actors who have never won an Oscar do– as the years passed and my career took off while he played the voice of Garfield in some movies.<\/p>\n

At any rate, as some sort of promotion associated with the Toronto International Film Festival, Friday was declared Bill Murray Day and I was asked by a local publication if I would use my \u201cspecial access\u201d to the faded star to secure an interview. This is the result:<\/p>\n

Dear Bill:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s your cousin Michael here, the funny Murray. Remember me? I was the one wearing the bowtie at the wedding in Chicago in 1998. I requested I Don\u2019t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith at the party and because you were a really big ham and sang it to the wedding couple in that cheesy-we\u2019ve-all-seen-it-a-million-times-way, it became \u201ctheir song\u201d and everybody thought you were a hero.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Nice one, Bill. Anyway, it didn\u2019t end well for that couple. Botched murder-suicide. Not that you\u2019d care.<\/p>\n

I have some questions that a newspaper wants me to ask you, okay?<\/p>\n

Here they are:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

1. What was it that attracted you to the role of Garfield? Was it because you were horny for Jennifer Love Hewitt? She\u2019s less than half your age, you know.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

2.\u00a0What do you think of the massive nude celebrity leak? Was it a good thing for democracy?<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0Why wouldn\u2019t you ever enter any of my fantasy baseball leagues?<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0Are you sick of making movies with Wes Anderson yet because an awful lot of people are sick of seeing you in movies by Wes Anderson?<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

5. Do you know any of the details regarding Traci Murray\u2019s alien abduction back in 1987? She didn\u2019t have any tattoos before, but three after\u2014very puzzling. It is a great family mystery and you should perhaps consider making a movie based on it once you\u2019re finished with the Garfield trilogy.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

6. You\u2019re a big golf fan. Would you say that\u2019s your greatest embarrassment? If not, please explain.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

7. Are you \u201cabove\u201d correspondence? My mother always said that your side of the Murray family always thought they were \u201cspecial.\u201d<\/p>\n

8. Did you know that I won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

9. Have you won the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?<\/p>\n

10. You made some pretty controversial remarks about Jewish people back at the wedding, would you care to take this time to elaborate upon them?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

At this point, it\u2019s pretty widely known that Bill Murray doesn\u2019t like me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4654,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[2770,2773,602,2767,138,748,2774,319,1602,272,2772,854,1967,2771,149,434,151,69,2769,1464,2768,1054,55,50,1817,38,594,448,820,410],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4652"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4652"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4652\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4660,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4652\/revisions\/4660"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4654"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4652"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4652"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4652"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}