As I am an inspiring Blog machine, I am often inundated with unique financial opportunities. The most recent one came via Santaletters.com, in which I was given the chance to write personalized letters from Santa– including intimate touches that only Santa would know, like the child’s best friend and hometown–to various children whose parents think this a good idea.
Naturally, I accepted the job, and will now provide you with some of the results.
Assignment:
Tim
Age 8
Best friend is his dog Pepper
Hometown is Cleveland, Ohio
Christmas wish list includes fabric from which he likes to make costumes with his mother.
Dear Tim:
I can see where this is heading.
You might not know this yet, but you’re what is known as gay. Not the HO-HO-HO gay, but the sort of gay that means you’re going to get hit in the head with snowballs for years and years to come. Let me tell you, its no wonder you’re your best friend is a dog named Pepper, as you’ve probably been socially ostracized. Tim, if you’re really asking for Paisley fabric for Christmas instead of, say, a shooter game, and this isn’t some sort of joke, you’re going to have to be very strong.
Santa wants you to be strong, Tim.
One of my elves is a little bit different, and although he was teased mercilessly and even mauled by some reindeer, he turned out to be one of the best and most respected delicate toy maker in Santa’s crew!
One piece of advice I would like to give you is that when you enter high school, which will be a very difficult time, you should use your designing skills to make dresses for all the pretty girls and stage fashion shows. This will make you bully-proof, as all the bullies will want access to the girls and will be scared to alienate them by beating you up. They will also want to be in your fashion shows. It’s the way bullies work.
Just some friendly advice from Santa.
Merry Christmas Cleveland!
Santa Claus
Assignment:
Judy
Age 5
Best friend Robin
Benton, Arkansas
Christmas wish list includes an iPhone
Dear Judy:
An iPhone!?
Are you kidding Santa?!
You’re five years-old!
What on earth do you have to say?!
Let me tell you, when Santa was a boy he had to communicate by using a telephone, a telephone with a rotary dial on it! It was attached to a cord, Judy, and screwed into a wall, and so when some moron called to tell you that the Elf union was filing another frivolous grievance, you had to just stand there and listen! You couldn’t march over to the liquor cabinet and pour yourself a whiskey. You couldn’t do anything! The only thing you could do with your phone was talk into it! No pictures! No apps! No nothing!
By the way, Robin, your “best friend,” asked for a colouring book in her letter to Santa. (she also implied you might be a “stink-face.)
Just a colouring book! That’s all she wanted!
I mean, Jesus!
And you live in Arkansas, Judy. Wouldn’t that make you the first person in the state to own an iPhone, let alone the first five year-old!?
I don’t think Santa likes you at all, Judy.
Santa bets you’re a stuck-up, high maintenance brat that’s always entering beauty pageants and doing inappropriately sexy dance routine.
That’s what Santa thinks.
Hell, I think I’m going to skip Arkansas altogether this year.
Way to ruin Christmas for an entire state, Judy.
Santa Claus