Russian President Vladimir Putin had not been seen in public or on live TV for over a week.<\/p>\n
<\/a><\/p>\n His silence during this time had fueled all sorts of speculation, with some people believing he\u2019d been in Switzerland to attend his girlfriend giving birth, while others thought he was ill, had power seized from him or that he might even have been assassinated.<\/p>\n Well, he appeared hale and hearty on Monday morning, and it turns out that Putin, utilizing the survivalist training he learned as a KGB operative, had spent the last week camping on his own. These are his private journals from that trip:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Day 1:<\/p>\n As spring approaches, the burning comes hard and fast.<\/p>\n I shudder with the unnatural urges and I know that I must, once again, remove myself to the Bialowieza Forest and make peace with the natural world.<\/p>\n <\/a><\/p>\n My mind, as if fevered, returns again and again to that Sikh cab driver as he stared out his car window on Shkolnaya.<\/p>\n <\/a><\/p>\n For a moment, our eyes, like magnets, found one another, and we were two beautiful, masculine animals locked to one another, our breathing becoming so urgent and alive, and in such perfect and furious unison as to be inseparable. We would to be just one, all flesh, muscle and luxuriant and mysterious beard. Ah, but this moment lived only in our hearts and minds, for we never met or spoke, just two rugged ships passing in the fading light of a tired Moscow day.<\/p>\n In the Bialowieza Forest there are no seductive cab drivers with strong, Indian features. No, here there are berries. Here there are cold streams in which to cleanse impurities from one\u2019s naked body! Here there are animals to kill! Here there are so many places to unleash the rage and to let the echoes of pain take flight!!!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Day 2.<\/p>\n I am heterosexual.<\/p>\n I am heterosexual.<\/p>\n I am heterosexual.<\/p>\n I am Dear Shirtless Leader.<\/p>\n I am a powerful, heterosexual leader.<\/p>\n I am ruthless and without pity.<\/p>\n I am heterosexual.<\/p>\n