As many of you know, I had major surgery last month and was on a wide array of medications including Morphine, Oxycontin and Percocet. Coincidentally, at the same time that I was going through this, bats began to menace me.
The dog proved useless against the creatures, as neither her eyesight nor hearing was keen enough to detect them, and through some process of psychological denial, Rachelle simply did not acknowledge that they even existed, and so, as always, the responsibility of taking care of the problem rested on my shoulders.
Normally, my philosophy is to live and let live, but I think that these bats carry the infection, as they have a greedy, apocalyptic look to their dead eyes and so I decided I must kill them all. After doing a considerable amount of research, I attempted to destroy the bat invasion using a combination of garlic, holy water and lamps that were designed to simulate sunlight. This did not work and the plague continued, and so I called in a priest and had an exorcism, but this also proved a failure, perhaps due to the fact that as my finances are limited, I had to employ a defrocked minister now working at The Value Village.
It dawned on me last week that what I really needed to do, instead of swinging at the bats with my tennis racquet—which is what I had been reduced to– was shoot them with silver bullets. And so, after having bought a firearm down at Sherbourne and Queen, I have now set about the construction of my own sniper tower from which I might assassinate the enemy bats.
As I am enterprising and business savvy, I am right now in negotiations to go into partnership with Ikea in the creation and marketing of my sniper towers, for which I think there will be a large and very enthusiastic market.
So far, I have two prototypes.
The first model is the Sniperflugen.
Made of cardboard painted to simulate the appearance of an urban environment (dumpster sprayed with racist graffiti), the Sniperflugen is lightweight but not particularly weather resistant. The Snipeflugen box can easily accommodate one man and a small animal of your choice to help in close quarter combat with the terror bats.
The second model is the Uggal Sniper Tower. Like the Sniperflugen, it’s also constructed out of cardboard, but it has a weather resistant interior garbage bag sheath to protect against environmental inclemency.This deluxe model comes in three versions:
1) Pine
2) Fire Escape
3) Hot dog stand
The Uggal Sniper Tower, also boasts a vacuum tube that may be implemented should the enemy bats penetrate your exterior firing perimeter and swoop in to steal the rest of your pills. The bats will immediately be sucked into a tube and contained in an appropriate receptacle.
Both of these Sniper Towers come equipped with instructions in 12 languages, an Allen’s Key and a bottle of Lingonberry Jam.