These are the text messages that I sent to my wife Rachelle the other day:<\/span><\/p>\n

***************************************************************<\/p>\n

Me: Oh. <\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I didn’t know you were getting a massage.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I thought you were at the Dufferin Mall trying to improve our phone plans.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: Sure was off with that one!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Well, I hope the massage is doing the trick, anyway!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Awesome. You really do deserve to have a \u201ctender yet forceful experience that lifts you out of your body and punishes you in all the right places.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: What’s the masseuses name again? Yana? Didn’t she used to be a hot Russian long jumper before some sort of sex scandal?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: Pierre?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: He’s your masseuse?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I thought he was your power skating coach.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Both, eh? That’s a little weird.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I see.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: He’s a renaissance man.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I do too know what that means.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: It means he’s a douche.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: You know he lied about being in the NHL, eh?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: That’s something sacred, you don’t lie about stuff like that!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Oh, he was in the German league then.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Not. The. Same. Thing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Like playing in Peewee.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I would dominate that stupid league. <\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Whatever.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Whatever.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: You did what?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Look, my Fantasy Baseball Stats file is private.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I have no idea why you found a bunch of racy photographs of Kristen Stewart in there.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: Not a clue.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Maybe Jones put them there.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: Really? That’s the stupidest thing you ever heard?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Look, I’m not stupid just because I failed math a bunch of times.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Or French. <\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Or any other subject!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I’m Alt-Smart.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: No, it’s different than being \u201cspecial.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: You’re being a bully. <\/span><\/p>\n

Me: You are not a safe space!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Look, look, why are we fighting? It’s Christmas!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Sure.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Of course I’ve been doing my Christmas shopping!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I’m no rookie.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Practically done.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: You and Pierre wanted tickets to that Pentatonix concert, right?<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: Or was it the travelling version of The Price is Right?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Maybe I’ll get you two both!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Yes.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Wow, that would be great!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I had no idea they made Kristen Stewart sex dolls!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: What do you mean, \u201cThat’s not what my Internet history says?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Well, I don’t know.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Must have been some mistake. <\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Maybe the baby sitter was looking up Kristen Stewart sex dolls? How would I know!?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Also, maybe my account was hacked by a Russian?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Well, I’m a pretty important writer. <\/span><\/p>\n

Me: The Russians know that if they attribute something to me it will have great influence on the public.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: They’re smart, the Russians.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: You ever see them play hockey? So very clever!<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Me: I did not think that Aleppo was a type of dog food two months ago!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I’m pretty keyed in to world events. Always have been.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I have always stood with Syria.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Sure I did.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I gave away that old bathroom scale to a Syrian refugee family.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Well, yes.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: The organizer never did come to pick it up, but that’s on her!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: She’s the one who doesn’t care about Syrians, not me!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I care about their weight, about how they adapt to the North American diet! <\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Don’t want them to get diabetes!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Sorry?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Why did I text and interrupt your massage?<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I don’t remember. <\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Oh, now I remember!<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: If the last three women on the planet were you, Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence, I would choose you.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: Yes, I am very sweet.<\/span><\/p>\n

Me: I love you, too, see you soon! xoxo<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

These are the text messages that I sent to my wife Rachelle the other day:<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":6103,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":true,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[4012,138,889,830,960,4007,2297,1971,415,649,4008,4011,69,4009,4010,4013,3393,119,699,50,1780,273,1621,60,4014,38,2047],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6098"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6098"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6098\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6107,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6098\/revisions\/6107"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6103"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6098"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6098"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6098"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}