An acquaintance of mine is kind of like Steve Zissou.
He recently sent this text message to a friend of mine:
“On expedition to interior Papua New Guinea: 10 mile death march paid off when we were first tourists ever to arrive in village not on the map. We were treated as VIP’s, asked to give speeches and presented with gifts. Sing sing to dedicate new spirit house lasted all night. National Geographic on steroids. Another horror trek out. Now on upper Sepik. No cell signal. Few crocs. Natives kill everything.”
Curious, I wrote this man to ask what he said to the villagers and this was his response:
“I took the electric megaphone, pressed what I thought was the on button and the batteries immediately fell out. No one laughed or seemed to understand what had happened. The guy next to me fixed it. Then someone gave him a second smaller megaphone so he could translate what I said into Pigin. I said, pausing after each line for translation:
I am deeply honored to come with my wife half way around the globe to be here at the dedication of this very important building. (The spirit house).
The most important thing that you can do in all the world is to save your culture. (Then with the fist up) Save Your Culture!
There was some applause, and it was done.”
As I am generous with my brilliance and underemployed, I have decided to offer my speech writing services to this man so that whenever he meets startled villagers whom have never seen Westerners, he may have my stirring and beautiful words to impart.
This is the boilerplate speech that I have written for him to deliver to each assembly of villagers he encounters on his travels.
“ Dear friends I have glad news. (make hand gestures here to indicate that my audience is near to my heart) I come from the future where we share quickly-made cuisine from all over the world! (Throw hands up in celebration) The Italians in particular, make delicious food.
Know that the future is your friend, and we do not come to destroy you, but only to help you manage your resources. We have bombs in the future that can kill many, many elephants at once! (Wave hand in flat motion that suggests elimination) In the future we mean business! But we are your friends. (smile and nod head in reassuring way)
In conclusion I would like to say, I’m a cowboy and on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted dead or alive, dead or alive. I play for keeps, ‘cause I’m not coming back. I’ve been everywhere and I’m standing tall (hand gesture to indicate height). I’ve seen a million faces and I’m rocking on. I’m a cowboy and on a steel horse I ride.
Thank you and good-night!
Long live the _______ people!”