These are the text messages I received from my wife Rachelle the other day:<\/p>\n

******************************************<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I’m sorry, honey, that’s just not the way that it works.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Although you identify as a two-lunged person, it does not change the fact that you only have one lung.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Yes.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Yes, I think it would likely disqualify you from being hired as a bodyguard.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Hate speech?<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Really? You think that’s hate speech?<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Well, yes! You should Tweet about it then!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: That will really help get things done!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I like the way you fight for justice, you really are the sharp end of the spear!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Oh Pickle, if it’s of any consolation, there are all sorts of reasons beyond you needing supplemental oxygen that would likely stop a person from hiring you as a bodyguard.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Well, you’re pretty weak.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I know.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Rachelle: That rope hang test back in primary school was hard!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I don’t know what they were thinking.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I agree.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: It was biased against those with upper body strength issues.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I’m sure you would have gotten a gold star if not for that test.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Well, bronze for sure.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Rachelle: Regardless, my love, I think it’s time to let that go now.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: It was a long time ago.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Okay. If Tweeting about it will make you feel better, you Tweet away!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I’ll wait.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: What did you Tweet?<\/p>\n

Rachelle: FUCK THE ROPE!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Well, that will show them!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Do you think people will know what that means?<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Yes. I am very naive.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I believe you. It probably will go viral.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: But look, there are other reasons you might not flourish as bodyguard.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: You’re kind of clumsy. You move like a pigeon, all jerky and unpredictable.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Also, you don’t enunciate very clearly. I think people would have a hard time understanding the things you reported into your lapel microphone.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Yes. There could be confusion.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Communication is key for a bodyguard.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: You’d have to repeat yourself all the time. Lots of wasted time. A terrorist only needs a second to blow himself up.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Oh Michael, I am not \u201cshitting on your dreams.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachelle: His name is Richard Madden. He’s the star of the tv show Bodyguard.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Rachelle: THAT IS NOT TRUE!<\/p>\n

Rachelle: He is not an asshole.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: He’s just very organized and knows what he wants.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: It’s called confidence and strength, and it can be very, very sexy.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: A commanding, strong man.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: No.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: That’s not hate speech either.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: If I was an \u201cAlt-Right Nazi\u201d who wanted to \u201cexterminate\u201d those who lacked confidence and strength, do you really think I would have married you, Pickle?<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Yes, it is true.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Your potential was, and still remains great. Very great.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: You’re my favourite bodyguard.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: No.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Sorry.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: I was mistaken when I wrote that.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Richard Madden is still my favourite bodyguard.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Rachelle: He could guard my body any time.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Yes.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Sexually.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Well, as much as it would pain me, if a beautiful actress asked you to be her bodyguard, I wouldn’t stand in the way.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Rachelle: I expect Jennifer Lawrence already has a security team in place, though.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: But maybe she’d still hire you on. I hear she has a big heart.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: You could be The Littlest Bodyguard.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Maybe get on Ellen.<\/p>\n

Rachelle: Yes, it would be the Christmas story the world needs right now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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