December 17, 2010
Dear World Wildlife Fund:
You think you’re so cool but you’re not.
You are so not cool.
Let me tell you why. The other day while fiddling around on the net, one of your stupid quizzes popped up in my mailbox. In spite of the fact that I am a very busy man with dog walking duties and programs I like to watch on television, I took the time out of my schedule to do this quiz.
For you, World Wildlife Fund, for you.
You asked:
“Would you live in the prairie like a wolf? Are you reclusive like a turtle? Sleek like a snake? Answer these 8 fun questions about your personality and interests to discover the one animal that you relate to most. There are over 100 possible species!”
This sounded fun and easy. I was excited to take the test and discover that I was a cool dinosaur, a very intelligent shark, a fleet-footed Bigfoot or maybe a Mongoose leader, something that was, you know, accurate. But it turns out that your test is complete bullshit, just like all those IQ tests back in elementary and high school.
I am about as far away from a Proboscis Monkey as possible.
You simply couldn’t be more wrong.
You say, “You are definitely a unique character, with a very distinct yet soft appearance. You like to sleep in, preferring to kick up your heels in the late afternoon and evening. Then it’s party time, out on the town with your band of mates. “
Soft appearance?
What the Hell does that mean? You haven’t even seen a picture of me!
I actually have very dry skin and the angular features of a vintage GI Joe doll, so I hardly think that constitutes a “soft appearance.” And further, everybody knows that I’m a solitary drinker and never, ever “go out on the town with my band of mates.”
And what’s with this “mates” crap? Are you trying to be Australian or something? I hate Australians and have ZERO respect for the Didgeridoo. Mysterious and ancient my ass, it’s the instrument that just doesn’t try.
Didgeridon’t in my books!
Anyway, aside from telling you that you folks are morons who only love animals because people hate you, I wanted to ask for a donation back that I gave to you several years ago. I was in a rush and the girl seemed cute, promising me that if I donated I would save a baby Panda from a brick death or something, and because she was pretty and optimistic looking, I wanted an excuse to talk to her, so I caved in.
Well, I want that money back.
It was about two dollars.
You can put it in my PayPal account.
Michael Murray
PS: Your inner animal would be a dork slug.