I’m Batman and I’m surveying the great skyline of my city, New York. As I’m standing there on the rooftop of the amazing Trump Tower, I hear a noise and reach down to grab my utility belt, but notice that it’s is kind of cheap.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

It’s just not quality.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Melania is posing naked for a classy magazine.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

I’m really happy about this because I want everybody to see what I have and they don’t, so I’m at the photo shoot making sure everything goes Trump perfect. I’m giving Melania instructions on how to pose, and as she’s doing exactly what I tell her to do, I try to Tweet a picture with the words,\u201cTwice with this one last night!\u201d but discover I can’t get into my Twitter account, @realDonaldTrump.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am building a wall. It’s a great wall, a huge wall. It’s going to be the best wall ever. And then somebody, A Mexican, approaches me and tells me that there are scuff marks on some of the imported marble. A Mexican. What does a Mexican know about imported marble? Nothing. Enraged, I pummel him with the might of an angry white nation, and when I’m finished I’m covered in Mexican blood, which is just disgusting. I try to wash it off but can’t, and the more people I hire to wash it off, the thicker and stickier it seems to get.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am in the penthouse of one of my many, many luxury apartments. I’m there to evict the deadbeat tenants by forcing them to jump off the balcony. One of them refuses. I wake up in a cold sweat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am waterboarding Ted Cruz’s wife because she won’t change her last name to something American.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

In spite of her pain and terror and screaming and begging, and that her top was so wet it was completely see-thru, the experience was not nearly as sexually exciting as I had expected it to be. Woke up feeling empty, a sensation that trailed me all day long.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I am Captain of the Starship Enterprise.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

I’ve rented out three decks as luxury condos, converted the Holodeck into a casino, crushed the Starfleet union and am running a real estate training program for my promising officers. Federation mismanagement had been costing the tax payers a fortune, but with me at the helm, the Starship Enterprise was making a fantastic profit and had never looked better. And then we’re doing a routine patrol of Quadrant 4 when a Klingon Bird of Prey suddenly materialized before us. As I was negotiating with their Captain, I noticed a stain on my uniform. Laundry had screwed up again!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In this dream I am a boy, lost and alone in the woods with no business plan.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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